Bachelorette 12, Episode 1 Mojo for JoJo

JoJo begins her quest for someone hotter than Ben with a Bachelorette Alumnae Advice Session that can be distilled into: Play hard to get, and Don’t sleep with Nick Viall.

Cut to the MANsion. Our girl rolls up very hubba hubba in her glittery gown and gamely meets the two dozen men selected for the most dramatic season of Sociopath Roulette, yet!

The first potential restraining order is Jordan Rodgers, a retired pro quarterback who later scores a “now that’s a kiss” kiss with JoJo AND the first impression rose. Let’s call him Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother from now on. Next comes Derek. Derek is not a retired pro quarterback. Then Firefighter Grant takes his first moments with JoJo to promise he will fall in love with her, and not a hypothetical second woman, like Lauren B. or Britt. Britt isn’t here, is she? One of the Jameses says he’s here for the right reasons. Robby, a guy who dresses up as Scorcese characters every Halloween, mocks JoJo’s mom with an offer to bottle pull some wine. JoJo smiles and takes the drink, but I hope she’s just biding her time before she destroys him. Next up, U.S. Marine Alex. Then Will, the civil engineer with a Catskills sense of humor. A dude named Chad trolls JoJo just by being here. Daniel the Canadian is dumbfounded that his “Damn, JoJo” line fell flat, but is willing to work with JoJo.

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He could have been just as successful yelling, “Meme!” at her from the limo.

Next we have Ali, the wide eyed surfer/bartender whose whole family is higher achieving than he is. Hey, just like that Rodgers kid! Next, JoJo is serenaded by Adorable McNoChance, James Taylor from Texas. This roster of dudes is like a bargain dress up bin for boys. For every Fireman or Cowboy there are three Burlap Sacks. Which reminds me, Jon, who is half Scottish and half Chinese, shows up in a kilt. He assures JoJo he’s “Scottish below the waist.” I know this sounds really insulting to Chinese guys, but that’s just because it is. JoJo doesn’t get it. Is his top half facing a shortage of women? Did his dick vote No? If this lineup of dudes is triggering cold shivers and a heightened sense of stranger danger, then it should come as no surprise when mall Santa arrives. Easy, JoJo, he is married.

After this big push, the limos return to shudder out the afterbirth. A couple of mustache puns from mustache guy, blue balls puns from blue balls guy, a real estate pun from real estate guy, and then Hipster. Hipster doesn’t know how he got here, but he’d like to stay. Another James, this one a Bachelor “Superfan.” Then Nick-Does-The-Splits, toast guy with the toast pun, Man Crush Monday, pastor-cum-erectile dysfunction clinic manager, and then,  and then…euphoria sets in:

Wells the radio DJ emerges from the limo, followed by R&B group All 4 One singing “I Swear.” I swear. Wells the radio DJ could be anyone, doesn’t matter. I’m all in. Going into this, Hipster didn’t feel threatened by any of these jocks, obsequious devotees to traditional masculine ideals. Hipster is really intimidated, however, by the a capella guys. After they clear out, Christian the Telecom Consultant blazes in on his motorcycle, a man who is raising his two brothers alone and wakes up at 3 AM to ninja. Last to arrive is Luke, the Texan ex-military man atop a real live unicorn. If you consider the myth that unicorns only approach virgins, JoJo wearing a severed unicorn head to meet Ben last season was pretty badass. Inside the MANsion, the men voice their approval of JoJo, too. “Not crazy and all hot.” “A 10 out of 10 out of 10 out of 10.” Or, 0.01.

Now that the party has started, Alex the U.S. Marine takes her aside first. JoJo squats over him while he does pushups, the bare minimum expected of a contestant. “You better be able to do a push-up with a girl sitting on you,” confirms Chad. Derek/Jim from the Office tells JoJo he’s more of a nerd. She asks if that means he’s super smart. Uh, no. Apparently he just meant in the “not accepted by his peers” sense of the word. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother goes off script and asks JoJo how she’s doing. Bold move. He alludes to his career in football, but plays it down for now. This guy is going to be around a while.

JoJo boxes with a boxing guy, technically kisses some dude named Will (soon to be Won’t), and then Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother comes back for comparatively better kisses. Through all this, loyal friends All 4 One continue to back up DJ Wells. If they sing “I Can Love You Like That,” I will slide right off of this couch. In Chad’s private interviews, his assholery comes out and we learn his name is actually pronounced with a long “o.” Drunk Canadian Daniel walks us through his “damn JoJo” pickup line writing process, then dives into a pool. Hipster gets the last laugh:

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Drunks Nick S. and Vinny interrupt JoJo’s interview with chilled lemon water and an assurance she won’t have to beg for love on a bathroom floor, respectively. Black sheep Ali plays JoJo Für Elise, and back home his parents wring their hands over the money they threw away on piano lessons so Ali could seduce women. Luke brings JoJo cowboy boots and charms her with his intensity. I really hope I’m only getting Kentucky Joe vibes because of the dead eyes, Dep, and drawl.

At the Rose Ceremony, contestants that identified as “Bachelor fans” fulfill their purpose and mutter, “That’s Jake Pavelka” when Jake Pavelka shows up to waste our time. After a creepy advice session where he tells JoJo it’s her job to fall in love and warns her not to put up walls, the eliminations really begin. Front runners are Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, Luke, DJ Wells, and sweet baby James. Everyone else is everyone else.