The feud between “Right Reasons” Taylor and “Right Methods” Corinne continues. I’m tired. This is like watching a Mike and Ike and a Bit-O-Honey debate who’s tastier. Taylor is threatened by Corinne, and Corinne is a horny alien who learned Earth culture by walking through a bebe store. She hibernates 13 hours a day and can only digest sliced gourds and vodka. Of course, they both survive the Rose Ceremony and we say goodbye to more obscure contestants Astrid, who seemed like a cool person, and Sarah, who seemed like a person. They head home, and everyone else moves on to the Big Easy (too easy).
Settled in at the hotel, Rachel gets the 1 on 1 Date, a tour of New Orleans. She and Nick visit a flea market, eat oysters and beignets, then join a second line in a parade past the other women. They check out old Mardi Gras floats and talk vaguely about death and carpeing diems over dinner. She’s the one. Nick cannot wait to ask her federal judge father for permission to marry everyone.
The Group Date, “‘Til Death Do Us Part,” goes to Josephine, Kristina, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielles, Whitney, and Jasmine. They show up at Houmas House, a historic sugar plantation with a tour themed around Boo the caretaker and May, an 8 year old Civil War Era ghost. Seriously, Boo and May are the scariest things they can think of to discuss? On a PLANTATION? Come on. That said, this Group Date should be required every season. You could either eliminate all the contestants who believe ghosts are real, or if you’re someone holding out hope that Patrick Swayze is still here looking out for us (pleeeeeaaaase), just toss the ones that believe this ghost is real.
The night begins and we learn everyone believes in spirits except Jasmine, and she changes her mind twenty minutes in. Danielle Blonde feels the spirits. Jaimi respects them. Vanessa even refuses to risk a game of Ouija, a board game manufactured by the same people who make Monopoly. Monopolies are scary, Vanessa. After a daytime tour, the women settle in for a haunted sleepover. They roam the house, starting shit with the ghost and then begging May’s forgiveness when chandeliers start falling. Too late, you’re all going to die!
Vanessa and Danielle Blonde use their last hours to ask the mirror of Erised if they’re safe from elimination. The child ghost from the 1800s flickers the flames of their candles in what they take to be a yes. Like she knows. Why don’t they ask this tragic American Girl Doll a question she can answer? Got any good hoop rolling tricks? Mike and Ikes or Bit-O-Honey?
In the individual time with Nick, Danielle Blonde tells him Ghost May has her in the final four, and Raven tells Nick she fell in love with him when he sang “Kiss the Girl,” a ditty about a monarch kissing a mute castaway. The date rose goes to Danielle Blonde.
Next up is Corinne and Taylor on a 2 on 1 date: Meet Me in the Bayou. The worst part about 2 on 1 dates is that one of them gets to stay. Taylor, who finds aggressive displays of affection disrespectful, greets Nick with the old jump and straddle, or the eager koala if you’re from Australia. Corinne is thinking long game, and gives a more sober hug. They climb into a boat in the marsh and a scary dude jumps out of nowhere into the boat behind them. He rows them out to meet Anne Rice reenactors, a voodoo priestess and a tarot reader who is VERY specific.
Taylor gets her cards read first – she’s dealt the queen of emotional intelligence, fighting a losing battle with a fair-haired pain in the ass. When it’s Corinne’s turn, the reader says she is the queen of swords. Perhaps she can be too cutting. Corinne replies, and I quote, “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?”
Nick considers his options, and gives the rose to the queen with the sword. Corinne and Nick boat off and leave Taylor to the alligators. In related news, voodoo dolls work. Corinne quietly celebrates, but Taylor makes the Voodoo peeps work overtime prepping her for a follow-up confrontation. Proof again, emotional intelligence is not actual intelligence.