Nick dons his favorite Vera Bradley tie and meets the women pre-Rose Ceremony to “be totally transparent” about the tryst he’s been hiding. He assures the women that while yes, he did know Liz before going on the show, in no way did he treat her that way. Nick regrets dumping her so abruptly, but he just was more in love with everyone else. Anyway, Nick’s fling is flung and he is focused on using up Corinne’s promotional sex tokens before they expire next episode. The women know they’re supposed to react, but not how. Most of them are taking this as a freebie to demonstrate that they’re cool girlfriends before he does something to really piss them off. These women queue up so Nick can stroke their fingers, tap their collarbones, or in some other way keep them from going idle. Women who do have concerns may as well line up by the door.
Not to be outdone by the woman Nick sent home, Corinne digs out her sexy Inspector Gadget costume and practices tying and untying the belt to her trench coat. Satisfied that it can open, our classically trained seductress grabs a can of whipped cream and makes for her target. Nick wants all of this to happen, but also suspects she may have been sent by Putin. He tries playing dumb – Is that a dress or a coat? Why do we need whipped cream? He might as well ask, “What’s a dick for?” Corinne asks Nick to lick dessert topping off her breast, and he tells the camera in an aside that he’s juggling a lot right now. Yes, he does make the international sign for juggling, which is identical to the international sign for boob juggling. Corinne may be determined not to come in second, but Second is determined not to come in her, either. She leaves feeling rejected, has a cry, and decides to sleep it off while the other women get eliminated.
Meanwhile, at the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to three blondes, bumping up their species from vulnerable to endangered.
The morning after, Chris Harrison arrives at Bachelor Mansion to fluff the women’s date expectations. And he delivers – for a room full of woman vying over a market tested romance experience with a man on a victory lap, there is nothing better than a Backstreet Boys date. Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne head out for a Group Date to train as backup dancers.
Corinne has lost her mojo and hangs back, while Danielle and professional dancer Jasmine lead the pack. The women contextualize their BSB fandom by putting on 1990s period costumes, including off-the-shoulder crop tops and chokers. Danielle wins a slow dance to I Want It That Way, a song that makes about as much sense as anything on this show. The rest of this segment focuses on Corinne’s jealousy, rather than how Danielle beat a professional dancer in a dance off.
In the evening portion of the Group Date, Corinne is on firmer ground. She goes with her tried and true technique: almost put on clothes, grab Nick first, if all else fails, deploy boobs. She is apologetic about sleeping through the Rose Ceremony, but Nick doesn’t mind as long as he’s not in trouble with the other women. Relieved, Corinne does what anyone that is living her best life would do after dry humping, and naps.
Next up is the Backstreet Boys’ pick, Danielle. Is she original? Meh. Is she the only one? Nooo-o. Is she sexual? Yeah. Nick decides to rock her body incompetently. They tenderly caress fingers, then Nick pulls her in for a kiss, but in an effort to avoid an accidental boob graze he lowers his hand and gropes his own knee, which he corrects by accidentally grabbing her inner thigh, then makes a hasty recovery up to her neck. For all his experience, he did not practice making out on benches. Danielle gets the date rose for sticking it out.
Back at the house, the women lose it when they find out Corinne has a nanny, but be real. We all want one. I slice my own cucumbers and it sucks. The next 1 on 1 Date Card arrives for Vanessa: “You make me feel like I’m floating.”
She gets to experience the preferred weight on the show’s casting call in zero G. At first it’s a joy to watch the new couple twirling weightlessly and doing trick pushups, but this family friendly fun inevitably leads to float fucking and upchucking. Nick strokes Vanessa’s feet and loads up on gum to help power through completely unnecessary kissing. Touched by his tolerance for stomach acid, Vanessa gives this speech over dinner that evening. It needs to be transcribed in full, because it cannot be improved upon.
I remember being in the limo for my grandfather’s funeral and we had just said our goodbyes and we each got a red rose. It felt weird, but, at the same time, I feel like my grand – I knew my grandfather was gonna be with me throughout this journey. You know?
A sign from beyond the grave to go on a dating game show? Oh yes, we know. She compliments his relationship with his mom and he tears up and tells Vanessa she makes him less afraid. They’re both crushing it. I’m not crazy about Vanessa’s post-kiss lip smacking, but his eyes should still be closed every time it happens, so maybe it doesn’t matter.
The second Group Date card reads, “I’m done playing the field.” Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique join Nick and Olympic athletes Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter for a “Nickathalon.” Dominique and Sarah are feeling especially obscure and competitive, but only Astrid, Rachel, and Alexis make it to round 2. The last leg of the race is a 100 meter dash for a novelty engagement ring, followed by a sprint into a hot tub with Nick. Rachel leads, but fumbles the ring in her haste and has to double back. Only on Nick’s season would first place be a disadvantage. Astrid, in third place, tries to swoop up the ring but Rachel arrives just in time to stomp and shatter it like glass slipper. Astrid isn’t going back to the attic with those singing mice, though, and sprints off to Prince Hot Tub with a salvaged fragment of ring.
Part two of the date is at Big Daddy Antiques. Dominique- Who? Exactly. – is freaking out that she hasn’t had any time with Nick. Rachel attempts a pep talk, but Dominique is too in her head and uses her time with Nick to scold him for not being more attentive. He dumps her very attentively, and rejoins the other women to gift Rachel with the date rose. He has perfected his line – I dumped her and it’s because of my commitment to you. Somewhere in there Jaimi assures Nick she isn’t a weird lesbian.
While the women gather over eggs and coffee the next morning, host with the toast Chris Harrison busts in to tell them Nick has decided to swap the stodgy evening cocktail party for a mid-morning pool party. An inflatable flamingo who’s seen it all floats by, while contestants try to bikini their way up the rankings. Meanwhile, Corinne proves she can do perfectly well without childcare and seeks out a bouncy house and willing playmate in Nick. She grinds on him until she’s all tuckered out, then puts herself down for a nap and sends him off to face the wrath of the conscious.