Inspired by Kaitlyn’s totally unironic toast to honesty, this week’s episode opens with Ian’s moment of truth. He is deep. She and the other guys are not. He went to Princeton, and they enjoy poop and fart jokes. I’m surprised he thinks these things are mutually exclusive, because I minored in Menstruation at Vassar. Once he realizes that his “shame her into a deep connection” strategy isn’t working, he switches to “I choose to leave the show” and gives his Bachelor audition in the backseat of the loser car, providing all sorts of unflattering soundbites. He can’t be that smart if he didn’t anticipate how that video was going to be used.
Kaitlyn is left alone, fuming and insulted. Nick smells vulnerability and heads upstairs to comfort her. Chris Harrison also checks in with her before the rose ceremony, albeit with no thigh groping. It’s funny that he hosts a wake this episode, because I’ve always thought Chris Harrison would make a great funeral director. Quiet but attentive, quick with a tissue, and he can recommend a florist.
The Rose Ceremony: We’re going to be down to 9 men. This guy is confident his name will be called:
I kind of hope so, so I can finally learn it. Unfortunately, he and Joshua the Welder get cut. Oh Joshua, my heart aches for you. While Joshua cries, everyone who’s safe cheers over the news that they are going to Dublin. According to Cupcake Chris, Kaitlyn is the “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.” And he is the creepy little man in green who won’t leave her alone.
Nick gets the 1 on 1 date – a walk in the park and dinner in a church, as one does. JJ hopes Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling has his “screaming pillow,” into which he can release his frustrations. This is apparently an item JJ travels with. While in the park, the intern in charge of birds herds Kaitlyn into Nick’s arms, and the whole time he wears a “this is too easy” expression.
They make out in a church, and Kaitlyn invites him and the entire crew up to her hotel suite to fool around. When they move Nick’s “rock solid connection” from the living room into her bedroom and shut the door, everyone but the boom operator takes their coffee break and we are meant to believe they had sex.
The next morning, Chris Harrison delivers the following riddle to the guys selected for the Group Date:
Nine fine men in Dublin she met
To fall in love her heart she let
But what you don’t knowses
There are no more roses
’cause here lies our Bachelorette.
Whoever figures out the riddle, or the grammatical structure of the second line, wins Precious.
The Group Date is a wake. Kaitlyn Tom Sawyers, lying in a coffin listening in on her flattering eulogies. For the record, none of her little Becky Thatchers know that Nick white-washed her fence the night before. The date plays out well. Tanner reminds us of his name (thanks Tanner!), Ben Z. experiences the date as exposure therapy to process his mom’s death, and Jared reveals that he is everyone’s high school boyfriend. His facial hair hasn’t fully come in yet, he writes terrible poetry, and then you pin a boutonniere on him and slow dance to The Cranberries.
In a preview for next week’s episode, Jared’s selection as the date favorite freaks Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling out, lots of dudes cry, and Britt and Brady are still LA as fuck.