Bachelorette 11, Episode 7 Fake ‘N Wake

Inspired by Kaitlyn’s totally unironic toast to honesty, this week’s episode opens with Ian’s moment of truth. He is deep. She and the other guys are not. He went to Princeton, and they enjoy poop and fart jokes. I’m surprised he thinks these things are mutually exclusive, because I minored in Menstruation at Vassar. Once he realizes that his “shame her into a deep connection” strategy isn’t working, he switches to “I choose to leave the show” and gives his Bachelor audition in the backseat of the loser car, providing all sorts of unflattering soundbites. He can’t be that smart if he didn’t anticipate how that video was going to be used.

Kaitlyn is left alone, fuming and insulted. Nick smells vulnerability and heads upstairs to comfort her. Chris Harrison also checks in with her before the rose ceremony, albeit with no thigh groping. It’s funny that he hosts a wake this episode, because I’ve always thought Chris Harrison would make a great funeral director. Quiet but attentive, quick with a tissue, and he can recommend a florist.

The Rose Ceremony:  We’re going to be down to 9 men. This guy is confident his name will be called:

Random Confident GuyI kind of hope so, so I can finally learn it. Unfortunately, he and Joshua the Welder get cut. Oh Joshua, my heart aches for you. While Joshua cries, everyone who’s safe cheers over the news that they are going to Dublin. According to Cupcake Chris, Kaitlyn is the “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.” And he is the creepy little man in green who won’t leave her alone.

Nick gets the 1 on 1 date – a walk in the park and dinner in a church, as one does. JJ hopes Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling has his “screaming pillow,” into which he can release his frustrations. This is apparently an item JJ travels with. While in the park, the intern in charge of birds herds Kaitlyn into Nick’s arms, and the whole time he wears a “this is too easy” expression.

Bird Date

They make out in a church, and Kaitlyn invites him and the entire crew up to her hotel suite to fool around. When they move Nick’s “rock solid connection” from the living room into her bedroom and shut the door, everyone but the boom operator takes their coffee break and we are meant to believe they had sex.

The next morning, Chris Harrison delivers the following riddle to the guys selected for the Group Date:

Nine fine men in Dublin she met

To fall in love her heart she let

But what you don’t knowses

There are no more roses

’cause here lies our Bachelorette.

Whoever figures out the riddle, or the grammatical structure of the second line, wins Precious.

The Group Date is a wake. Kaitlyn Tom Sawyers, lying in a coffin listening in on her flattering eulogies. For the record, none of her little Becky Thatchers know that Nick white-washed her fence the night before. The date plays out well. Tanner reminds us of his name (thanks Tanner!), Ben Z. experiences the date as exposure therapy to process his mom’s death, and Jared reveals that he is everyone’s high school boyfriend. His facial hair hasn’t fully come in yet, he writes terrible poetry, and then you pin a boutonniere on him and slow dance to The Cranberries.

In a preview for next week’s episode, Jared’s selection as the date favorite freaks Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling out, lots of dudes cry, and Britt and Brady are still LA as fuck.

Britt and Brady

Bachelorette 11, Episode 6 Pick One of the Lames

If anyone you know plays a Bachelorette drinking game involving “the right reasons” or “a connection,” they are now dead.

Most of this episode is frittered away on Nick. Nick’s arrival to a room full of men, all sitting together facing an empty couch. Nick’s cool evasion of the fact that he’s dated three Bachelorettes. Nick’s assortment of shirts that I wore to Phantom Ranch Camp in ’96. You know how there are still a few guys whose name you haven’t learned? One of them interrogates Nick to find out if he’s there for the right reasons. DRINK! This is Anonymous Guy’s big chance to make an impression on us, but he is overshadowed by Welder Joshua, who keeps interrupting. You say Kaitlyn is a cool chick…would you also call her an amazing woman? Well? Which one is it??? See, when you get a room full of men together who all model themselves on Matthew McConaughey, you are going to get a lot of lawyer impressions. Also, hair product and eventually these pants:

McConaughey Pants

Nick stresses that he’s there because he felt a connection (DRINK!), and we move on.

The rose ceremony is held at Citi Field, and JJ finally gets to third base with someone. Guys that no one roots for go home, and everyone else relocates to San Antonio. Kaitlyn’s always wanted to go there! Seriously? Who has always wanted to go to San Antonio? Maybe people from the suburbs of San Antonio.

Once there, Kaitlyn has a 1 on 1 date at a two-stepping dance competition with AdoraBen, the best option for next season’s The Bachelor. AdoraBen spends a lot of time biting his lip, but I give it a pass because longtime two-step dancer/cutest old lady on the planet believes in love:

Cute Old Lady

I firmly believe this woman was knit into life by a family of playful kittens. AdoraBen’s and Kaitlyn’s date is sweet and unremarkable. They have dinner together and talk past relationships, and she makes clear that he has until dessert to open up to her. He does and she rewards him with a rose and her first creepy “That makes me happy” of the night. They have a connection. DRINK!

On the Group Date:
The men are made to embarrass themselves performing as Mariachi singers, and they roll in looking like the final fight in Three Amigos.

3 Amigos

One of the anonymous guys’ terrible imitation of a Mexican singer is actually a terrible impression of an Italian singer. Kentucky Joe asks her to Mariachi him and he gets a kiss. Ian blows his performance, and in his interview afterwards resembles Sarah Michelle Gellar falling apart at the end of Cruel Intentions. Nick leads Kaitlyn away from the other men to a balcony and sings about his erection, because he and Brady are the only ones who realize that the show’s rules are made up.

Welder Josh still doesn’t like Nick. Unfortunately, after Josh lets Kaitlyn cut his hair, she has a hard time trusting his judgment. What is Kaitlyn supposed to go on? Oh right,

Guy Intuition

And just what is so wrong with this guy?

Joshua's Haircut

Poor Welder Josh tells her no one likes Nick, and she goes out of her way trying to catch Josh out as a liar. So everyone’s lying to me? I’m a fricking idiot? Josh is now watching this from outside of his body. Jared and JJ and Ben Z. all throw him under the bus, and Josh prays that his haircut is a Get Out of Jail Free card. Nick gets a rose, and then Kaitlyn goes on a 1 on 1 date with Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, aka her actual boyfriend.

They kayak. They touch hands a lot. He almost got killed in a car crash, so even though all the previews indicate that we’re losing Car Crash Ian, we get a second chance at a second-chance-at-life storyline. And Poor Man’s Gosling is falling in love with her. “That makes me really happy.” She’s always felt a connection with him. DRINK!

Back at the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn toasts to honesty without spontaneously bursting into flames. She takes Terrible Facial Hair Jared to her bedroom to roll on a bed of rose petals (how Bachelorettes sleep), and he reveals that he is falling in love with her. “That makes me really happy.” Marry him, Kaitlyn, and you will get homemade coupons for hugs and foot rubs every anniversary.

And then what we’ve all been waiting for. Ian takes her aside to tell her she’s a whore and he could do better. Actually, it’s very carefully edited to sound that way.  In reality, he tells her she’s a whore and then they cut in drunken soundbites of him saying he could do better. They have no connection. DRINK!

Bachelorette 11, Episode 5 Brokeback Volcano

Kaitlyn sends home Clint, guilty of “villing.” Kaitlyn can’t actually point to what he did wrong to her except piss off a lot of other guys, but whatever his sin, she did the right thing. You do not want babies with Clint’s facial girth coming out of your vagina.

The drama comes when Clint’s best friend, JJ, panics that he’s going to go home next, guilty by association/common sense. He demands a public apology from Clint, and Clint counteroffers murder. Threatening to kill JJ is serious, but not as serious as his parting words: “Hey, that tie goes really good with your shirt.” JJ cries in a bush. He loves that tie.

We relocate to New York City, and Kaitlyn takes Group Date 1 guys to participate in a rap battle with Doug E. Fresh. This is to determine how civil they will be during the divorce proceedings.  Nothing remarkable happens until the contest is over, and the runner up from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette shows up and throws his hat in the ring. Nick Viall, just casually hanging out at an amateur rap battle with former Bachelor contestant Ashley I. To review,

  1. Nick’s claim to fame is asking Andi during an interview why she slept with him but didn’t choose him.
  2. His last name is basically VILE.
  3. He looks like Spencer Pratt.

RED FUCKING FLAGS, KAITLYN!!! She meets with him after a hair appointment for her 1 on 1 date with Gross Facial Hair Jared, and I have to take a moment to express my dismay. Maybe you felt it, too.

Are we to simply accept that the Ashley “I wanted the Disney date!” I. from the rap battle night magically became Crazy Eyes Ashley S. in the morning? And that Crazy Eyes Ashley (who is actually a hair stylist) put Kaitlyn’s hair into a sloppy side braid for her formal date at the Met, an enchanted braid that somehow morphed into a sleek half-up do at dinner? What is this ABC, some kind of game to you???? The only thing not manufactured about this is that Kaitlyn probably is only allowed Bachelorette-approved friends. She knows how new queen Ann Boleyn felt, meeting her ladies in waiting.  Oh great, you bitches again.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and Terrible Facial Hair Jared eat at an Egyptian temple exhibit at the Met, he reads her a poem, and then they end their date on a helicopter ride. Shall we fuck/marry/kill this date? If it were up to me, I’d marry the Egyptian temple dinner, kill the poem, fuck the helicopter ride.  P.S.You guys were eating dinner at the Temple of Dendur there at the Met, which I’m pretty sure makes you worshipers of Isis.  Definitely don’t mention that before getting on the helicopter.

On Group Date #2 a bunch of the guys audition for a bit part in Aladdin on Broadway. The winner, as Josh the Welder puts it, will “get beat up when [he gets] home.” A couple guys do fine. Josh the Welder struggles. Joe is looking more and more like Wilson from Castaway. Joe WilsonIan is a decent singer, but no one can match Chris the Dentist’s enthusiasm. I’m pretty sure he brought his own Aladdin costume (“I was supposed to get the Disney Date!”). When the date ends, they share a kiss next to the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square, and it is undeniable that Kaitlyn and Chris have all the sexual chemistry of a real life Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel.

We leave the episode with a teaser of Nick’s arrival in the MANsion, which while they’re traveling is more of a SCRotel. And are Britt and Brady still together??? Is money green? All of their clips look like tampon commercials. May we all find someone as absorbent as Brady.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 4 If The Eyepatch Fits

There’s plenty of drama this episode, but none of the subtle, tasteful smut I really crave from The Bachelorette. We’re still in the beginning of the season, ploddingly narrowing down the cast a couple obvious crazies at a time. If this were Top Chef, there would still be cruise ship chefs on the show.

Kupah kicks things off by yelling that he just wants to get the requisite exit interview bullshit over with. He does not graciously cry in the back of the limousine, accepting a tissue from the polite but suddenly aloof Chris Harrison.  No, he makes a scene and is painfully aware that he will appear way more out of control in his edit. And man does The Bachelorette oblige. They even play ABC’s version of Wagner in the background (I keep hearing Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall-“It’s just tones. Dark, ominous tones.”). Someone with a graduate degree in music composition wrote that. But I digress.

This whole segment goes on too long. Kaitlyn tells Kupah to just go already, and Kupah embarrasses himself just a little bit more. Kaitlyn feels a lot of feelings (two), and we go on to the rose ceremony.

Bisgusting Facial Hair Jared gets the coveted “first rose,” which the notes feature on my phone tellingly auto-corrects to “fear rise.” Tony gives us a nice little soundbite about his “Gypsy Soul,” and Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling is still in the clear. Unfortunately, we say goodbye to Hungry Edward Norton and some other guy who left zero impression on me.

The men on Group Date #1 honor the ancient sport of sumo by wrapping mawashis around (part of) their junk. Joe especially rocks the one ball in the breeze look, but has decided to play it cool with the “Yeah, I meant to leave out a testicle” approach. JJ is excited about this date, not just because of the scrotal element, but because he loves Japanese culture! Well, he loves sushi. Really just Sake bombs. JJ may not know a ton about Japan, but I’m sure he would love the hell out of the shit he could find in niche Japanese vending machines. Used panties? Pre-gargled milk? Yesplease!

Tony the Healer brags to the camera that he is going to obliterate the World Champion sumo wrestler he’s pitted against, and comes out hands-a-slapping. The onlookers giggle and he is embarrassed, which shows surprising self-awareness. With his mawashi, topknot and temper tantrum, he looks like he’s into baby cosplay. Interested, JJ? Tony tries to spin his flop as the result of being too evolved for The Bachelorette, and leaves the show spewing the kind of platitudes SkyMall will engrave in a bench for you.

Chris Harrison, the creepiest yenta ever, sends Kaitlyn and Ben “The Juggernaut” Z. on a 1 on 1 date in a dank basement, filled with dead vermin, a clogged toilet and a tattered photo of Britt. So Brady’s house, basically. Escape requires Ben sticking his hand in the aforementioned toilet (and apparently never washing it), Kaitlyn irrationally crying about birds, the animal tattooed all over her arms, and the unscrambling of the secret password- ROSES- which if we’re really going with the brand should have been SORES. Afterwards, Kaitlyn, Ben Z. and Ben’s filthy hand curl up together at her place. He tells her he hasn’t expressed emotion since his mom died when he was young. She asks if she could change him.  He says definitely.

On Group Date #2, the selected men gather to teach sex ed to a classroom full of child actors. I imagine these kids back in the green room, smoking their Luckys and laughing at how little Joshua knows about non-cow vagina. Other Ben, the one with the clean hands, shines on this date. He puts Kaitlyn at the front of the classroom, playing her own eggs. From the back of the classroom, Other Ben, playing his own sperm, ejaculates forward to fertilize Kaitlyn, and they make their way off into the sunset/Kaitlyn’s uterus for implantation.

That evening at the pre-elimination cocktail party, Clint, who has spent this episode doing his best impression of Gaston, tries to undo some of the damage of his “act like a dick” approach to courtship by confessing he was scared and insecure. This is apparently a real thing that people say. Kaitlyn buys it at first, but unfortunately for Clint, “Snitches get stitches” is only a rule on The Bachelor. All the guys turn on Clint and JJ for their crappy behavior, and rat them out to Kaitlyn. Tune back next week, because you don’t have the willpower to resist.