We kick off with a fireman-themed Group Date. The first responders are:
Actual fireman Grant
War Veteran Luke, who bought JoJo boots and so can stay as long as he wants
DJ Wells, possible consumptive
1/3 of the Jameses
Ali, recalcitrant child who isn’t living up to his potential
Evan, man most likely to own a twelve-sided die
Other white guys
Chad says something along the lines of, “First is the worst,” before going outside to 50 Shades of Gray his luggage.
On the date, Fire Chief Tracy tells the guys this competition is to determine who can protect JoJo in an emergency. Wait, what are you preparing us for, ABC? The men compete in a series of challenges to secure extra time with the Bachelorette. Every member of the flammable public should be rooting for actual fireman Grant, but he may wander off to lean on a picturesque barn and lose it to Luke, the brooding boot guy. After hauling firehoses and chopping wood, it dawns on DJ unWells why Andrew Garfield does not do his own stunts. He takes a break from the competition to cling to life, asks himself, “What would All 4 One do?,” and wisely uses this time to flirt with a concerned JoJo. The final challenge has fireman Grant, military man Luke, and DJ unWells rescuing JoJo from a
fiery building. Luke is briefly in the lead but loses to Fireman Grant, whose job I will now grudgingly capitalize.
In the Cocktail After Party, Fireman Grant uses his extra time with JoJo to recount the plot of Backdraft. We find out Evan has kids, Luke hasn’t dated since 2013, and JoJo uses the Date Rose/participation trophy to remind everyone that unWells almost died.
Back at the MANsion, I watch through my fingers as the remaining topless suitors sing an original song speculating on where JoJo got off to. After a successful(?) performance, they leap up and squeal with pleasure.
Okay, that’s just Up At 3AM Christian jumping and high fiving everyone, and he’s clearly teetering between so excited! and so scared! Still, only Chad questions why a group of men would willingly abase themselves before the stranger they claim to already love, and at this point we are to believe this makes Chad a…VILLAIN!
JoJo’s next date is with John Krasinski look-alike Derek on a 1 On 1. I don’t really have to remember his name do I? For just this episode? Fine. The theme is Choose Your Own Adventure, so JoJo chooses to let God drive.
After hopping aboard a plane that can only fly north, they make their way to a picnic in San Francisco overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see one of those limos navigating Lombard Street. There’s unremarkable kissing, Derek is afraid of rejection (you fucking should be, Derek), and then they make out in a fountain.
The next morning in the MANsion, that annoying JoJo song is on again, and douchebag in a black tank top Chad tells douchebag in a black tank top Drunk Canadian what you’d get if you put all the other contestants in a blender together. Is he talking a really big blender? Because if not, that is going to take a very long time. It’s hard to follow when they’re talking over each other, but I’ve done the work for you, and this is Chad’s complete thought: “If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance.” Why do I get the feeling Chad is always one Jäger shot away from a face tattoo?
Group Date 2 is with SportsNation hosts Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. JoJo’s relevant boyfriends are:
Christian, enthusiastic Telecom Consultant
Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother
Alex the Marine
1/3 of the Jameses
Nick/ Mall Santa
The guys compete in a series of the least physical sports challenges. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother is worried his rankings will suffer because Marcellus doesn’t like quarterbacks. ARLB, Marcellus will neither penalize you, nor recognize you. The first challenge asks the guys for a celebratory touchdown dance. Hyper Christian has been waiting for this one. So has Aaron Rodger’s Little Brother. Chad sort of cartwheels and then scoops JoJo up and spins her. If you were wondering how these guys think of JoJo, Max Kellerman calls out, “Hands off the merchandise!” to clarify. Next up, the guys have to get dizzy and propose. Chad won’t play along and calls her naggy. During the Press Conference challenge, Sweet Baby Lame sings again, and Chad declines to declare love just yet. Instead, he suggests anyone who can is either crazy, or using JoJo. Zoom in on ARLB.
Max and Marcellus discuss the guys’ performances, and rank them. The top three are
- Sweet Baby James, for shamelessly self promoting
- Chad, for keeping it real
- Alex, for the look on Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother’s face when he doesn’t make the cut
They are awarded with alone time with JoJo. James Taylor/Serious John C. Reilly says a smile is the only thing from the inside that you can see on the outside. Well, a smile and everything that happens in a bathroom. He’s crazy about JoJo and reads her an emotional speech about who he is and why he’s there. Chad doesn’t get why guys are reading her speeches. For all his snorting and pawing of the ground, he manages to hold JoJo’s interest with the yorkie puppy he inherited from his recently passed mom. Is he a villain? Is he a hero? The producers seem undecided, and hedge their bets by only shooting Chad in chiaroschuro.
Pre-Rose Ceremony, Chad intercepts JoJo to seduce her with a glass of wine and his heady aroma of lunch meat. The men do not like seeing them come into the house together. Chad spends the rest of the night alternating between acting like a ham and eating one. Chase the medical sales rep gets a mini date in fake snow, but we’re more focused on the circle of angry tier two guys surrounding meat stick Chad. He responds by stealing ED Evan’s time with JoJo and pounding more fistfuls of animal carcass.
At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo trims the fat. Goodbye to Turkey on White Will, Meat Alternative/Bachelor Fan James, and, the coldest cut of the night, Hipster. Tune in next week, when Chad eats a live cow.