Bachelorette 12, Episode 4 Pigs Are In The Castle

We pick up with Chris Harrison telling Chad to fake apologize to a room full of angry Entourage fans. Chad grudgingly verbalizes the tacit social understanding that we don’t hit each other, but nothing gets settled. I can’t wait until this storyline is out of the way and I can devote more time to these guys’ ridiculous haircuts. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, ED Evan, Chase, Robby, you’re on notice.

JoJo arrives for the pre-dumping Pool Party, which entails chicken fights and synchronized swim routines. True to type, Evan emerges from his gesture of athleticism (a synchronized dive) with a nose bleed. He tends to his nose and we see one of his tattoos, “Ani L’Dodi,” transliterated from the Hebrew, meaning #NeverChad.

JoJo kicks off the individual thigh stroking sessions with Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother. From the moment JoJo wraps her legs around his waist and says she doesn’t trust him, we know he’s the one. Sex and fear, the foundations of a healthy marriage. Everyone else’s 1 on 1 time is devoted to calling out Chad’s “negative energy.” Chad overhears Uncharismatic Jim from the Office talking trash, and kicks an innocent byfloater in frustration. ABC posts a casting call for another pretend security guard.

Chad Kicks Flamingo Bachelorette JoJo.png

At the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to Christian, Ali, and Mall Santa. Chad gets to stay, but he’s following the Olivia trajectory. That goes something like: brag, succeed, brag, succeed, brag, get stranded in the wilderness.

JoJo is ready to vet wilderness locations immediately, so she’s off to rural Pennsylvania. ABC games the system, and gets a picturesque small plane ride for cheap by mailing JoJo to the resort.

Mail Plane JoJo Bachelorette.png

New Boots Luke gets the 1 on 1 Date. They dogsled to a DIY hot tub in the forest. Is it true, or did I just really want to write that sentence? Luke cuts the wood he’ll need for cooking JoJo, while she overlooks his skinny jeans and cropped moto jacket and calls him a man’s man. After bringing the water to a rolling boil, Luke strips into his bathing suit and steeps his date. JoJo is too distracted by his resemblance to Guile to mind. Look at his face. He’s holding her, but all he can think about is M. Bison.

Luke Guile Hot Tub JoJo Bachelorette.png

Over dinner, JoJo says she’s attracted to his pain, and he shares his back story as a platoon leader in Afghanistan. This intimate, vulnerable moment concludes with JoJo leading Luke to the designated makeout area on stage at a crowded country music concert. Is it possible that this is actually the house band and I just assume it’s a different group every time?

The Group Date is at Heinz Field with Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel, and Hines Ward. ARLB takes it very well when everyone enthuses over getting to meet professional football players. The men play tag football to win more time with JoJo, and things get bloody. Sweet Baby James says he wants to play through the injuries. The medic recommends immediate stitches,

James Think I'm Fine Bachelorette.png

Blue Team has all the injured misfits, including ED Evan, whose nose starts bleeding again in anticipatory surrender. The White Team is the clear favorite, but in the last six seconds of the game, Charmless John Krasinski peaks in life and scores the winning touchdown.

Leatherheads Derek Evan Bachelorette JoJo.png
This is exactly as much as I’d like to see of Leatherheads.

After the game, it’s the After Party. At the After Party, there’s some guy named Robby. Ok, sorry. The real games have started in earnest. Robby declares he’s falling in love. JoJo tells him they make progress by not spending time together, and then they fool around on a pool table. After telling ARLB she can’t get a read on him, he recites this trademarked Bachelorette nonsense: “I feel like I’m falling for you. I mean, I can see somebody that I could fall in love with. And it means the world to me.” Fuck right off, ARLB.  Obviously, she rewards his timely confession of pre-love with the date rose.

For Chad and Alex’s 2 on 1 Date, Chris Harrison’s note says two men and a shovel go into the woods, one man comes out. Also the shovel. Before the date, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, and ARLB push Chad as far as they possibly can without having to stand behind their words. Chad threatens to come to ARLB’s house and hurt him. Goodbye Chad. The Foregone Conclusion Date is a hike intercut with footage of bears and set to the soundtrack of Crocodile Dundee 2. You’re going to have to trust me on this. JoJo takes Alex aside so he can snitch. He obliges, and then Chad and Alex have it out in what I believe is some kind of wartime code.

“Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes.” “Have a glass of milk, man.” “No. Don’t like milk. Don’t need anything.” “Well you should. Milk’s delicious.” “Hay is in the barn, dude.” “Pigs are in the castle.” Apparently this all means something to JoJo. Alex gets the rose. He gloats because he doesn’t realize he just lost the most interesting thing about himself. When Chad’s suitcase is removed from the hotel, the guys celebrate, but a little too soon. The episode ends with Chad’s impression of Mark Wahlberg in Fear. The scene where he shows up out of nowhere and yells through the door, that is. We’ll have to tune in next week to see if he fingered Alex on a roller coaster.

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