Bachelor 21, Episode 7 I’ve Been on a Bigger Boat Than This

The remaining contestants gather to discuss their invitation to be the plus 5 at Nick’s pity party. Dress code: something sexy, but also comfy on an airplane home. Nick is scared he’ll die alone, found suffocated in a defective murphy bed surrounded by stacks of the old US Weekly magazines he calls his “friends.” Nick has reached the same turning point in the show that Benlovable did, when Rose Ceremonies are no longer about the bullets you just dodged so much as the realization that of the women left, none of them are your mom. But The Bachelor has something better than a mom. It has Chris Harrison. Harrison pulls out his feather duster of truth and clears the cobwebs. Do you want to give up a harem in St. Thomas? No? Great. Get your head back in the game. Nick decides to tell the women that he has recovered completely from last night’s breakdown, and since Harrison says he’s not allowed to handle the roses without supervision anymore, the women are safe for the night. They cheer.

The One on One Date goes to Vanessa, the trilingual Italian-Canadian sauce-making special needs teacher. She may sound promising, but let’s remember the deal breaker “Would You Rather” comment Nick made during his Fantasy Suite with Andi. “If I had four times, I’d like to fuck the first three times, and make love the fourth.” Imagine him saying this to Vanessa. She would smack him with Nonna’s wooden spoon so fast. There is one woman still on this show that he can share that kind of aspirational fuck/make love ratio with, and that woman is Corinne. Instead, Nick and Vanessa (25% Make Love/75% Make Sauce) boat out to a snorkel location. She tells Nick she started to doubt him when he cried in front of her. The second time. She was very clear on the first date about wanting to put absolutely no work into their relationship, and this reeks of work. Nick also hates working, but if this season doesn’t go well he might have to start. He hastily patches things up, and they snorkel around the decayed skeleton of a shipwreck. Future sobering metaphor dates will include s’more-making over a dumpster fire and mudbath treatments at Jerry Garcia’s romantic day spa, Goddess Dead. Kissing beside the carnage in the water, Vanessa realizes she’s in love. She tells Nick over dinner, and he says he has been in love on this show twice before, and will only say it again to one person (this season). Oh well, work it is.

Corinne desperately wants the next One on One Date, since she hasn’t had one yet, so of course she finds herself on a Group Date with Kristina and Raven. Their boat ride out to swim with sharks is largely occupied by Nick rubbing sunscreen on Kristina’s inner thighs, Corinne not liking it, and Raven playing by the rules and proudly enduring it. When it comes to actually swimming with the sharks, there are mixed reactions. Raven is gunning to punch one. Corinne thinks twice, but can’t resist a dare and dives in. Kristina, however, has faced death plenty, thank you very much, and gets out of the water. Nick gets out to comfort her, and takes her aside in the evening portion of the date to cry about dumping Danielle Brunette again. Kristina points out that he’s got five more cuts in front of him, so he’d better pull it together. Maybe he should limit the crying to contestants about each other. In her private time with Nick, Raven very efficiently runs down her talking points-

  • I’m old-school (ask my daddy for my hand).
  • My parents aren’t divorced.
  • My dad had cancer but is cured.

Nick appreciates her clarity and willingness to overlook him groping Kristina all night, and rewards Raven with the date rose. They dance on the sand to a band that energetically jumps up and down during slow songs.

The next day’s One on One with Danielle Blonde is brutal. She mostly just echoes Nick’s sentences back to him, but at no point does he say anything interesting enough to hear twice. They bike, play basketball, then mercifully stop talking altogether. If they had themed it as a mime date, this could have been really cute. Impressive, really. Unfortunately, it is a talking date, which Nick proves by giving his dumping soliloquoy over dinner. Danielle Blonde gives all the personality and vulnerability she’s been saving to the camera, and goes back to their shared hometown, where she will most definitely be the ex he runs into next time he’s on the show.

Unwilling to meet the same fate, the last blonde standing readies for battle. Corinne applies her face, paints on her pants, and heads over to Nick’s room for a self-made One on One Mate. The cameraman leaves, but the microphones catch Corinne teaching Nick how to drive her boobs. Nick can’t be fooled thrice, however, and stops things before filling her tank.

The next day he fits in some flirting with Rachel, then decides he has time to break one more heart. Nick dumps Kristina, whose thighs are all groped out. She looks like she wants some off-camera time with Nick and the shark-infested water, but leaves the show without committing murder. That’s what The Women Tell All episode is for. Nick is left now with Raven, Rachel, Corinne and Vanessa for the Hometown Dates, contestants with so little in common that I can only say Nick’s type is “women.” My first thought was that this is like saying all of the Spice Girls are your favorite, but of course that’s wrong. If you combine all the Spice Girls you get Corinne. Get your act together, Nick, and you’ll be just fine.