This episode is actually a personality quiz sponsored by Cosmopolitan Magazine. When you’re surrounded by desperate single people who are all DTF, and still no one wants you, do you:
A. Jump to the defense of another loser. If you stand up for her, you’ll look like a good person and get promoted from Loseringest Loser to Second Most Losery Person There.
B. Game the system. They want losers? I’ll give them losers. In fact, I’ll form Team Loser.
C. Threaten someone into loving you, and if that doesn’t work, probably go on a killing spree.
Did you answer A? You’re a JJ! We pick up with JJ yelling empty threats at Kentucky Joe-ciopath in Juelia’s defense. Everyone knows why, but because Bachelor In Paradise episodes last two days, Tenley or Clare (can you honestly tell the difference?) pops out from behind a fern demanding a recap.
Kentucky Joe-ciopath is busy telling Samantha she’s too good for him, so JJ is forced to find another way to redeem himself. New girl Megan hasn’t fulfilled her mercenary kissing quota with JJ, so he offers Juelia his rose. She says she may be a widowed single mom who got played on national tv while trying to fall in love on a reality show (again), but she’s not that desperate. Not JJ desperate. She’s Mikey desperate, which, to be fair, is actually way less sad on the Kirk (not)-Kentucky Joe (very) desperate scale.
Juelia answered “B” on the Cosmo quiz and asks Chris Harrison to bring Jersey Shore cast-off Mikey back for the chance at love he was denied (when she laughed in his face and chose Joe). Chris Harrison hates neither the player nor the game, so he’s obviously going to make this happen.
JJ is nothing if not persistent, however, and gives his rose to Crazy Eyes Ashley, who also absolutely does not want it. He then gives a dramatic speech about how he has to go home and pursue a girl he dumped in order to sleep with other women in Paradise. Oh JJ, we will miss you and your well-worn vocabulary flashcards. Hot tip- if you write the definitions on the back, you can also learn the big words’ meanings.
Now we’re down to the last rose. For some reason, everyone wants Dan to give his rose to Juelia, and not the girl he is dating (Amber). He thinks about it, which makes me think Amber has some strategic re-evaluating to do, but ultimately Dan picks Amber. Megan, Clare and Juelia are out. Clare delicately suggests she would do better as The Bachelorette before leaving. Sorry, Clare, you can’t switch answers from “A” to “B.” Juelia’s move pays off, though, and she is rescued by Mikey’s return. Of course, now Juelia has to date Mikey, but she’ll think about that tomorrow. Their’s is the celebrity name I’m most excited about- “Juelkey” captures both of their misspellings nicely, so I’m going with that.
Speaking of relationships that exist for no reason except to stay on the show, Everybody’s High School Ex-Boyfriend Jared pulls Crazy Ashley I. aside
for a special romantic date to dump her on a bed on the beach. He had rationed their kisses to one every two days and didn’t touch or talk to her except to say they should see other people, but aside from that Jared gave her no warning. Crazy Ashley I. falls apart, and he mercifully lets her believe it’s because he is still into his ex-tv girlfriend, Kaitlyn. Jared spends the rest of the episode staring wistfully into the ocean posing for Facebook profile pics/planning how to proceed if a girl he likes shows up. Oh Crazy Ashley, don’t cry. You’re young, pretty and have a bright future as a spokesperson for whoever makes your truly incredible fake eyelash glue.
Meanwhile, some new guy named Nick rolls in for S(h)amantha. Like Kentucky Joe-ciopath, S(h)am communicated with Nick every day for two months prior to the show, but she declines his offer of a date to save face in front of everyone. He is baffled, but proceeds by asking out the only available girl who isn’t crying, Crazy Eyes Ashley. Unfortunately, they can’t go on their private island date because of a hurricane, so instead they get wasted and vomit “chemistry” into each other’s mouths.
Did you think I forgot? Kentucky Joe-ciopath picked “C” in the Cosmo quiz! He throws himself a birthday party, but must have made a mistake when he blew out his candle and accidentally wished to get dumped. Sorry, S(h)amantha just can’t handle the drama and lies.
Oh, and Jade and Tanner get a date, make tequila and tell each other they’re almost in love. He kisses her shoulder until she falls asleep in their Fantasy Suite, and then masturbates to her Playboy video.
After getting dumped by Jared’s perfectly chiseled jaw, Crazy Ashley I. seeks out also recently dumped Kentucky Joe-ciopath to commiserate. He confesses he is unable to experience any emotion except for rage, and calls out, “Who’s getting your rose?” as she leaves, sobbing.
New couple by necessity, Juelkey, go to Guadalajara for a date. Everyone agrees that if there isn’t love on the show for someone with as much emotional baggage as Juelia, there’s no love for anyone. No love for anyone it is! Juelia is safe for the week, and gets the best date in the history of dates to a Mexican wrestling match. The price of admission is sitting on Mikey’s lap and accepting a no-sex Fantasy Suite afterwards.
The rest of the drama revolves around Kentucky Joe-ciopath’s totally reasonable ultimatum for S(h)amantha. Marry me and have my babies, or crash and burn. By crash and burn, Joe means he’ll show everyone the text she sent him (“Do whatever it takes to get a rose”), a text that everyone already knows about and believes exists.
Joe gives in and talks to Crazy Ashley I. for advice/because she has a rose to spare. She suggests he try a cute line with S(h)am. “Hey, can we start over? I’m Joe.” He puts his own personal spin on it with, “I’m Joe, who are you, would you like to marry me or get murdered?” In the face of this romantic offer, his friend Justin shows up on the show and sits directly in front of Joe-ciopath.
Does Justin know that Joe likes S(h)am? Of course. Does Joe remind Justin of this and beg him to ask someone else out? Of course. Does Justin still ask S(h)am out? Obviously. S(h)amantha recognizes the problems this may cause, and offers Joe a clean slate. This means she’ll let him continue to love her and simmer on the back burner in case she needs him. So far, Nick, Justin, and Dan have all thrown their hats in the ring. Kentucky Joe-ciopath finally has enough volunteers to make into queen size skin sheets for his queen.
Oh, and Carly and Kirk drink on the beach and call it fishing.