Bachelorette 12, Episode 5 Filling the Void of Chad

We open in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, a great place to fall in…an abandoned mine shaft. Back at the Corral of O.K.s, the guys celebrate Alex’s triumph over Chad on the 2 on 1 Date. They couldn’t find his bra to freeze, so they throw Chad a mock funeral. DJ Wells, who looked around at the other dudes and figured he must be the funny one, provides the eulogy, while the cruel 6th graders adult males with voting privileges and everything spread his dehydrated lunch meat powder to the winds. Oh, and this fucking guy still won’t put down his guitar:

James Taylor Bachelorette Guitar.png

When Chad gets back to the house, he and Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother forcefully shake hands, leaving their submissive hands free to measure their dicks. Professional dick-measurer ED Evan adds that Chad still owes him for the t-shirt he tore, and we are zero surprised that Evan has no idea the protein powder he trashed costs way more than his favorite shirt. And that’s it. Chad is gone.

Chadless at the Cocktail Party, the guys fumble for a new target. There are no obvious choices, but any minority or person in mourning should do. Robby, by the looks of it an ardent Jimmy Neutron fan, gives JoJo a coin to make a wish in a fountain. She wishes he’d try a straight leg or maybe even a slim bootcut, but he kisses her instead. 1/2 of the Jameses reads her an original poem, but I couldn’t see JoJo’s reaction through the couch pillow I held over my face. She sounded very polite. ARLB shoves her against a wall to make out, a middle finger to the men on the flip side of that wall who will see this months later.

Jordan Rodgers Wall Kiss.png
It’s like a really aggressive bunny ears.

At the Rose Ceremony, JoJo sends home Drunk Canadian and Boxer Poet James, leaving us with Almost Jim Halpert, Robby, Chase, DJ Wells, Fireman Grant, Vinny, last James standing, ARLB, Luke, and (after a visible shudder from JoJo) t-shirt vendettist Evan. Fun fact, you can arrange their names into a passable sounding Elizabethan English sentence: “Robby, grant Luke chase Evan wells!”

JoJo and her 11 boyfriends celebrate with a change of scene. They’re going to Uruguay, a country they are 90% sure is real and not something the show made up. Once there, The 1 on 1 Date goes to ARLB, floppy-haired front runner. On this date, we watch ARLB say basically anything, and JoJo hear, “I won’t cheat, I love you!” His denials of guilt and her lessening fear lead her to the logical conclusion that this is, “the start of the most perfect love story.”

Meanwhile, the producers have distributed a tabloid interview with JoJo’s ex to sow discord among her suitors. Unfortunately for the show, JoJo is a pretty and earnest crier, and the men fall over themselves to tell her how many times they read but didn’t believe the article.

The Group Date is more nothing. A bunch of them sand surf, then everyone decides they don’t like Derek. I bet you real John Krasinski is more than a little needy with his wife this week.

Robby gets the 1 on 1, and JoJo takes him for a tour of “South American Culture.” In South America, people juggle in the streets and cliff jump. Over dinner, Robby confides that his best friend died, and within 6 months he left his job, home, and girlfriend to come on the show. He confesses his love, an intense and sudden emotion that is definitely coming from a stable man making good choices. She is flustered, but hopes this means maybe some other guys will start to fall in love soon, too. Robby gets a rose, fireworks, and at least one more week before he has to confront his pain.

Derek tries to call out Chase, ARLB, Alex, and Robby for teaming up on him, but he does it alone and they team up on him. JoJo skips the cocktail party so she doesn’t have to interact with ED Evan, Grant, or Vinny before she cuts them, for which we are all very grateful.

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