Bachelor In Paradise 2, Episodes 7 & 8 You’re The One That Sucks

EPISODE 7

This episode is actually a personality quiz sponsored by Cosmopolitan Magazine. When you’re surrounded by desperate single people who are all DTF, and still no one wants you, do you:

A. Jump to the defense of another loser. If you stand up for her, you’ll look like a good person and get promoted from Loseringest Loser to Second Most Losery Person There.

B. Game the system. They want losers? I’ll give them losers. In fact, I’ll form Team Loser.

C. Threaten someone into loving you, and if that doesn’t work, probably go on a killing spree.

Did you answer A? You’re a JJ! We pick up with JJ yelling empty threats at Kentucky Joe-ciopath in Juelia’s defense. Everyone knows why, but because Bachelor In Paradise episodes last two days, Tenley or Clare (can you honestly tell the difference?) pops out from behind a fern demanding a recap.

Fern

Kentucky Joe-ciopath is busy telling Samantha she’s too good for him, so JJ is forced to find another way to redeem himself. New girl Megan hasn’t fulfilled her mercenary kissing quota with JJ, so he offers Juelia his rose. She says she may be a widowed single mom who got played on national tv while trying to fall in love on a reality show (again), but she’s not that desperate. Not JJ desperate. She’s Mikey desperate, which, to be fair, is actually way less sad on the Kirk (not)-Kentucky Joe (very) desperate scale.

Juelia answered “B” on the Cosmo quiz and asks Chris Harrison to bring Jersey Shore cast-off Mikey back for the chance at love he was denied (when she laughed in his face and chose Joe). Chris Harrison hates neither the player nor the game, so he’s obviously going to make this happen.

JJ is nothing if not persistent, however, and gives his rose to Crazy Eyes Ashley, who also absolutely does not want it. He then gives a dramatic speech about how he has to go home and pursue a girl he dumped in order to sleep with other women in Paradise. Oh JJ, we will miss you and your well-worn vocabulary flashcards. Hot tip- if you write the definitions on the back, you can also learn the big words’ meanings.

Now we’re down to the last rose. For some reason, everyone wants Dan to give his rose to Juelia, and not the girl he is dating (Amber). He thinks about it, which makes me think Amber has some strategic re-evaluating to do, but ultimately Dan picks Amber. Megan, Clare and Juelia are out. Clare delicately suggests she would do better as The Bachelorette before leaving. Sorry, Clare, you can’t switch answers from “A” to “B.” Juelia’s move pays off, though, and she is rescued by Mikey’s return. Of course, now Juelia has to date Mikey, but she’ll think about that tomorrow. Their’s is the celebrity name I’m most excited about- “Juelkey” captures both of their misspellings nicely, so I’m going with that.

Speaking of relationships that exist for no reason except to stay on the show, Everybody’s High School Ex-Boyfriend Jared pulls Crazy Ashley I. aside for a special romantic date to dump her on a bed on the beach. He had rationed their kisses to one every two days and didn’t touch or talk to her except to say they should see other people, but aside from that Jared gave her no warning. Crazy Ashley I. falls apart, and he mercifully lets her believe it’s because he is still into his ex-tv girlfriend, Kaitlyn. Jared spends the rest of the episode staring wistfully into the ocean posing for Facebook profile pics/planning how to proceed if a girl he likes shows up. Oh Crazy Ashley, don’t cry. You’re young, pretty and have a bright future as a spokesperson for whoever makes your truly incredible fake eyelash glue.

Meanwhile, some new guy named Nick rolls in for S(h)amantha. Like Kentucky Joe-ciopath, S(h)am communicated with Nick every day for two months prior to the show, but she declines his offer of a date to save face in front of everyone. He is baffled, but proceeds by asking out the only available girl who isn’t crying, Crazy Eyes Ashley. Unfortunately, they can’t go on their private island date because of a hurricane, so instead they get wasted and vomit “chemistry” into each other’s mouths.

Did you think I forgot? Kentucky Joe-ciopath picked “C” in the Cosmo quiz! He throws himself a birthday party, but must have made a mistake when he blew out his candle and accidentally wished to get dumped. Sorry, S(h)amantha just can’t handle the drama and lies.

Screen Shot 2015-08-26 at 12.57.29 AM

Oh, and Jade and Tanner get a date, make tequila and tell each other they’re almost in love. He kisses her shoulder until she falls asleep in their Fantasy Suite, and then masturbates to her Playboy video.

EPISODE 8

After getting dumped by Jared’s perfectly chiseled jaw, Crazy Ashley I. seeks out also recently dumped Kentucky Joe-ciopath to commiserate. He confesses he is unable to experience any emotion except for rage, and calls out, “Who’s getting your rose?” as she leaves, sobbing.

New couple by necessity, Juelkey, go to Guadalajara for a date. Everyone agrees that if there isn’t love on the show for someone with as much emotional baggage as Juelia, there’s no love for anyone. No love for anyone it is! Juelia is safe for the week, and gets the best date in the history of dates to a Mexican wrestling match. The price of admission is sitting on Mikey’s lap and accepting a no-sex Fantasy Suite afterwards.

The rest of the drama revolves around Kentucky Joe-ciopath’s totally reasonable ultimatum for S(h)amantha. Marry me and have my babies, or crash and burn. By crash and burn, Joe means he’ll show everyone the text she sent him (“Do whatever it takes to get a rose”), a text that everyone already knows about and believes exists.

Joe gives in and talks to Crazy Ashley I. for advice/because she has a rose to spare. She suggests he try a cute line with S(h)am. “Hey, can we start over? I’m Joe.” He puts his own personal spin on it with, “I’m Joe, who are you, would you like to marry me or get murdered?” In the face of this romantic offer, his friend Justin shows up on the show and sits directly in front of Joe-ciopath.

Screen Shot 2015-08-26 at 1.48.58 AMDoes Justin know that Joe likes S(h)am? Of course. Does Joe remind Justin of this and beg him to ask someone else out? Of course. Does Justin still ask S(h)am out? Obviously. S(h)amantha recognizes the problems this may cause, and offers Joe a clean slate. This means she’ll let him continue to love her and simmer on the back burner in case she needs him. So far, Nick, Justin, and Dan have all thrown their hats in the ring. Kentucky Joe-ciopath finally has enough volunteers to make into queen size skin sheets for his queen.

Oh, and Carly and Kirk drink on the beach and call it fishing.

Bachelor In Paradise 2, Episodes 5 & 6 Rose Before Bros

EPISODE 5

So I’ve got Clare totally wrong. She’s not some young naif who shacks up with a bunch of losers until her dream man molests her out of a drugged slumber (Snow White), nor is she the child raised in isolation until her dream man molests her out of a drugged slumber (Sleeping Beauty). She’s this guy:

Clare BeastClare runs out of the Rose Ceremony and she’s all, “My rose is down to its last sagging petals, and I have to entrust it to one of these clowns? Kidnapping a woman to make her fall in love with you used to mean something.”

Chris “Paid To Do It” Harrison follows her out and can barely conceal his look of contempt. After a good shaming, Beast Clare gives her rose to JJ, because whatever who cares. He looks as shocked as the rest of us that he’s still on the show. Nice Guy Jonathan, terrible at faking good intentions, goes home, and so do Michael and Mikey, also terrible at everything.

Juelia talks about how good a husband and father Evil Kentucky Joe would be, and everyone is apparently under a nondisclosure agreement to keep his intentions a secret from her. So of course this is the moment we meet Samantha, the girl of Joe’s dreams. Samantha rolls up in her favorite white crochet flare pants, determined to break her habit of dating bad men. She immediately asks Evil Kentucky Joe on a date.

I know we’re supposed to recognize them as The Villains, but can we just talk about how totally sad this is? Two people schemed before coming on the show that they would hook up and do whatever it took to stay together until they won. The prize for winning this show, by the way, is each other, so I can only assume Bachelor In Paradise is cheaper than a motel. For whatever reason, their devious plan to hook up and stay together must all be a secret. Leading on a widowed single mother and intimidating and manipulating Jonathan and Mikey was just for style points.

Samantha and Joe’s date is a sexy photo shoot for People Magazine that involves his erection and her smizing for her life. Now I see what they win. Kentucky Joe-ciopath gets h.j.s in the pool and S(h)am gets to jump-start a career in catalog modeling. This also explains the crochet pants.

When they return from their date, they rub it in Juelia’s face. Juelia cries to a crowd of sympathetic blondes while Welder Josh rubs her back. Jared, Josh, and JJ (worth double points in Scattergories!) all tell Joe to make things right with Juelia. Kentucky Joe-ciopath refuses to stop being an asshole. Prince Hans from Frozen? Honestly, watching this whole scenario play out touches a chord with me. It’s like they found my letters and read each one out loud. And by letters, I mean notes I passed with my friends in 7th grade. My biggest regret is that I cannot write this blog in gel pen.

We take a break from the drama and check in with the rest of the gang. They try to convince us that Beast Clare is Snow White or Sleeping Beauty again, when she calls her friend, the raccoon. What they’re not telling us is that the phone she’s on used to be her Lady’s Maid. Jade, who got stuck with Tanner in the beginning of the show when Ashley I. claimed Jared, offers that she is on a driveway leading to a dirt path that turns into the road towards love. Carly’s ready for Kirk’s d, but Kirk was determined not to commit his d to anyone so quickly. They will have to settle this soon- the Date Card arrives and everyone holds their breath while Welder Josh sounds out “Carly.”

Dan reveals that he is not up for Crazy Eyes Ashley’s crazy after all. He hasn’t dumped her, but that’s just because he hasn’t lined anyone else up yet. Now that we know Dan is ready for a new lifetime commitment, we meet Megan.

Megan is a ditsy Southern Belle from Chris Soules’ season. She asks a sombrero seller where Chris Harrison is and why New Mexico and Mexico have the same name. He says New Mexico was named for Mexico, and who is Chris Harrison? Wait, what??? You don’t know who Chris Harrison is? Also, we stole the name? Her vision of America’s pristine history is shattered. Copycatting- historically America’s greatest shame. Fortunately, Megan rebounds quickly. She confidently pulls off her dress, excited

Megan Pulls Off Dress

We go back and forth between Dan and Kirk, both laying the coward’s foundation to a breakup. They hem and haw about how quickly things moved and how nervous that makes them, and wait for the girl to say, “Is there a problem?” Crazy Eyes Ashley walks right into it (by addressing it like an adult), and asks if they’re breaking up. Now you are, Ashley! Carly plays it a little more carefully, jokingly begging him not to break her heart. This immobilizes Kirk long enough for Carly to call her brother, whose wedding she is missing to be in Paradise. Kirk says he wishes she were in Ireland at the wedding. Too late. Carly has spun her web of guilt securely around him, and can now bleed Kirk out at her leisure. She erupts in horny giggles. He accepts his fate gamely and they get a Fantasy Suite for the D Giving Out Ceremony.

Back at Paradise, JJ and Dan compete for new girl, Megan. JJ cheated on his wife, has a daughter he’s left for a few months now to be on these shows, and hasn’t worked in 3 years. Dan isn’t great, but I don’t think he’s done any of those things. Megan declares she’s uninterested in douchebags and being cheated on and…picks JJ. My Worth

Joe and Samantha lap at each other’s faces as publicly as possible. Everyone pities Juelia, which is totally fair. She is pretty much a Nicholas Sparks heroine stuck in the first half of the book. Hang in there, Juelia, you will get kissed in the rain!!! But first the widowed single mom calls her daughter, while Juelia’s friend gives her manipulative ex-boyfriend a hand jibber in the community pool.

For all that Joe’s done, there are some among you who may still be withholding judgment. But you have to hate Kentucky Joe for this at least: “We was like, just, what girls from your season do you know is gonna go?” Must you defile everything that touches your lips? Joe makes a little more sense when he asks what the difference is between him dumping Juelia right after securing a rose and Dan (and Kirk and Jared if he meets anyone else) doing it with their girlfriends too? Unfortunately, Kentucky Joe doesn’t speak English, so no one considers his point.

Once it’s clear that Kentucky Joe-ciopath won’t be apologizing, Juelia threatens to play her Girl Code card and guilt Samantha into a breakup by telling her about Joe’s maneuver. Juelia only wants to protect her friend, guys. This is not at all about revenge. Kentucky Joe-ciopath sees a future of grudgingly given handies taken away in an instant and the apologies come tumbling out of his filthy and depraved mouth. Too little, too late. Juelia leads S(h)am away to tattle. If she can’t go out with a bang, Juelia will gladly go out whimpering.

EPISODE 6

Juelia and Jade pull S(h)amantha aside to warn her off Kentucky Joe-ciopath. S(h)am would like Joe there for the talk so she can get one of the obligatory handies out of the way. That kills the conversation and leaves Jade and Juelia reviewing the bylaws of Girl Code. The new consensus around the house is that S(h)am is the bigger villain. “Me as a human being, I would never plot something before it happened, especially on a tv show,” she says in an interview. A rogue cameraman then catches S(h)am immediately sneaking off with Joe to plot on a tv show. She also didn’t really come across as totally human.

In much the same way as S(h)am, new arrival Amber shows up, ready to date her friend’s boyfriend, Dan. There are now 7 guys to 10 girls, leaving Juelia, Crazy Eyes Ashley and Clare alone and primed for meltdowns next week.

On Dan and Amber’s date they are followed by a crowd demanding that they fool around. Dan makes it totally clear that he was dating Amber’s friend up until he left for their date, and Amber says that’s fine. They make out and he passionately strokes her microphone. Cut from Ashley metaphorically getting pooped on to Ashley, covered in birds, actually getting pooped on.

Then we have a-fricking-nother confrontation with Joe, wherein JJ posits that Kentucky Joe-ciopath is an even shittier guy than he is.Vil of VillsNice try JJ. They both use words they don’t understand, and it ends with JJ bravely shouting that he wants to fight well after it’s clear that Joe is gone. The best part is watching the panic as Everyone’s High School Ex-Boyfriend Jared thinks for a second that they’ve found his poetry journal.

Jared Poetry

Don’t worry, he’s just talking about your integrity, Jared.

Your journal’s lock is unbroken,

Unlike the vows you and Kaitlyn had spoken.

Bachelor In Paradise 2, Episodes 3 & 4 Threat Level Negative Infinity

EPISODE 3

Last episode left off with Tenley, one of the dried up husks of eclipsing femininity this show bothers to call an “older woman.” Tenley made out with douche rag JJ immediately before the Rose Ceremony in order to secure his rose and another couple of weeks in the game. When this episode starts, Old Lady Tenley is triumphant. She earned that damn rose. She had to become a living Horcrux to do it-with an act so horrific it literally tore off a piece of her soul and attached her, like a parasite, to a weak and unimpressive host body-but she made it.

Crazy Ashley I.’s sister, Lauren, is safe too, but unimpressed with the available guys. The men are understandably insulted and the women don’t like to be reminded of their own compromises by a girl cast to play “the whore.” Luckily for them, she reveals that she is the mistress to an attached man back home. Technically, Dan says it’s only “mistress” if he’s married, otherwise it’s just ‘secret extra girlfriend.” In any case, now they can all judge her again. The only thing that could keep Lauren from leaving is if Joshua, the dim-witted welder, comes on the show. Enter Joshua the Dim-witted Welder. Crazy Ashley I. takes Josh aside to offer him a deal on her sister.

Lauren Sells SisterThen Lauren meets him and in two seconds tells Josh she prefers not to be tested for STDs and does he like aggressive girls? He passes her up and offers himself to Old Lady Tenley as alternate Horcrux Host.

Before we go any further, we need to make some sense of the sloppily established recurring theme. Some of these people, ABC insists, are actually the embodied spirits of fictional Disney cartoons! Crazy Ashley I. has dibs on Jasmine. She refers to Clare’s “woodland creatures” in the next episode, so that makes her Sleeping Beauty or Snow White. You know, one of the older princesses. Joshua is the blacksmith character that JJ declares has never ever in the history of Disney ever gotten the girl.

Will TurnerThat’s all I know for sure right now. Mikey may be something from Cars. With Joshua the Blacksmith Pirate pursuing Tenley The Rapidly Deteriorating Voldemort Horcrux, everything gets tense. JJ starts to get nervous. Jasmine yells cruel things to her pet tiger, Lauren, who goes home to the devil she knows. Tanner coaxes Tenley into rubbing her date with Joshua in JJ’s face. Close your eyes for a second- is Joshua voiced by Seth Rogan? Subconsciously, JJ knows his days are numbered and he starts using all his jokes at once. If we’re losing this villain, who will replace him? Drum roll….

Kentucky Joe joins the show! At first he’s the Belle of the Ball, preceded by his reputation as hilarious and southern. As everyone gets to know him, they are extremely disappointed. He is just southern. Carly finds him humorless, and Clare runs off when he sneers that she’s too old for this show. She cries to a raccoon. Again, that could be Princess Aurora or Snow White. Dan delivers *kiss of death* he never felt a connection with Joe. Even Crazy Ashley I. thinks he can barely piece together a sentence, which is really saying something. Then he confusingly asks Juelia on a date and then maybe takes it back?? Huh? Okay, Kentucky Joe is a jackass, but I can say from experience that this CAN TOTALLY HAPPEN. Turnabout, freshman year, I asked Sean something.or other to the Turnabout Dance. I think he says, maybe. I repeat, maybe? He hears, maybe. See???

Tenley and Josh go on their date and compare resumes and headshots. When they get back, JJ claims his turf. He tries to grab Old Lady Tenley back from Josh for a real one-on-one date. Presumably one that involves sex. She giggles, trying to stall for time. JJ eventually begs her to just say yes in front of his friends, which she does. They kiss and he goes to bed ‘excited’ while she goes back out to fool around with Joshua. Careful what you wish for, Tenley! Tonight, on a very special episode of Bachelor In Paradise, Josh is a drug addict!!! Josh is looking to score some Molly. Went to High School with a girl named Molly. Molly wanna doodle all day. Mikey and Dan break it to Old Lady Tenley that her new host body might be on a downward spiral, and she bursts into tears. She has exactly one working egg left for every month of filming and that is it, people. She cannot waste any more time locating a host. Fortunately, it turns out Josh is just a small town Idaho guy who likes The Hangover and went to Vegas once. Don’t worry, Tenley, these are the kinds of people who live forever.

The real villain, Joe, takes vulnerable single mom Juelia on a date and she is flattered to find out that he researched her. He already likes her and her kid. He is always kind of off, true, but he is probably just nervous. I’ve heard of this guy before.Dexter

He locks down Juelia’s rose in one date and Jonathan starts to pack his bags. Then we see sneaky footage of Evil Kentucky Joe talking trash about Juelia and farting. WRONG REASONS.

We take a “mind break” from this brewing drama and the JJ-Tenley-Josh triangle to establish the tension a Clare-Jared pairing could cause. Mikey is only just now realizing that Clare isn’t his girlfriend. Crazy Ashley I. isn’t having fun at this boy-girl party anymore either, and wants her mom to come pick her up. Mikey wants to leave! Clare wants to leave! Ashley I. wants to leave! But not really. Everyone will do pretty much anything to stay.

EPISODE 4

Clare and Jared go bungee jumping. Clare thinks she’s on a date. Jared thinks he’s there as her nurse. When they reconvene later that night, Jared tells Clare she’s amazing. And old. Mostly just old. He refills her pill organizer one last time and they go their separate ways. Back at the beach there’s a new schlub named Michael, here exclusively for she-who-cannot-be-named (Tenley). Mikey finally gets that Clare doesn’t like him and makes a play for Juelia. She offers him Backup Guy status by flirtatiously complimenting his eyes, but when he tries to kiss her she laughs in his face.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Juelia commits her vote to Evil Kentucky Joe in front of Chris Harrison, the other suitors, and God. Jonathan and Mikey, both desperate for a rose, take her aside to warn her away from Joe. She tells Evil Joe, and he is genuinely scary. He wants to bash their brains in. This is what Joe’s Netflix queue looks like:

  • American History X
  • Fight Club
  • Taxi Driver
  • Burning Yule Log
  • Apocalypse Now

Evil Kentucky Joe crushes Mikey and Jonathan, sees them driven before him, and listens to the lamentations of their woman. He makes them both apologize to Juelia while he plans further ways to humiliate them.

In keeping with the theme of desperation, Jared takes Crazy Ashley I. aside to say that he in no way commits himself past this Rose Ceremony, but can he be her boyfriend for the next few hours? He assures her he can pay, and they make out. Then Clare realizes she dumped Mikey before she knew she had a secure lock on Jared. She panics and decides to go on a tirade about the integrity of the show, a criticism Host Chris Harrison quickly shuts down.

Pull It TogetherCareful Clare. Your last few eggs are property of Bachelor In Paradise Props Division. They will want them back if you leave.

Bachelor In Paradise 2, Episodes 1 & 2 Inability To Conversate

EPISODE 1

Bachelor in Paradise, or as my husband put it, “Fuck City, but on the pretense that everyone’s gonna get married.” The intro leaves us in no doubt that these people deserve everything they’re going to get.

Who’s our first contestant? I’ll give you a hint.

Peekaboo Ashley

Peek-a-boo! It’s dizzy-for-Disney, Crazy Ashley I. (not to be confused with “Crazy Eyes” Ashley)! The producers told her she could come along if she brought her more experienced sister, Dottie, who got her into this league, goddammit! For the record, Crazy Ashley I. likes Everyone’s High School Ex-Boyfriend Jared, who was dumped a month earlier by last season’s Bachelorette, Kaitlyn. He would like everyone to know he’s fine, and is in no way still really messed up about it.

Better Off Dead

Captain Anonymous from last season’s Bachelorette is a favorite among the ladies, forcing me to finally learn his name. He reads us his casting breakdown: “Tanner:  From Kansas City. Normal. A decent catch.” It confirms everything any woman has ever thought about this cardboard cutout of a man. He’s okayish. He’ll suffice. Tanner likes Jade, the sweet and beautiful Playboy model that is in no way every man’s type, living and dead.

Also in the cast is Jillian. Previously known for her butt, she also would like to be known for her new breasts. Dan the Libra has a pet beagle and runs in slow motion. Someone named Juelia [sic], who all the girls like, has a daughter that would like Kirk to be her new daddy. An extremely intense woman named Tenley is here to win, and if that requires boiling a pet rabbit, so be it.

Jade and Jared are the first to arrive on set, establishing them as the Hot Commodities. Jared can’t wait to date someone he can compare to his ex. Contestants Jade, Carly, Tenley, Clare, Crazy Ashley I. and her a-hymenal sister, Lauren will all volunteer for the challenge this episode. Jonathan and Mikey arrive. Jonathan meets the sisters and lets us know he’s into both incest and virgins. We’re all rooting for you, Jonathan! May you find love. We meet Mikey, the guy from college who always finds a reason to take his shirt off at the bar. J/K(about the college part). He’s into Lauren until she makes it really clear she’d rather go home than hook up with him. It’s already been established that Lauren is a give-the-milk-away-for-free type of gal, though, so other women feel threatened and show her the kind of pity reserved for outgoing, sexually available women.

Jade Threatened

Definitely. Kirk comes on next, and together with Jared and Tanner, he forms the triumvirate of desired men. Kirk notices that the bartender knows their names, but doesn’t make the connection that he’s a planted member of the production staff. Everyone approves of Jillian’s breasts and disapproves of JJ. Crazy Eyes Ashley/Courtney Thorne-Smith crazies her crazies with some birds.

Amidst the insanity, our positively gleeful host Chris Harrison gathers everyone to officially kick off a show that’s “just about love.” And cold-hearted elimination.  The men will choose who stays while the women focus on getting on each other’s cycles. Just kidding- I suspect getting your period is a huge disadvantage on this show. While most of the girls need a rose to stay on the show, the sisters are BOGO- one rose saves both women. There will be further markdowns as the season continues.

Then we find out two previous contestants named Marcus and Lacy are getting married! Right now!! With only five guests in addition to the contestants/strangers!! These family-less, friendless people are married on set by Chris Harrison, Scientology Minister. Lacy says the phrase “sacred covenant” and I snort my water onto my shirt. Let’s hope the five wedding guests that the newlyweds actually know hit it off with someone, or they’ll be sent home before cake. This wedding is as legit as when Uncle Jesse’s cousin walks DJ around the kitchen table three times to Greek-marry her (an absolutely real Greek custom).

Then everyone gets drunk and says woohoo! Woohoo!! Back to the show.

Lauren cries because she hates all the guys here and doesn’t want to have to bone them. I suspect she’ll adjust her standards after she accepts the LImited QUantity Of Real options.

Carly and Kirk circle each other and compare unnaturally small features before then rubbing them together. Afterwards, their kiss and tell plays out like the opening song in Grease.

Crazy Ashley has been struck dumb by nerves around her crush, Everyone’s Ex Boyfriend Jared, but finally works up the courage to tell him her favorite Disney princess (Jasmine, obvi!). After this deep confidence, she thinks he’ll invite her to ride his carpet, but instead he asks Jade out for a walk. What is going on?? she wonders. Ashley has done everything Cosmopolitan told her to do and it’s STILL not working.

She gets the first date card, decides to try Cosmo Tip To Finding Love #19: You take the reigns! You’re an empowered woman. Ask out that cute guy you’ve been eyeing for a wild off-roading adventure. Show him your dirty side! Jared graciously accepts. He’s a Scorpio and she’s a Pisces, so it just makes horoscopically statistical sense.

Jade gets the next date card, and with Jared claimed by Crazy Ashley I., Jade reconsiders her options. She asks out Tanner, a move Crazy Ashley I. dismissed as “The most demoralizing thing ever.” He is thrilled to be the guy she picked to make Jared jealous. On their date, he asks her to describe herself as a little girl, and then they slender dip.

Dan notices that Crazy Eyes Ashley is weakened and on a stretcher, and makes his move to pick off the injured member of the pack. Carly is thrilled to be with Kirk, and then…Clare. I don’t know who this is. But Chris Harrison evil laughs when he sees her and then she gets a date card, so apparently she is going to make as least Crazy Ashley cry.

EPISODE 2

Let’s just acknowledge how incredibly amazing the intro number was. It was pure Saved By the Bell at the Malibu Sands Beach Club.

We pick right up where we left off with Clare, the surprise new girl who has a date card and causes actual real life lightning. Clare, Mistress of the Elements! Unfortunately for her, everyone is paired up except for Mikey and JJ. These are not ideal options, so she creeps on people’s convos and relashies trying to find anyone else to steal. Mikey, freshly rejected by “I’ll do anyone!” Lauren, hopes to win a date with “I’ll do anything!” Clare. He asks her to take him out, and she makes it clear she really doesn’t want to. He begs and she reluctantly agrees. They walk in on a baffling scene of two people yoga-screwing, but fortunately Clare speaks Cultural Appropriation.

Cultural Appropriation

Mikey enthusiastically drips sweat on Clare’s “privies” while she wretches into her mouth. Pukies! He says he likes her. She says never ever ever. Not ever. Yuck. Never. He thinks they’re together.

Cut to Tenley. She is apparently running out of time at the dried up old age of 31. She makes a play for Jared, who is thrilled to talk to anyone that isn’t Ashley. Crazy Ashley panics and decides getting drunk is the only way to compete with desperate old ladies like Tenley. But Ashley, it may be her last chance to have a child!

Last chanceCrazy Ashley I. drunkenly tells Jared that she feels insecure, and he basically says, “with good reason.” She cries to her sister, who comforts her by listing all the women with breast implants.

The women are running out of time, but Jillian feels secure. Oh Jillian. The last time she dragged herself through the mud to secure a rose, Chris Soules dumped her. Unfortunately, history repeats itself and she spends a day making out with JJ for his rose. JJ realizes he’s not long for this show, and makes it clear that his vote will go to the highest bidder. Jillian volunteers that she likes him a little as a person. Old Lady Tenley counters that JJ can touch her legs and they can kiss. Going, going, gone! To Old Lady Tenley for a leg grope.

Jared takes Clare aside to tell her he ranks her at least above Crazy Ashley. If no one else gives Clare a rose, he will. However Mikey, who still doesn’t fucking get it, lays claim to Clare. Jared saves Crazy Ashley and her discounted sister, who together equal one real person, and Tenley scratches her obedient puppy behind the ears for saving her and eliminating Jillian.

Good Dog