JoJo and her – what’s the scientific name for a group of boyfriends? I think “shrug” suits this specific group nicely. JoJo and her shrug arrive in Buenos Aires, a city with a strict red dress/black leather jacket dress code. To pronounce Buenos Aires, you simply pick your favorite letters and say them. Our beloved host, Chris Harrison, meets JoJo in a park and within two minutes she brings up her ex, Ben Higgins, and suggests she might do something wacky like fall in love with two people, also. Chris Harrison, you did it again.
The 1 on 1 date card reads, “Bésame, bésame muchacho,” which Chase translates.
Chosen for this date is DJ Wells, who foolishly confesses he’s the only guy that hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. He gets mocked by Alex, Robby, and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, guys who are definitely not a mean clique, just a bunch of mean individuals. JoJo wants to know if Wells loves her so, and apparently the answer is in his kiss. That’s right, we finally get a date based on The Shoop Shoop Song, by Cher. This is a song my mom stopped while we were singing along to say, “You know it’s not in his kiss, right? It actually is in the way he acts.” Did no one have the Shoop Shoop talk with JoJo? And why would Cher lie to us about where it is?
On their date, DJ Wells buys her a bracelet and they watch Cirque du Soleil take a bath. Wells knows he’s supposed to kiss her, but music and darkness and semi-naked ladies all around don’t make him think about sex. The signs of his demise are there, but in case you still don’t believe the Precogs,
they offer us some autobiographical performance art. Wells puts on a larger man’s dress shirt, gets shot down, and then watches JoJo slide just outside of his grasp. They cool off with a slosh through a room-sized amniotic sac, and Wells is finally turned on enough to make his move. He said he wanted a once in a lifetime kiss, and I suspect he’s getting exactly that. Over dinner, JoJo asks about his ex so she can talk about hers again, and then Wells warns JoJo that all passion fades. JoJo thinks maybe he’s just not dating hot enough people. Whatever, if this is the honeymoon phase, JoJo is out. She holds up the date rose, but from the moment she says she respects him, we know he’s a goner. They hug 4-5 times as he leaves. Oh, Wells.
The guys on the Group Date are: Alex, James Taylor, Robby, Luke, and ARLB. That is in the order they greet her and in the order they’ll get eliminated. The occupations listed for this shrug of dudes are Marine, Former Competitive Swimmer, War Veteran, and Former Pro Quarterback, so yes, the Singer-Songwriter is feeling a little intimidated.
JoJo, however, is feeling great.
The best thing about this is she doesn’t even mean these are all of her boyfriends. She has spares back at the house in case one of these deflates. They play soccer with locals and make penalty kicks to win a kiss. James wins with whatever the soccer equivalent of a bunt is, and then kisses JoJo with whatever the kiss equivalent of a bunt is.
At the evening cocktail party, it is clear JoJo wants Luke to be the Keymaster to her Gatekeeper. You know she’s not going to marry anyone until she gets that man out of his skinny jeans and into a Fantasy Suite. James Taylor complains to JoJo about ARLB, a foolish move that results in pity kisses and angry wine swilling. Luke gets the date rose, and Alex is still the worst.
For the 2 on 1 Date, JoJo takes Thrill of the Chase and Derek/Season 9 Jim from the Office to tango lessons. Neither guy can dance, but Derek has a cool move where he presses his nose against hers so she can’t see Chase. During a steak dinner that nobody eats, Derek leads JoJo to a private loveseat to tell her he’s falling for her, which JoJo reciprocates with… her appreciation. Chase’s turn! She courteously leads him to a different makeout loveseat, muses on how she could have done things differently with Ben, and then demands a confession of love. Chase obliges, Derek gets cut, and we get to see JoJo and Chase enjoy a performance of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” while Derek sobs. Is he supposed to be Argentina, or Eva Peron?
The men enter a marble palace for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Winners continue, losers get eaten by the Volturi. ARLB offers that JoJo might be the woman, “I want to do life with.” She mentally edits this into something a human might say, and he’s in the clear. Robby is starting to look like a Tim Burton character, but he’s safe, too. Alex and James Taylor both try to kiss JoJo into liking them, trusting that she still doesn’t know the Shoop Shoop lesson. She doesn’t, and after a very staged moment, JoJo decides to cut them next week instead.