Bachelorette 12, Episode 8 Crying Is Not Our Style

We kick off with Chase’s (broken) Hometown Date in Highland something, Colorado. First we meet his dad, who divorced Chase’s mom 12 years ago and is going to pay for it now. He shows up ostensibly to meet and vet JoJo, but she is basically the therapist’s couch that Chase lies on while he punishes his father. We hear about Chase’s emotional “walls” and that he’s never said “I love you” to a woman. Standard pre-wedding jitters.

At his real family’s mom’s house, we meet his sister, brother-in-law, their baby Everett, his step-dad and his mom, Sandy. Oh my god, I love his mom and want her to like me. While being warm and welcoming, she also sees what the producers are up to and stresses that Chase is not still messed up about the divorce. This directly contradicts his going on a show whose premise is, “choose me, love me.” I don’t want to risk my friendship with Sandy, but maybe she should review everything Chase and his sister say this episode. Alone together (the family motto), his mom asks if he’s happy. Chase cries, which usually means no, and Sandy lets out this little chestnut:

The wall just got 10 feet higher. With his emotions safely entombed, the Chase of Amontillado walks JoJo out and ventures an “I’m falling in love with you” in his bid for full custody.

JoJo’s next Hometown Date takes her to Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother’s hometown in Chico, California. They tour his high school and meet the old football coach who didn’t start ARLB, but did keep several photos of him. JoJo straddles him in the library (a safe bet there’s no Rodgers memorabilia there) and he uses the raw thigh power harnessed by his skinny jeans to thrust her into a bookcase to fool around.

JoJo is nervous going in to meet his family. She asks for a pep talk and in reply, Jordan kisses her. Is that a football thing? Like patting each other on the ass and suffering permanent brain damage? Inside we meet ARLB’s parents, a girl who came CAMERA READY, and Joey Fatone. The hardest working member of NSYNC takes JoJo aside so she can ask him about his estranged brother.

It’s tearing up his heart. At the end of the date, ARLB says he loves her and JoJo wants to say it back. Guys, I’m not ready for JoJoJordan, a celebrity couple that sounds like it’s perpetually revving up for something.

Next up, we’re in St. Augustine, Florida with Robby, drawn to the show in his quest for personal and follicular control. He was the first of the muscle-bound pompadours to tell JoJo he loves her, and his goal this week is to pressure her into some reciprocity. They take a horse-drawn carriage through town, and his “I love you”s are up to three already. She parries with a mention of Ben Higgins, questions if she’s a rebound, then throws everyone off when she says her ex, Chad:

Precision of language, JoJo. We meet Robby’s family, or as I like to call them, the people who for some reason let him go on the show. Robby informs them he has slept zero hours all week and has had several panic attacks, but no one takes note. Seriously, these are the details the doctor is going to want to know. Speaking one-on-one with Robby’s mom, JoJo tells her she’s falling in love with him. His mom is so thrilled. JoJo amends that it only just happened in the last couple of hours, but that’s months in Bachelorette time.

While JoJo gossips and drinks on a bed with his little sisters, Robby’s mom warns him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate publicly #wrongreasons-ed him. He pulls JoJo out of her conversation (that alone should elicit an “I love you”) to tell her the accusation and then deny it. JoJo begs him to confess to something. He says he and his ex had a blow out fight, she slapped him, and he’ll never talk to her again. See? #rightreasons. His burning desire for a declaration of love has cooled to a cautious, “I think I know how you feel about me,” almost immediately followed by a James Taylorism, “Please, please, I won’t disappoint you.” JoJo can’t get out of there fast enough.

Last up is ex-army man Luke in Burnet, Texas. JoJo shows up in jean cut-offs and the cowboy boots he bought her, and they drive down a dirt road in a pick up truck. I suspect the theme of this date might be “Freedom.” He’s got a surprise for her-Hometown Dates are bigger in Texas. Instead of a private date before meeting his family, Luke takes her straight to a BBQ with 50 of his nearest and dearest. JoJo smiles politely then breaks away as soon as she spots a baby she can hide behind. Luke asks his parents what they think of her, and they politely say what they’ve had the time to observe. She’s beautiful, gets along with strangers, and has long hair.

After a quieter meal with his family, Luke takes JoJo on a horse ride to a hay couch, for her rolling pleasure. He tells JoJo how hot she looks while stroking her from face to knee. The other guys tend to focus on touching her thigh, but I like that Luke makes use of his full wingspan. Luke is so good at delivering emotional, no eye-contact speeches, it’s easy to forget to listen to what he’s saying. This time round it is to tell her she looks good in boots and, “I want the future.” Then Luke leads her down a candlelit path to a heart made out of flower petals and they kiss while a country song plays until she drives off in the sunset and oh my God we get it, already!  Cowboy love.

The Rose Ceremony is in an airplane hangar, naturally. Seat backs are up, tray tables safely stowed, and just to be safe, JoJo is wearing her flotation devices. Seriously, I have to will myself to look her in the eyes. She tells us she’s planning to jettison Luke, but someone has warned him. He pulls her aside to finally confess his love, and the episode ends with her wondering if keeping a brunet counts as diversity.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 7 I’m Your Goocho

Thank God for small mercies, JoJo moves the men from Buenos Aires to a setting they can pronounce: a bus. The dates this week are carefully tailored to each boyfriend. For Alex, a gaucho-themed date that diplomatically gets him to try on a looser shirt. For the horse-farming military man Luke, a horse riding/skeet shooting date. For Jordan, a “Tell me about your famous brother” date. As for the casual Group Date in the hotel room, what says Chase/James/Robby like a location with a predetermined check-out day?

The first Date Card, “I gaucho nose” or something, goes to would-be alpha male Alex. Alex avoids thigh friction by prancing sideways down the hotel stairs to JoJo’s waiting car, where they eat Pringles and count wheat fields. They arrive at a horse farm and change clothes, JoJo into flared suede pants with heels, and Alex into a traditional gaucho outfit that leaves me craving Thin Mints.

Their hosts differentiate between the Spanish way of taming a horse (impose your will) and the Argentinian way (take it to Lookout Point and try to go all the way). If you remember to bring a sugar cube, the latter looks something like this:

Now JoJo’s outfit makes a little more sense. You’ve heard of couples’ costumes? Meet Insecure Gaucho and Sexy Hoofed Animal. That evening over an uneaten dinner, JoJo observes that Alex isn’t as nervous as he should be. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she takes a really long time to say she’ll never, ever love him back. True, there wasn’t supposed to be a rose to lose on this date, but she respects Alex way too much to still spend time with him. He takes it poorly and leaves to drunk dial Chad.

The next 1 on 1 Date is with Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, who shows up for his private plane ride to a vineyard date wearing a t-shirt, khaki shorts, and sneakers. This is what I call my, “I’m running to Target, do you need anything?” outfit.  They stomp grapes, then drink the resultant foot juice and call it wine. Afterwards, they kiss in a hot tub and ARLB invites her to meet Mama, possibly a pet name for his d. She is dying to meet Mama, but hesitates when he tells her he has a strained relationship with his famous brother. This is his real brother, not a euphemism for genitals. ARLB rejects how his big brother “did life,” and defines himself by his self-professed humility, rather than personal or professional successes. ARLB says he loves her, and she reacts the exact opposite to how she reacted to Alex.

The Group Date is a behind the scenes tour of Body Worlds, showing various stages in the plastination process:

The final product will look like Jude Law in A.I. They get rained out of their date and hang with JoJo in their hotel room. James Taylor knows he’s the before picture, and tries to stay in the game by sabotaging Robby. Robby isn’t intimidated. In fact, he is psyched there is a rose on this date, because he’s sure that he is JoJo’s third favorite. Chase was there, too.

Everyone gets some private time with JoJo on the date. Robby spreads a blanket on a park bench and slurs that he and his girlfriend of three years broke up just 4 months ago. On Robby’s timeline of trauma, that is about a month after his best friend died. And now he’s here! Perfectly healed and ready to marry a stranger. During their alone time, Chase can’t bring himself to say he loves JoJo, but does say he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Seriously, is that not bigger? Then James Taylor negs on himself and tells JoJo she’s his dream girl. She replies that he’s everything she’s never dated. Uh oh. “You have every quality that I would want,” JoJo tells James, except, of course, ARLB’s looks and personality. At the end of the night, psychologically unstable confidence wins the day, and JoJo bestows the precious date rose on Robby, who is totally fine, guys.

Luke and JoJo have a 1 on 1 Date riding horses and skeet shooting. He is in his element, identifying a bug-up-the-nose whinny and catching the loaded gun JoJo throws when she hits her target. Shirt unbuttoned to his sternum, Luke dazzles her with another state of their union speech and makeout session.

JoJo forgoes the Cocktail Party, so the Rose Ceremony happens right after Luke’s date. Everyone rightly concludes that Chase and James are on the chopping block. JoJo can’t think of Chase’s name, so she dumps James. JoJo tells him she hopes he gets a girl who will treat him the way he treats everyone else. What? Doesn’t matter. The years James spent building up his getting-dumped skillset have paid off. He takes it like a pro, leaving JoJo crying on a bench trying to remember what’s-his-face’s name for next time.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 6 Kiss me, Brochacho

JoJo and her – what’s the scientific name for a group of boyfriends? I think “shrug” suits this specific group nicely. JoJo and her shrug arrive in Buenos Aires, a city with a strict red dress/black leather jacket dress code. To pronounce Buenos Aires, you simply pick your favorite letters and say them. Our beloved host, Chris Harrison, meets JoJo in a park and within two minutes she brings up her ex, Ben Higgins, and suggests she might do something wacky like fall in love with two people, also. Chris Harrison, you did it again.

The 1 on 1 date card reads, “Bésame, bésame muchacho,” which Chase translates.

Chosen for this date is DJ Wells, who foolishly confesses he’s the only guy that hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. He gets mocked by Alex, Robby, and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, guys who are definitely not a mean clique, just a bunch of mean individuals. JoJo wants to know if Wells loves her so, and apparently the answer is in his kiss. That’s right, we finally get a date based on The Shoop Shoop Song, by Cher. This is a song my mom stopped while we were singing along to say, “You know it’s not in his kiss, right? It actually is in the way he acts.” Did no one have the Shoop Shoop talk with JoJo? And why would Cher lie to us about where it is?

On their date, DJ Wells buys her a bracelet and they watch Cirque du Soleil take a bath. Wells knows he’s supposed to kiss her, but music and darkness and semi-naked ladies all around don’t make him think about sex. The signs of his demise are there, but in case you still don’t believe the Precogs,

they offer us some autobiographical performance art. Wells puts on a larger man’s dress shirt, gets shot down, and then watches JoJo slide just outside of his grasp. They cool off with a slosh through a room-sized amniotic sac, and Wells is finally turned on enough to make his move. He said he wanted a once in a lifetime kiss, and I suspect he’s getting exactly that. Over dinner, JoJo asks about his ex so she can talk about hers again, and then Wells warns JoJo that all passion fades. JoJo thinks maybe he’s just not dating hot enough people. Whatever, if this is the honeymoon phase, JoJo is out. She holds up the date rose, but from the moment she says she respects him, we know he’s a goner. They hug 4-5 times as he leaves. Oh, Wells.

The guys on the Group Date are: Alex, James Taylor, Robby, Luke, and ARLB. That is in the order they greet her and in the order they’ll get eliminated. The occupations listed for this shrug of dudes are Marine, Former Competitive Swimmer, War Veteran, and Former Pro Quarterback, so yes, the Singer-Songwriter is feeling a little intimidated.

JoJo, however, is feeling great.

The best thing about this is she doesn’t even mean these are all of her boyfriends. She has spares back at the house in case one of these deflates. They play soccer with locals and make penalty kicks to win a kiss. James wins with whatever the soccer equivalent of a bunt is, and then kisses JoJo with whatever the kiss equivalent of a bunt is.

At the evening cocktail party, it is clear JoJo wants Luke to be the Keymaster to her Gatekeeper. You know she’s not going to marry anyone until she gets that man out of his skinny jeans and into a Fantasy Suite. James Taylor complains to JoJo about ARLB, a foolish move that results in pity kisses and angry wine swilling. Luke gets the date rose, and Alex is still the worst.

For the 2 on 1 Date, JoJo takes Thrill of the Chase and Derek/Season 9 Jim from the Office to tango lessons. Neither guy can dance, but Derek has a cool move where he presses his nose against hers so she can’t see Chase. During a steak dinner that nobody eats, Derek leads JoJo to a private loveseat to tell her he’s falling for her, which JoJo reciprocates with… her appreciation. Chase’s turn! She courteously leads him to a different makeout loveseat, muses on how she could have done things differently with Ben, and then demands a confession of love. Chase obliges, Derek gets cut, and we get to see JoJo and Chase enjoy a performance of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” while Derek sobs. Is he supposed to be Argentina, or Eva Peron?

The men enter a marble palace for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Winners continue, losers get eaten by the Volturi. ARLB offers that JoJo might be the woman, “I want to do life with.” She mentally edits this into something a human might say, and he’s in the clear. Robby is starting to look like a Tim Burton character, but he’s safe, too. Alex and James Taylor both try to kiss JoJo into liking them, trusting that she still doesn’t know the Shoop Shoop lesson. She doesn’t, and after a very staged moment, JoJo decides to cut them next week instead.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 5 Filling the Void of Chad

We open in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, a great place to fall in…an abandoned mine shaft. Back at the Corral of O.K.s, the guys celebrate Alex’s triumph over Chad on the 2 on 1 Date. They couldn’t find his bra to freeze, so they throw Chad a mock funeral. DJ Wells, who looked around at the other dudes and figured he must be the funny one, provides the eulogy, while the cruel 6th graders adult males with voting privileges and everything spread his dehydrated lunch meat powder to the winds. Oh, and this fucking guy still won’t put down his guitar:

When Chad gets back to the house, he and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother forcefully shake hands, leaving their submissive hands free to measure their dicks. Professional dick-measurer ED Evan adds that Chad still owes him for the t-shirt he tore, and we are zero surprised that Evan has no idea the protein powder he trashed costs way more than his favorite shirt. And that’s it. Chad is gone.

Chadless at the Cocktail Party, the guys fumble for a new target. There are no obvious choices, but any minority or person in mourning should do. Robby, by the looks of it an ardent Jimmy Neutron fan, gives JoJo a coin to make a wish in a fountain. She wishes he’d try a straight leg or maybe even a slim bootcut, but he kisses her instead. 1/2 of the Jameses reads her an original poem, but I couldn’t see JoJo’s reaction through the couch pillow I held over my face. She sounded very polite. ARLB shoves her against a wall to make out, a middle finger to the men on the flip side of that wall who will see this months later.

It’s like a really aggressive bunny ears.

At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo sends home Drunk Canadian and Boxer Poet James, leaving us with Almost Jim Halpert, Robby, Chase, DJ Wells, Fireman Grant, Vinny, last James standing, ARLB, Luke, and (after a visible shudder from JoJo) t-shirt vendettist Evan. Fun fact, you can arrange their names into a passable sounding Elizabethan English sentence: “Robby, grant Luke chase Evan wells!”

JoJo and her 11 boyfriends celebrate with a change of scene. They’re going to Uruguay, a country they are 90% sure is real and not something the show made up. Once there, The 1 on 1 Date goes to ARLB, floppy-haired front runner. On this date, we watch ARLB say basically anything, and JoJo hear, “I won’t cheat, I love you!” His denials of guilt and her lessening fear lead her to the logical conclusion that this is, “the start of the most perfect love story.”

Meanwhile, the producers have distributed a tabloid interview with JoJo’s ex to sow discord among her suitors. Unfortunately for the show, JoJo is a pretty and earnest crier, and the men fall over themselves to tell her how many times they read but didn’t believe the article.

The Group Date is more nothing. A bunch of them sand surf, then everyone decides they don’t like Derek. I bet you real John Krasinski is more than a little needy with his wife this week.

Robby gets the 1 on 1, and JoJo takes him for a tour of “South American Culture.” In South America, people juggle in the streets and cliff jump. Over dinner, Robby confides that his best friend died, and within 6 months he left his job, home, and girlfriend to come on the show. He confesses his love, an intense and sudden emotion that is definitely coming from a stable man making good choices. She is flustered, but hopes this means maybe some other guys will start to fall in love soon, too. Robby gets a rose, fireworks, and at least one more week before he has to confront his pain.

Derek tries to call out Chase, ARLB, Alex, and Robby for teaming up on him, but he does it alone and they team up on him. JoJo skips the cocktail party so she doesn’t have to interact with ED Evan, Grant, or Vinny before she cuts them, for which we are all very grateful.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 4 Pigs Are In The Castle

We pick up with Chris Harrison telling Chad to fake apologize to a room full of angry Entourage fans. Chad grudgingly verbalizes the tacit social understanding that we don’t hit each other, but nothing gets settled. I can’t wait until this storyline is out of the way and I can devote more time to these guys’ ridiculous haircuts. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, ED Evan, Chase, Robby, you’re on notice.

JoJo arrives for the pre-dumping Pool Party, which entails chicken fights and synchronized swim routines. True to type, Evan emerges from his gesture of athleticism (a synchronized dive) with a nose bleed. He tends to his nose and we see one of his tattoos, “Ani L’Dodi,” transliterated from the Hebrew, meaning #NeverChad.

JoJo kicks off the individual thigh stroking sessions with Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother. From the moment JoJo wraps her legs around his waist and says she doesn’t trust him, we know he’s the one. Sex and fear, the foundations of a healthy marriage. Everyone else’s 1 on 1 time is devoted to calling out Chad’s “negative energy.” Chad overhears Uncharismatic Jim from the Office talking trash, and kicks an innocent byfloater in frustration. ABC posts a casting call for another pretend security guard.

At the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to Christian, Ali, and Mall Santa. Chad gets to stay, but he’s following the Olivia trajectory. That goes something like: brag, succeed, brag, succeed, brag, get stranded in the wilderness.

JoJo is ready to vet wilderness locations immediately, so she’s off to rural Pennsylvania. ABC games the system, and gets a picturesque small plane ride for cheap by mailing JoJo to the resort.

New Boots Luke gets the 1 on 1 Date. They dogsled to a DIY hot tub in the forest. Is it true, or did I just really want to write that sentence? Luke cuts the wood he’ll need for cooking JoJo, while she overlooks his skinny jeans and cropped moto jacket and calls him a man’s man. After bringing the water to a rolling boil, Luke strips into his bathing suit and steeps his date. JoJo is too distracted by his resemblance to Guile to mind. Look at his face. He’s holding her, but all he can think about is M. Bison.

Over dinner, JoJo says she’s attracted to his pain, and he shares his back story as a platoon leader in Afghanistan. This intimate, vulnerable moment concludes with JoJo leading Luke to the designated makeout area on stage at a crowded country music concert. Is it possible that this is actually the house band and I just assume it’s a different group every time?

The Group Date is at Heinz Field with Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel, and Hines Ward. ARLB takes it very well when everyone enthuses over getting to meet professional football players. The men play tag football to win more time with JoJo, and things get bloody. Sweet Baby James says he wants to play through the injuries. The medic recommends immediate stitches,

Blue Team has all the injured misfits, including ED Evan, whose nose starts bleeding again in anticipatory surrender. The White Team is the clear favorite, but in the last six seconds of the game, Charmless John Krasinski peaks in life and scores the winning touchdown.

This is exactly as much as I’d like to see of Leatherheads.

After the game, it’s the After Party. At the After Party, there’s some guy named Robby. Ok, sorry. The real games have started in earnest. Robby declares he’s falling in love. JoJo tells him they make progress by not spending time together, and then they fool around on a pool table. After telling ARLB she can’t get a read on him, he recites this trademarked Bachelorette nonsense: “I feel like I’m falling for you. I mean, I can see somebody that I could fall in love with. And it means the world to me.” Fuck right off, ARLB.  Obviously, she rewards his timely confession of pre-love with the date rose.

For Chad and Alex’s 2 on 1 Date, Chris Harrison’s note says two men and a shovel go into the woods, one man comes out. Also the shovel. Before the date, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, and ARLB push Chad as far as they possibly can without having to stand behind their words. Chad threatens to come to ARLB’s house and hurt him. Goodbye Chad. The Foregone Conclusion Date is a hike intercut with footage of bears and set to the soundtrack of Crocodile Dundee 2. You’re going to have to trust me on this. JoJo takes Alex aside so he can snitch. He obliges, and then Chad and Alex have it out in what I believe is some kind of wartime code.

“Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes.” “Have a glass of milk, man.” “No. Don’t like milk. Don’t need anything.” “Well you should. Milk’s delicious.” “Hay is in the barn, dude.” “Pigs are in the castle.” Apparently this all means something to JoJo. Alex gets the rose. He gloats because he doesn’t realize he just lost the most interesting thing about himself. When Chad’s suitcase is removed from the hotel, the guys celebrate, but a little too soon. The episode ends with Chad’s impression of Mark Wahlberg in Fear. The scene where he shows up out of nowhere and yells through the door, that is. We’ll have to tune in next week to see if he fingered Alex on a roller coaster.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 3 Angergasm

Chris Harrison navigates his way through the spoiled remains of last night’s Rose Ceremony. The champagne has lost its fizz, the meat platters have turned, and some nobody named Nick is fawning all over Jordan. Harrison is Jay Gatsby, the morning after one of his parties.

The first 1 on 1 date goes to Chase, solely for the .001 seconds between “Cha” and “se” when the audience thinks it might be “Chad.” They show up at PervYoga, the kind of place where you really want to bring your own mat. The instructor (who, bless her, thought JoJo and Chase knew each other) demonstrates how to shout yourself to orgasm, asks JoJo to mount Chase, and then discreetly slips away before their series culminates in a downward facing lawsuit.

If you assumed Chase has lived a life of CIS white male privilege, he reveals the trauma of his parents’ divorce when he was 8. JoJo caves and gives him a rose, but just one. So will you keep it at your dad’s or your mom’s house, Chase? You have to choose. They kiss and slow dance in front of a country b(l)and that suddenly materializes.

Back at the MANsion, The Group Date card reads, “Love has no secrets.” The lucky suitors are Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, ED Evan, Chad, DJ Wells, 1/2 of the Jameses, Whosie, Whatsit, and Someguys.

Chad says he’d rather have a 1 on 1 date with JoJo than a Group Date, and the other dudes do their best to misunderstand him. ARLB mocks Chad’s spelling, sick burn. Chad calls ARLB a failed football player. Wait, ARLB played football? Marine Alex exhibits a deimatic response to perceived threats, and puffs up to his biggest and bravest. He calls Chad a piece of shit and then challenges him with a string of interrogatives.

Evan giggles from the safety of the herd. Chad offers to fight anyone who has a problem with him, and everyone suddenly notices something that needs their attention on the floor. Who, me, me, me, me, me, me?

The Group Date is at Sex Talks, a sex-themed open mic night. One of our hostesses kicks things off with an on-stage orgasm, and Vinny admits he’s never heard anything like it. The guys are given 45 minutes to prep an anecdote about their sexual history, and Evan knows just what to talk about. Chad. This is good, because Chad doesn’t want to talk at all. JoJo will get a dick story when she’s earned a dick story.

During the show, we skim over DJ Wells’ threesome, ARLB’s self-fluffing, a cop assaulting 16 year old Grant, and that Drunk Canadian Daniel tied up a woman and cut off some of her hair. Instead, we focus on ED Evan calling Chad out for steroid use, to Marine Alex’s delight. After the show, Evan shoves past Chad to get to his seat, Chad rips Evan’s shirt, and then gets publicly humiliated when JoJo denies him an onstage kiss. Should have gone with the dick story, Chad! After the show, Chad punches a door, and Evan pretends he did everything in good fun.

During the cocktails portion of the Group Date, ARLB and JoJo have a talk that first aired a week or two ago. Chad tries to interrupt Mall Santa’s alone time with JoJo, but she makes him wait. Chad sits ten feet away from them staring at his watch, and Santa pushes past one of at least two cameramen there to complain about how crowded Chad is making it. When Chad does get time alone with JoJo, ED Evan interrupts to give JoJo an ultimatum. Evan or Chad? Chicken or beef? Neither can live while the other survives. JoJo says she’ll give ED Evan the date rose if he’ll shut up about Chad already. Evan sticks to his principles, and goes home. Psych! He says yes and climbs into his bunk bed to add a chapter to his feelings journal. That’s what he calls masturbating.

On the 1 on 1 date, JoJo takes Sweet Baby James on a tour of the Friend Zone.

They take swing dance lessons, he fishes for a compliment about his looks, and then pulls out his goddamn guitar again. Wait- is ABC is making JoJo date the living embodiment of an obscure country band? Next season’s Bachelor is going to have to hook up with a helicopter.

Back home, Daniel, LeFou to Chad’s Gaston, suggests Chad should cool it. Let’s say you’re like Hitler. You don’t want to say that? Okay fine, Trump. Don’t be like Trump. Maybe bring it down to Mussolini or Bush levels. Thank you, Drunk Canadian Daniel, for some perspective on how American politics look from the outside.

When the dates are all done, Chris Harrison returns to the MANsion to inform the men that JoJo wants a pre-elimination Pool Party instead of the Cocktail Party. ED Evan follows Harrison out to complain that the fake security guards aren’t enough to protect him from the dude he keeps antagonizing. Harrison tells Chad to make nice, but he is talking to the guy that bought other contestants’ domain names to promote himself on Instagram. (robbyhayes.com, alexwoytkiw.com, etc.). Nice is for losers, Chad. You’re gonna be huge.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 2 Highest Level of D Bag

We kick off with a fireman-themed Group Date. The first responders are:

Actual fireman Grant
War Veteran Luke, who bought JoJo boots and so can stay as long as he wants
DJ Wells, possible consumptive
1/3 of the Jameses
Ali, recalcitrant child who isn’t living up to his potential
Evan, man most likely to own a twelve-sided die
Other white guys

Chad says something along the lines of, “First is the worst,” before going outside to 50 Shades of Gray his luggage.

On the date, Fire Chief Tracy tells the guys this competition is to determine who can protect JoJo in an emergency. Wait, what are you preparing us for, ABC? The men compete in a series of challenges to secure extra time with the Bachelorette. Every member of the flammable public should be rooting for actual fireman Grant, but he may wander off to lean on a picturesque barn and lose it to Luke, the brooding boot guy. After hauling firehoses and chopping wood, it dawns on DJ unWells why Andrew Garfield does not do his own stunts. He takes a break from the competition to cling to life, asks himself, “What would All 4 One do?,” and wisely uses this time to flirt with a concerned JoJo. The final challenge has fireman Grant, military man Luke, and DJ unWells rescuing JoJo from a fiery building. Luke is briefly in the lead but loses to Fireman Grant, whose job I will now grudgingly capitalize.

In the Cocktail After Party, Fireman Grant uses his extra time with JoJo to recount the plot of Backdraft. We find out Evan has kids, Luke hasn’t dated since 2013, and JoJo uses the Date Rose/participation trophy to remind everyone that unWells almost died.

Back at the MANsion, I watch through my fingers as the remaining topless suitors sing an original song speculating on where JoJo got off to. After a successful(?) performance, they leap up and squeal with pleasure.

Okay, that’s just Up At 3AM Christian jumping and high fiving everyone, and he’s clearly teetering between so excited! and so scared!  Still, only Chad questions why a group of men would willingly abase themselves before the stranger they claim to already love, and at this point we are to believe this makes Chad a…VILLAIN!

JoJo’s next date is with John Krasinski look-alike Derek on a 1 On 1. I don’t really have to remember his name do I? For just this episode? Fine. The theme is Choose Your Own Adventure, so JoJo chooses to let God drive.

After hopping aboard a plane that can only fly north, they make their way to a picnic in San Francisco overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see one of those limos navigating Lombard Street. There’s unremarkable kissing, Derek is afraid of rejection (you fucking should be, Derek), and then they make out in a fountain.

The next morning in the MANsion, that annoying JoJo song is on again, and douchebag in a black tank top Chad tells douchebag in a black tank top Drunk Canadian what you’d get if you put all the other contestants in a blender together. Is he talking a really big blender? Because if not, that is going to take a very long time. It’s hard to follow when they’re talking over each other, but I’ve done the work for you, and this is Chad’s complete thought: “If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance.” Why do I get the feeling Chad is always one Jäger shot away from a face tattoo?

Group Date 2 is with SportsNation hosts Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. JoJo’s relevant boyfriends are:

Christian, enthusiastic Telecom Consultant
Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother
Alex the Marine
Chad
1/3 of the Jameses
Nick/ Mall Santa

The guys compete in a series of the least physical sports challenges. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother is worried his rankings will suffer because Marcellus doesn’t like quarterbacks. ARLB, Marcellus will neither penalize you, nor recognize you. The first challenge asks the guys for a celebratory touchdown dance. Hyper Christian has been waiting for this one. So has Aaron Rodger’s Little Brother. Chad sort of cartwheels and then scoops JoJo up and spins her. If you were wondering how these guys think of JoJo, Max Kellerman calls out, “Hands off the merchandise!” to clarify. Next up, the guys have to get dizzy and propose. Chad won’t play along and calls her naggy. During the Press Conference challenge, Sweet Baby Lame sings again, and Chad declines to declare love just yet. Instead, he suggests anyone who can is either crazy, or using JoJo. Zoom in on ARLB.

Max and Marcellus discuss the guys’ performances, and rank them. The top three are

1. Sweet Baby James, for shamelessly self promoting
2. Chad, for keeping it real
3. Alex, for the look on Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother’s face when he doesn’t make the cut

They are awarded with alone time with JoJo. James Taylor/Serious John C. Reilly says a smile is the only thing from the inside that you can see on the outside. Well, a smile and everything that happens in a bathroom. He’s crazy about JoJo and reads her an emotional speech about who he is and why he’s there. Chad doesn’t get why guys are reading her speeches. For all his snorting and pawing of the ground, he manages to hold JoJo’s interest with the yorkie puppy he inherited from his recently passed mom. Is he a villain? Is he a hero? The producers seem undecided, and hedge their bets by only shooting Chad in chiaroschuro.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, Chad intercepts JoJo to seduce her with a glass of wine and his heady aroma of lunch meat. The men do not like seeing them come into the house together. Chad spends the rest of the night alternating between acting like a ham and eating one. Chase the medical sales rep gets a mini date in fake snow, but we’re more focused on the circle of angry tier two guys surrounding meat stick Chad. He responds by stealing ED Evan’s time with JoJo and pounding more fistfuls of animal carcass.

At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo trims the fat. Goodbye to Turkey on White Will, Meat Alternative/Bachelor Fan James, and, the coldest cut of the night, Hipster. Tune in next week, when Chad eats a live cow.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 1 Mojo for JoJo

JoJo begins her quest for someone hotter than Ben with a Bachelorette Alumnae Advice Session that can be distilled into: Play hard to get, and Don’t sleep with Nick Viall.

Cut to the MANsion. Our girl rolls up very hubba hubba in her glittery gown and gamely meets the two dozen men selected for the most dramatic season of Sociopath Roulette, yet!

The first potential restraining order is Jordan Rodgers, a retired pro quarterback who later scores a “now that’s a kiss” kiss with JoJo AND the first impression rose. Let’s call him Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother from now on. Next comes Derek. Derek is not a retired pro quarterback. Then Firefighter Grant takes his first moments with JoJo to promise he will fall in love with her, and not a hypothetical second woman, like Lauren B. or Britt. Britt isn’t here, is she? One of the Jameses says he’s here for the right reasons. Robby, a guy who dresses up as Scorcese characters every Halloween, mocks JoJo’s mom with an offer to bottle pull some wine. JoJo smiles and takes the drink, but I hope she’s just biding her time before she destroys him. Next up, U.S. Marine Alex. Then Will, the civil engineer with a Catskills sense of humor. A dude named Chad trolls JoJo just by being here. Daniel the Canadian is dumbfounded that his “Damn, JoJo” line fell flat, but is willing to work with JoJo.

He could have been just as successful yelling, “Meme!” at her from the limo.

Next we have Ali, the wide eyed surfer/bartender whose whole family is higher achieving than he is. Hey, just like that Rodgers kid! Next, JoJo is serenaded by Adorable McNoChance, James Taylor from Texas. This roster of dudes is like a bargain dress up bin for boys. For every Fireman or Cowboy there are three Burlap Sacks. Which reminds me, Jon, who is half Scottish and half Chinese, shows up in a kilt. He assures JoJo he’s “Scottish below the waist.” I know this sounds really insulting to Chinese guys, but that’s just because it is. JoJo doesn’t get it. Is his top half facing a shortage of women? Did his dick vote No? If this lineup of dudes is triggering cold shivers and a heightened sense of stranger danger, then it should come as no surprise when mall Santa arrives. Easy, JoJo, he is married.

After this big push, the limos return to shudder out the afterbirth. A couple of mustache puns from mustache guy, blue balls puns from blue balls guy, a real estate pun from real estate guy, and then Hipster. Hipster doesn’t know how he got here, but he’d like to stay. Another James, this one a Bachelor “Superfan.” Then Nick-Does-The-Splits, toast guy with the toast pun, Man Crush Monday, pastor-cum-erectile dysfunction clinic manager, and then,  and then…euphoria sets in:

Wells the radio DJ emerges from the limo, followed by R&B group All 4 One singing “I Swear.” I swear. Wells the radio DJ could be anyone, doesn’t matter. I’m all in. Going into this, Hipster didn’t feel threatened by any of these jocks, obsequious devotees to traditional masculine ideals. Hipster is really intimidated, however, by the a capella guys. After they clear out, Christian the Telecom Consultant blazes in on his motorcycle, a man who is raising his two brothers alone and wakes up at 3 AM to ninja. Last to arrive is Luke, the Texan ex-military man atop a real live unicorn. If you consider the myth that unicorns only approach virgins, JoJo wearing a severed unicorn head to meet Ben last season was pretty badass. Inside the MANsion, the men voice their approval of JoJo, too. “Not crazy and all hot.” “A 10 out of 10 out of 10 out of 10.” Or, 0.01.

Now that the party has started, Alex the U.S. Marine takes her aside first. JoJo squats over him while he does pushups, the bare minimum expected of a contestant. “You better be able to do a push-up with a girl sitting on you,” confirms Chad. Derek/Jim from the Office tells JoJo he’s more of a nerd. She asks if that means he’s super smart. Uh, no. Apparently he just meant in the “not accepted by his peers” sense of the word. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother goes off script and asks JoJo how she’s doing. Bold move. He alludes to his career in football, but plays it down for now. This guy is going to be around a while.

JoJo boxes with a boxing guy, technically kisses some dude named Will (soon to be Won’t), and then Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother comes back for comparatively better kisses. Through all this, loyal friends All 4 One continue to back up DJ Wells. If they sing “I Can Love You Like That,” I will slide right off of this couch. In Chad’s private interviews, his assholery comes out and we learn his name is actually pronounced with a long “o.” Drunk Canadian Daniel walks us through his “damn JoJo” pickup line writing process, then dives into a pool. Hipster gets the last laugh:

Drunks Nick S. and Vinny interrupt JoJo’s interview with chilled lemon water and an assurance she won’t have to beg for love on a bathroom floor, respectively. Black sheep Ali plays JoJo Für Elise, and back home his parents wring their hands over the money they threw away on piano lessons so Ali could seduce women. Luke brings JoJo cowboy boots and charms her with his intensity. I really hope I’m only getting Kentucky Joe vibes because of the dead eyes, Dep, and drawl.

At the Rose Ceremony, contestants that identified as “Bachelor fans” fulfill their purpose and mutter, “That’s Jake Pavelka” when Jake Pavelka shows up to waste our time. After a creepy advice session where he tells JoJo it’s her job to fall in love and warns her not to put up walls, the eliminations really begin. Front runners are Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, Luke, DJ Wells, and sweet baby James. Everyone else is everyone else.

 

 

Bachelor 20, Episodes 11 & 12 Finale

Before bringing his girlfriends home, Benlovable tells his parents that he is 100% in love. 50% with Lauren and 50% with JoJo. This is when we find out he inherited his crying skills from his mom, who wonders if maybe they should have had a backup kid. While she reacts to his complete lack of conviction and self-awareness, his dad notices the new twinkle in Ben’s eye. Looks like a double “I love you” wasn’t his only Fantasy Suite first.

We start off with Lauren. Ben’s mom is immediately suspicious when Ben introduces her with, “She loves Warsaw, Indiana.” Lauren says that Ben is perfect. Mom rolls her eyes. Haven’t you noticed his self-loathing and desperation to please? Not really. When it is JoJo’s turn to meet Ben’s parents, she leads off with his insecurities, offering herself as a safe haven. Come on, Ben, JoJo is the fuckable mother figure you’ve been looking for! Both women tell him they’ll say yes if he proposes. Oh good, you wouldn’t want Ben to question your commitment.

Cut to the present day – host Chris Harrison and an ovulating studio audience gasp while Ben’s hometown pastor, a sheepish shepherd flown out to pressure Bachelor People Pleaser into a stunt wedding, buries his head in an LA travel guide. Could be a Bible; I actually only saw a map.

Back in the past, Ben promotes the Sandals resort by flip-flopping between women. Lacking confidence, Lauren turns her last date boat ride with Ben into a fishing trip. Do you feel good? Are you stressed? What are you thinking about right now? He doesn’t bite. Ben calls her beautiful and rattles off Jaden Smith’s Tweets. It’s Weird And It’s Crazy And It’s Good And It’s Life. “It’s life,” she reluctantly agrees. Ben kisses her neck and worries that they haven’t faced many challenges, yet. I don’t know, her acid-washed hot pants are a pretty big obstacle for me. Later that night Lauren begs for reassurance, and Ben goes in for a hug and lingers suspiciously, possibly whispering something in her ear. Back at Chris Harrison’s viewing party, Ben’s pastor does everything he can to avoid making eye contact with God.

Ben’s last date with JoJo is in The Blue Hole, a pretty swim spot with a rope swing made from past contestants knotted jorts and neon crop tops. They kiss and she asks him to touch her heart. JoJo tells us she’s confident, but there is one thing they still haven’t talked about. Birth control? Dating after the show. She does not see this as the clear warning sign that it is. JoJo declares she will do whatever it takes to make a long-distance relationship work. She asks him for a sign that she’s the one, but Ben does not whisper in her ear. We retreat to the bathroom for a private confrontation. If JoJo’s brothers had done their job, there would be a gun behind the toilet, but instead she settles for a quick cry and pee-assist with her romper.

Judgement Day. Neil Lane meets Ben with 6 engagement rings to choose from – one for each type of woman in the world. Benlovable tells us that he cared for Lauren and JoJo equally right up until the moment after he selects an engagement ring on the day of his proposal. Only then, gazing into that Blue Blood diamond, does Ben know which one he wants to marry. This, by the way, is the romantic narrative. The other narrative is, “I’m going to pick Lauren, but come on, have you seen Jojo in a rope bikini?” Looking into the heart of this icy, colorless bauble, Ben finally recognizes his type. One ring to find her.

The Bachelor helicopter sends JoJo to the slaughter then doubles back to pick up Lauren. JoJo reads an ode to Ben that he completely hears out before handing her a pink slip. She gets a limo ride to the airport and the opportunity to finally change back into her Uggs. Lauren rolls in, rereads JoJo’s Ode, and Ben proposes. They climb back into the helicopter and fly in slow, celebratory circles over JoJo’s limo.

AFTER THE ROSE

Chris Harrison promises us also-ran JoJo, Lauren, Ben, Ben’s pastor, and the next Bachelorette. That Green Room must be intense. Ben and JoJo first.

Ben has a tummy ache over how he treated JoJo. She’s had her minimum 39 days of breakup recovery, though, so she lets him off the hook. Ben told her she will always be one of the best things about his past. He will for sure whack it to her. She purposefully stresses that she’s moved on and Caila-as-Bachelorette shippers everywhere begin to panic. No wonder JoJo is so chill. Chris Harrison announces in front of her engaged ex-boyfriend that JoJo’s about to punch 28 Chads loose as Bachelorette.

Lauren shows up and we learn Ben was totally honest with her about also loving JoJo. He just wanted to tell her at the right time – after he proposed to her on national television and she said yes. They giggle together, promise to watch JoJo call other men “Babe,” and politely decline to get married on air. That leaves five minutes of dead time that Harrison expertly fills, the goddamn pro. 

Bachelor 20, Episode 10 Women Tell All

17 out of 28 of Ben’s recent girlfriends sit reunited on the Women Tell All stage, their emotions heightened by the familiar terror of farting while miked. Host Chris Harrison starts them out with a softball- Night one. What are you thinking? Caila jabbers predictably about Ben, but then the meanest Canadian alive, Jami, pivots to how immediately she hated the other women. This is the perfect segue into the Villain-bashing segment, peppered with the cartoon reactions of the tragic chorus/audience. The villains are:

Leah. Leah tries to explain herself for the whole Lauren B. incident, but no one wants to hear it. This has the pleasant effect of making her angry and confrontational with the Terrible Twos (Amber/Jami and Twins) throughout the show.

Jubilee. Lauren H., protector of the Guild of White Soccer Moms, accuses her of not fitting in. Jubilee says she repeatedly checked in with the women and no one said they had a problem with her. How to dispute this? Shushanna offers that no one likes her. Jubilee, Shushanna learned English just so she could say that to you. None of the crimes are sticking; then Amber and Jami bring up the issue of race. By calling herself “full black” or “real black,” they felt Jubilee dismissed them as not black enough, a double rejection on a show that clearly sees them as too black. I’d say The Bachelor comes just shy of putting “Black One” as a job descriptor, the way they do “Twin” and “Pantsapreneur,” so it’s pretty shitty that the only people answering for their transgressions are minorities. Jubilee apologizes graciously, and Amber accepts sort of graciously. Jami’s a dick.

After this, Jubilee is invited to the other hot seat to watch herself get dumped and then explain why she’s crying. Chris Harrison offers her this utter bullshit piece of validation:

“If nothing else,” he continues, “you are that person.” That person that human spongecake saw and understood. Oh, since the show she’s made Sergeant in the military; no word yet on Ben’s take on that. CH tells her she is appreciated despite her past, and we move on.

Lace was on this season. Oh yeah! She tells us she’s working on herself, when she is interrupted by a dangerous man that had a little work done on himself, too.

Harrison redeems himself by telling the stalker to keep his distance, and then makes the game time decision that they’re going with strip club rules. Look, don’t touch. Getting a photo of the two Lace faces together is a struggle because Chris Harrison is the man.

After this first in a series of incidents to come, Lace agrees to work on herself in Paradise.

Olivia. Brunette Whinypants accuses Olivia of cockblocking. Whatever. Brunette stayed a brunette for the show, so she clearly didn’t care about finding true love. Olivia stands trial for snarking at (m)Amanda, being more substantive than Twin 2, and trying to make Ben like her. Twins call her a bully for criticizing their appearance, and Leah points out they did the same thing. “That’s beyond the point!” shouts Twin. Brunette says if Olivia had taken the time to get to know the women, she would know that many of them can read, too. Twins nod aggressively.

Future Bachelorette Caila and Lame Duck Ben come out next, but are too boring to discuss. The real winner of the episode is the chicken enthusiast, who somehow in 6 hours of taping never got shit on by her lap bird.