Bachelorette 12, Episode 6 Kiss me, Brochacho

JoJo and her – what’s the scientific name for a group of boyfriends? I think “shrug” suits this specific group nicely. JoJo and her shrug arrive in Buenos Aires, a city with a strict red dress/black leather jacket dress code. To pronounce Buenos Aires, you simply pick your favorite letters and say them. Our beloved host, Chris Harrison, meets JoJo in a park and within two minutes she brings up her ex, Ben Higgins, and suggests she might do something wacky like fall in love with two people, also. Chris Harrison, you did it again.

The 1 on 1 date card reads, “Bésame, bésame muchacho,” which Chase translates.

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Chosen for this date is DJ Wells, who foolishly confesses he’s the only guy that hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. He gets mocked by Alex, Robby, and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, guys who are definitely not a mean clique, just a bunch of mean individuals. JoJo wants to know if Wells loves her so, and apparently the answer is in his kiss. That’s right, we finally get a date based on The Shoop Shoop Song, by Cher. This is a song my mom stopped while we were singing along to say, “You know it’s not in his kiss, right? It actually is in the way he acts.” Did no one have the Shoop Shoop talk with JoJo? And why would Cher lie to us about where it is?

On their date, DJ Wells buys her a bracelet and they watch Cirque du Soleil take a bath. Wells knows he’s supposed to kiss her, but music and darkness and semi-naked ladies all around don’t make him think about sex. The signs of his demise are there, but in case you still don’t believe the Precogs,

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they offer us some autobiographical performance art. Wells puts on a larger man’s dress shirt, gets shot down, and then watches JoJo slide just outside of his grasp. They cool off with a slosh through a room-sized amniotic sac, and Wells is finally turned on enough to make his move. He said he wanted a once in a lifetime kiss, and I suspect he’s getting exactly that. Over dinner, JoJo asks about his ex so she can talk about hers again, and then Wells warns JoJo that all passion fades. JoJo thinks maybe he’s just not dating hot enough people. Whatever, if this is the honeymoon phase, JoJo is out. She holds up the date rose, but from the moment she says she respects him, we know he’s a goner. They hug 4-5 times as he leaves. Oh, Wells.

The guys on the Group Date are: Alex, James Taylor, Robby, Luke, and ARLB. That is in the order they greet her and in the order they’ll get eliminated. The occupations listed for this shrug of dudes are Marine, Former Competitive Swimmer, War Veteran, and Former Pro Quarterback, so yes, the Singer-Songwriter is feeling a little intimidated.

JoJo, however, is feeling great.
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The best thing about this is she doesn’t even mean these are all of her boyfriends. She has spares back at the house in case one of these deflates. They play soccer with locals and make penalty kicks to win a kiss. James wins with whatever the soccer equivalent of a bunt is, and then kisses JoJo with whatever the kiss equivalent of a bunt is.

At the evening cocktail party, it is clear JoJo wants Luke to be the Keymaster to her Gatekeeper. You know she’s not going to marry anyone until she gets that man out of his skinny jeans and into a Fantasy Suite. James Taylor complains to JoJo about ARLB, a foolish move that results in pity kisses and angry wine swilling. Luke gets the date rose, and Alex is still the worst.

For the 2 on 1 Date, JoJo takes Thrill of the Chase and Derek/Season 9 Jim from the Office to tango lessons. Neither guy can dance, but Derek has a cool move where he presses his nose against hers so she can’t see Chase. During a steak dinner that nobody eats, Derek leads JoJo to a private loveseat to tell her he’s falling for her, which JoJo reciprocates with… her appreciation. Chase’s turn! She courteously leads him to a different makeout loveseat, muses on how she could have done things differently with Ben, and then demands a confession of love. Chase obliges, Derek gets cut, and we get to see JoJo and Chase enjoy a performance of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” while Derek sobs. Is he supposed to be Argentina, or Eva Peron?

The men enter a marble palace for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Winners continue, losers get eaten by the Volturi. ARLB offers that JoJo might be the woman, “I want to do life with.” She mentally edits this into something a human might say, and he’s in the clear. Robby is starting to look like a Tim Burton character, but he’s safe, too. Alex and James Taylor both try to kiss JoJo into liking them, trusting that she still doesn’t know the Shoop Shoop lesson. She doesn’t, and after a very staged moment, JoJo decides to cut them next week instead.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 5 Filling the Void of Chad

We open in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, a great place to fall in…an abandoned mine shaft. Back at the Corral of O.K.s, the guys celebrate Alex’s triumph over Chad on the 2 on 1 Date. They couldn’t find his bra to freeze, so they throw Chad a mock funeral. DJ Wells, who looked around at the other dudes and figured he must be the funny one, provides the eulogy, while the cruel 6th graders adult males with voting privileges and everything spread his dehydrated lunch meat powder to the winds. Oh, and this fucking guy still won’t put down his guitar:

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When Chad gets back to the house, he and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother forcefully shake hands, leaving their submissive hands free to measure their dicks. Professional dick-measurer ED Evan adds that Chad still owes him for the t-shirt he tore, and we are zero surprised that Evan has no idea the protein powder he trashed costs way more than his favorite shirt. And that’s it. Chad is gone.

Chadless at the Cocktail Party, the guys fumble for a new target. There are no obvious choices, but any minority or person in mourning should do. Robby, by the looks of it an ardent Jimmy Neutron fan, gives JoJo a coin to make a wish in a fountain. She wishes he’d try a straight leg or maybe even a slim bootcut, but he kisses her instead. 1/2 of the Jameses reads her an original poem, but I couldn’t see JoJo’s reaction through the couch pillow I held over my face. She sounded very polite. ARLB shoves her against a wall to make out, a middle finger to the men on the flip side of that wall who will see this months later.

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It’s like a really aggressive bunny ears.

At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo sends home Drunk Canadian and Boxer Poet James, leaving us with Almost Jim Halpert, Robby, Chase, DJ Wells, Fireman Grant, Vinny, last James standing, ARLB, Luke, and (after a visible shudder from JoJo) t-shirt vendettist Evan. Fun fact, you can arrange their names into a passable sounding Elizabethan English sentence: “Robby, grant Luke chase Evan wells!”

JoJo and her 11 boyfriends celebrate with a change of scene. They’re going to Uruguay, a country they are 90% sure is real and not something the show made up. Once there, The 1 on 1 Date goes to ARLB, floppy-haired front runner. On this date, we watch ARLB say basically anything, and JoJo hear, “I won’t cheat, I love you!” His denials of guilt and her lessening fear lead her to the logical conclusion that this is, “the start of the most perfect love story.”

Meanwhile, the producers have distributed a tabloid interview with JoJo’s ex to sow discord among her suitors. Unfortunately for the show, JoJo is a pretty and earnest crier, and the men fall over themselves to tell her how many times they read but didn’t believe the article.

The Group Date is more nothing. A bunch of them sand surf, then everyone decides they don’t like Derek. I bet you real John Krasinski is more than a little needy with his wife this week.

Robby gets the 1 on 1, and JoJo takes him for a tour of “South American Culture.” In South America, people juggle in the streets and cliff jump. Over dinner, Robby confides that his best friend died, and within 6 months he left his job, home, and girlfriend to come on the show. He confesses his love, an intense and sudden emotion that is definitely coming from a stable man making good choices. She is flustered, but hopes this means maybe some other guys will start to fall in love soon, too. Robby gets a rose, fireworks, and at least one more week before he has to confront his pain.

Derek tries to call out Chase, ARLB, Alex, and Robby for teaming up on him, but he does it alone and they team up on him. JoJo skips the cocktail party so she doesn’t have to interact with ED Evan, Grant, or Vinny before she cuts them, for which we are all very grateful.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 4 Pigs Are In The Castle

We pick up with Chris Harrison telling Chad to fake apologize to a room full of angry Entourage fans. Chad grudgingly verbalizes the tacit social understanding that we don’t hit each other, but nothing gets settled. I can’t wait until this storyline is out of the way and I can devote more time to these guys’ ridiculous haircuts. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, ED Evan, Chase, Robby, you’re on notice.

JoJo arrives for the pre-dumping Pool Party, which entails chicken fights and synchronized swim routines. True to type, Evan emerges from his gesture of athleticism (a synchronized dive) with a nose bleed. He tends to his nose and we see one of his tattoos, “Ani L’Dodi,” transliterated from the Hebrew, meaning #NeverChad.

JoJo kicks off the individual thigh stroking sessions with Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother. From the moment JoJo wraps her legs around his waist and says she doesn’t trust him, we know he’s the one. Sex and fear, the foundations of a healthy marriage. Everyone else’s 1 on 1 time is devoted to calling out Chad’s “negative energy.” Chad overhears Uncharismatic Jim from the Office talking trash, and kicks an innocent byfloater in frustration. ABC posts a casting call for another pretend security guard.

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At the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to Christian, Ali, and Mall Santa. Chad gets to stay, but he’s following the Olivia trajectory. That goes something like: brag, succeed, brag, succeed, brag, get stranded in the wilderness.

JoJo is ready to vet wilderness locations immediately, so she’s off to rural Pennsylvania. ABC games the system, and gets a picturesque small plane ride for cheap by mailing JoJo to the resort.

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New Boots Luke gets the 1 on 1 Date. They dogsled to a DIY hot tub in the forest. Is it true, or did I just really want to write that sentence? Luke cuts the wood he’ll need for cooking JoJo, while she overlooks his skinny jeans and cropped moto jacket and calls him a man’s man. After bringing the water to a rolling boil, Luke strips into his bathing suit and steeps his date. JoJo is too distracted by his resemblance to Guile to mind. Look at his face. He’s holding her, but all he can think about is M. Bison.

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Over dinner, JoJo says she’s attracted to his pain, and he shares his back story as a platoon leader in Afghanistan. This intimate, vulnerable moment concludes with JoJo leading Luke to the designated makeout area on stage at a crowded country music concert. Is it possible that this is actually the house band and I just assume it’s a different group every time?

The Group Date is at Heinz Field with Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel, and Hines Ward. ARLB takes it very well when everyone enthuses over getting to meet professional football players. The men play tag football to win more time with JoJo, and things get bloody. Sweet Baby James says he wants to play through the injuries. The medic recommends immediate stitches,

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Blue Team has all the injured misfits, including ED Evan, whose nose starts bleeding again in anticipatory surrender. The White Team is the clear favorite, but in the last six seconds of the game, Charmless John Krasinski peaks in life and scores the winning touchdown.

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This is exactly as much as I’d like to see of Leatherheads.

After the game, it’s the After Party. At the After Party, there’s some guy named Robby. Ok, sorry. The real games have started in earnest. Robby declares he’s falling in love. JoJo tells him they make progress by not spending time together, and then they fool around on a pool table. After telling ARLB she can’t get a read on him, he recites this trademarked Bachelorette nonsense: “I feel like I’m falling for you. I mean, I can see somebody that I could fall in love with. And it means the world to me.” Fuck right off, ARLB.  Obviously, she rewards his timely confession of pre-love with the date rose.

For Chad and Alex’s 2 on 1 Date, Chris Harrison’s note says two men and a shovel go into the woods, one man comes out. Also the shovel. Before the date, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, and ARLB push Chad as far as they possibly can without having to stand behind their words. Chad threatens to come to ARLB’s house and hurt him. Goodbye Chad. The Foregone Conclusion Date is a hike intercut with footage of bears and set to the soundtrack of Crocodile Dundee 2. You’re going to have to trust me on this. JoJo takes Alex aside so he can snitch. He obliges, and then Chad and Alex have it out in what I believe is some kind of wartime code.

“Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes.” “Have a glass of milk, man.” “No. Don’t like milk. Don’t need anything.” “Well you should. Milk’s delicious.” “Hay is in the barn, dude.” “Pigs are in the castle.” Apparently this all means something to JoJo. Alex gets the rose. He gloats because he doesn’t realize he just lost the most interesting thing about himself. When Chad’s suitcase is removed from the hotel, the guys celebrate, but a little too soon. The episode ends with Chad’s impression of Mark Wahlberg in Fear. The scene where he shows up out of nowhere and yells through the door, that is. We’ll have to tune in next week to see if he fingered Alex on a roller coaster.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 3 Angergasm

Chris Harrison navigates his way through the spoiled remains of last night’s Rose Ceremony. The champagne has lost its fizz, the meat platters have turned, and some nobody named Nick is fawning all over Jordan. Harrison is Jay Gatsby, the morning after one of his parties.

The first 1 on 1 date goes to Chase, solely for the .001 seconds between “Cha” and “se” when the audience thinks it might be “Chad.” They show up at PervYoga, the kind of place where you really want to bring your own mat. The instructor (who, bless her, thought JoJo and Chase knew each other) demonstrates how to shout yourself to orgasm, asks JoJo to mount Chase, and then discreetly slips away before their series culminates in a downward facing lawsuit.

If you assumed Chase has lived a life of CIS white male privilege, he reveals the trauma of his parents’ divorce when he was 8. JoJo caves and gives him a rose, but just one. So will you keep it at your dad’s or your mom’s house, Chase? You have to choose. They kiss and slow dance in front of a country b(l)and that suddenly materializes.

Back at the MANsion, The Group Date card reads, “Love has no secrets.” The lucky suitors are Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, ED Evan, Chad, DJ Wells, 1/2 of the Jameses, Whosie, Whatsit, and Someguys.

Chad says he’d rather have a 1 on 1 date with JoJo than a Group Date, and the other dudes do their best to misunderstand him. ARLB mocks Chad’s spelling, sick burn. Chad calls ARLB a failed football player. Wait, ARLB played football? Marine Alex exhibits a deimatic response to perceived threats, and puffs up to his biggest and bravest. He calls Chad a piece of shit and then challenges him with a string of interrogatives.

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Evan giggles from the safety of the herd. Chad offers to fight anyone who has a problem with him, and everyone suddenly notices something that needs their attention on the floor. Who, me, me, me, me, me, me?

The Group Date is at Sex Talks, a sex-themed open mic night. One of our hostesses kicks things off with an on-stage orgasm, and Vinny admits he’s never heard anything like it. The guys are given 45 minutes to prep an anecdote about their sexual history, and Evan knows just what to talk about. Chad. This is good, because Chad doesn’t want to talk at all. JoJo will get a dick story when she’s earned a dick story.

During the show, we skim over DJ Wells’ threesome, ARLB’s self-fluffing, a cop assaulting 16 year old Grant, and that Drunk Canadian Daniel tied up a woman and cut off some of her hair. Instead, we focus on ED Evan calling Chad out for steroid use, to Marine Alex’s delight. After the show, Evan shoves past Chad to get to his seat, Chad rips Evan’s shirt, and then gets publicly humiliated when JoJo denies him an onstage kiss. Should have gone with the dick story, Chad! After the show, Chad punches a door, and Evan pretends he did everything in good fun.

During the cocktails portion of the Group Date, ARLB and JoJo have a talk that first aired a week or two ago. Chad tries to interrupt Mall Santa’s alone time with JoJo, but she makes him wait. Chad sits ten feet away from them staring at his watch, and Santa pushes past one of at least two cameramen there to complain about how crowded Chad is making it. When Chad does get time alone with JoJo, ED Evan interrupts to give JoJo an ultimatum. Evan or Chad? Chicken or beef? Neither can live while the other survives. JoJo says she’ll give ED Evan the date rose if he’ll shut up about Chad already. Evan sticks to his principles, and goes home. Psych! He says yes and climbs into his bunk bed to add a chapter to his feelings journal. That’s what he calls masturbating.

On the 1 on 1 date, JoJo takes Sweet Baby James on a tour of the Friend Zone.

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They take swing dance lessons, he fishes for a compliment about his looks, and then pulls out his goddamn guitar again. Wait- is ABC is making JoJo date the living embodiment of an obscure country band? Next season’s Bachelor is going to have to hook up with a helicopter.

Back home, Daniel, LeFou to Chad’s Gaston, suggests Chad should cool it. Let’s say you’re like Hitler. You don’t want to say that? Okay fine, Trump. Don’t be like Trump. Maybe bring it down to Mussolini or Bush levels. Thank you, Drunk Canadian Daniel, for some perspective on how American politics look from the outside.

When the dates are all done, Chris Harrison returns to the MANsion to inform the men that JoJo wants a pre-elimination Pool Party instead of the Cocktail Party. ED Evan follows Harrison out to complain that the fake security guards aren’t enough to protect him from the dude he keeps antagonizing. Harrison tells Chad to make nice, but he is talking to the guy that bought other contestants’ domain names to promote himself on Instagram. (robbyhayes.com, alexwoytkiw.com, etc.). Nice is for losers, Chad. You’re gonna be huge.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 2 Highest Level of D Bag

We kick off with a fireman-themed Group Date. The first responders are:

Actual fireman Grant
War Veteran Luke, who bought JoJo boots and so can stay as long as he wants
DJ Wells, possible consumptive
1/3 of the Jameses
Ali, recalcitrant child who isn’t living up to his potential
Evan, man most likely to own a twelve-sided die
Other white guys

Chad says something along the lines of, “First is the worst,” before going outside to 50 Shades of Gray his luggage.

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On the date, Fire Chief Tracy tells the guys this competition is to determine who can protect JoJo in an emergency. Wait, what are you preparing us for, ABC? The men compete in a series of challenges to secure extra time with the Bachelorette. Every member of the flammable public should be rooting for actual fireman Grant, but he may wander off to lean on a picturesque barn and lose it to Luke, the brooding boot guy. After hauling firehoses and chopping wood, it dawns on DJ unWells why Andrew Garfield does not do his own stunts. He takes a break from the competition to cling to life, asks himself, “What would All 4 One do?,” and wisely uses this time to flirt with a concerned JoJo. The final challenge has fireman Grant, military man Luke, and DJ unWells rescuing JoJo from a fiery building. Luke is briefly in the lead but loses to Fireman Grant, whose job I will now grudgingly capitalize.

In the Cocktail After Party, Fireman Grant uses his extra time with JoJo to recount the plot of Backdraft. We find out Evan has kids, Luke hasn’t dated since 2013, and JoJo uses the Date Rose/participation trophy to remind everyone that unWells almost died.

Back at the MANsion, I watch through my fingers as the remaining topless suitors sing an original song speculating on where JoJo got off to. After a successful(?) performance, they leap up and squeal with pleasure.

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Okay, that’s just Up At 3AM Christian jumping and high fiving everyone, and he’s clearly teetering between so excited! and so scared!  Still, only Chad questions why a group of men would willingly abase themselves before the stranger they claim to already love, and at this point we are to believe this makes Chad a…VILLAIN!

JoJo’s next date is with John Krasinski look-alike Derek on a 1 On 1. I don’t really have to remember his name do I? For just this episode? Fine. The theme is Choose Your Own Adventure, so JoJo chooses to let God drive.

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After hopping aboard a plane that can only fly north, they make their way to a picnic in San Francisco overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see one of those limos navigating Lombard Street. There’s unremarkable kissing, Derek is afraid of rejection (you fucking should be, Derek), and then they make out in a fountain.

The next morning in the MANsion, that annoying JoJo song is on again, and douchebag in a black tank top Chad tells douchebag in a black tank top Drunk Canadian what you’d get if you put all the other contestants in a blender together. Is he talking a really big blender? Because if not, that is going to take a very long time. It’s hard to follow when they’re talking over each other, but I’ve done the work for you, and this is Chad’s complete thought: “If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance.” Why do I get the feeling Chad is always one Jäger shot away from a face tattoo?

Group Date 2 is with SportsNation hosts Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. JoJo’s relevant boyfriends are:

Christian, enthusiastic Telecom Consultant
Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother
Alex the Marine
Chad
1/3 of the Jameses
Nick/ Mall Santa

The guys compete in a series of the least physical sports challenges. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother is worried his rankings will suffer because Marcellus doesn’t like quarterbacks. ARLB, Marcellus will neither penalize you, nor recognize you. The first challenge asks the guys for a celebratory touchdown dance. Hyper Christian has been waiting for this one. So has Aaron Rodger’s Little Brother. Chad sort of cartwheels and then scoops JoJo up and spins her. If you were wondering how these guys think of JoJo, Max Kellerman calls out, “Hands off the merchandise!” to clarify. Next up, the guys have to get dizzy and propose. Chad won’t play along and calls her naggy. During the Press Conference challenge, Sweet Baby Lame sings again, and Chad declines to declare love just yet. Instead, he suggests anyone who can is either crazy, or using JoJo. Zoom in on ARLB.

Max and Marcellus discuss the guys’ performances, and rank them. The top three are

  1. Sweet Baby James, for shamelessly self promoting
  2. Chad, for keeping it real
  3. Alex, for the look on Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother’s face when he doesn’t make the cut

They are awarded with alone time with JoJo. James Taylor/Serious John C. Reilly says a smile is the only thing from the inside that you can see on the outside. Well, a smile and everything that happens in a bathroom. He’s crazy about JoJo and reads her an emotional speech about who he is and why he’s there. Chad doesn’t get why guys are reading her speeches. For all his snorting and pawing of the ground, he manages to hold JoJo’s interest with the yorkie puppy he inherited from his recently passed mom. Is he a villain? Is he a hero? The producers seem undecided, and hedge their bets by only shooting Chad in chiaroschuro.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, Chad intercepts JoJo to seduce her with a glass of wine and his heady aroma of lunch meat. The men do not like seeing them come into the house together. Chad spends the rest of the night alternating between acting like a ham and eating one. Chase the medical sales rep gets a mini date in fake snow, but we’re more focused on the circle of angry tier two guys surrounding meat stick Chad. He responds by stealing ED Evan’s time with JoJo and pounding more fistfuls of animal carcass.

At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo trims the fat. Goodbye to Turkey on White Will, Meat Alternative/Bachelor Fan James, and, the coldest cut of the night, Hipster. Tune in next week, when Chad eats a live cow.