Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 7 Struggle Bus

Vinny and Izzy break up over Lamp. Vinny leaves the show, and his raw man pain affects everyone. Evan expresses sympathy, though I doubt he really respects any man who can’t con a woman into liking him. The cast pulls funeral faces, collectively mourning a relationship of three weeks, predicated on tequila and required bathing suit time.

Then we welcome back newlyweds Jade and Tanner, a Bachelor In Paradise success story that began when Ashley called dibs on Jared, forcing Jade to date her second choice. They return because ABC owns them, and they are quickly put to work evaluating the couples to determine who should win a bonus date.

This is how Tanner sums up the couples: Evan likes Carly, and she is trying her best to like him back. Lace hasn’t said I love you back to Grant, which is a concern. Josh is a crazy person with an ulterior motive. Nick should let himself get hurt again. Lastly, Tanner thinks his friend, Everyone’s Boyfriend, has earned a Caila. In a move surprising no one, Tanner’s friend and Caila win the date! After agreeing that Ashley is holding them back, they strip to their underwear and fool around knee deep in a stream.

The next day, Carly tells us Evan is asexual, only to have Twins, in coordinating rompers, announce that Evan has a Sweat Lodge Date Card. Evan escorts Carly to a confined area, dehydrates her, and the men overseeing this ritual profess to see hearts in the steaming rocks. Carly and Evan make out, and she is one of several women that compliments Evan by saying she is surprised to like him at all.

Meanwhile, Ashley details all the ways she is manipulating Everybody’s Boyfriend into distrusting Caila. Everyone’s Boyfriend mentions to Caila some insecurities that Ashley planted, which forces the women into a confrontation. Everybody’s Boyfriend is thrilled.

Caila has been tricked into a bidding war over someone she “70% likes,” and Ashley is the wingman you didn’t know you needed.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 6 I Can’t Compete With A Cake

Ashley I. sobs uncontrollably to Everybody’s Boyfriend, the gray lump of clay onto whom she’s projected a personality. She waxes on about his supposed character traits and implores him to love her back, begging when she should be negging.

Everybody’s Boyfriend stares at his lap and suggests that this was not the best place for her to get over him. He picks Caila. Caila is another gray lump of clay, with the hair of a goddess and the sexual energy of a wild cat, if you’re into fucking wild cats. He picked Caila before he met her, he picks her now, and will continue to pick Caila in a couple weeks when she’s dating someone else.

Everyone’s Boyfriend takes Caila aside to assure her of his devotion. Caila is just now realizing that the cost of beating another woman to a guy is actually being with that guy. Everyone’s Boyfriend kisses her, and she replies, “Well, I’m glad that you feel good, and appreciate your time.” Caila thinks her real purpose here is to help Ashley move on, just like that train did for Anna Karenina.

Then Carly tells Evan, an unwanted erection lasting more than four hours, that maybe she’s the one with the dysfunction. They kiss, and the unfunny prequel to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is born.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, Daniel is the man with a rose to spare. Sarah offers him a homemade half birthday cake and Scary Twin offers him Weak Twin. Ashley I. just drips mucus and mulls Daniel’s advice to sleep with people in increments of ten until one loves her. At the Rose Ceremony, Daniel chooses Twins, who are like the parasitic demon from Fallen that will survive as long as there’s a living host nearby.

Sarah goes home, and Ashley doesn’t. Ashley was born for this show, and will go home whenever she wants. She declares that she is ready to move on from Everybody’s Boyfriend, and asks the group if she can come back. Of course she can.

The power is back with the women now, and new dudes with date cards Carl and Brett come on to tempt them away. No one can remember Carl’s name, including Carly,

but Twin is into him anyway, and he offers her one half of a double date. Brett brings a lamp on the show with him, a remember-me-gimmick for a deeply unmemorable man. Upon seeing Lamp, Izzy’s vagina explodes. Unfortunately for her, Lamp is a hairstylist, and favors mermaid-haired lump of clay, Caila. CaiLump is a Stepford Girlfriend with her switch set to yes, and agrees to date Lamp. Then agrees to stay back with Everybody’s Boyfriend, then agrees to the Lamp date again. Then she publicly declines the date, then privately accepts. Then says no again. Then yes. She’s yessing to Lamp when the date leaves, so Lump ends up on the double date after all.

Dejected, Everybody’s Boyfriend worries that he is too picky, and is consoled by Carly, who is not even remotely picky. On their Booze Cruise double date, Twin and Carl hit it off, but Caila isn’t into Lamp. With his main dish away, Everybody’s Boyfriend turns up the heat on his back burner. He tells Ashley he cried over her, and really wants her here. Newly emboldened, she calls Caila a back-stabbing whore, immediately before Caila returns from her date. Caila tells Everybody’s Boyfriend that she doesn’t like Lamp, without saying that she does like him. Close enough.

Then some guy named Ryan comes on the show. He promises to be the “normal” guy on B In P, so Everybody’s Boyfriend is willing to see him turned into a fine, pink mist.

He convinces Ryan to consider Ashley, but Ryan ends up going with Other Twin. She changes into lingerie and talks in a baby voice to horses. Ryan looks past all this, because why not?

Grant steals Lace away for a surprise couples massage. Marry him, Lace. Relaxing in the hot tub afterwards, he tells Lace that he loves her. How does he know? Because he keeps telling himself he doesn’t. Why does he love her? Her smile and approach to things. Ok, great. She’s not ready to say it back, but I think she likes his smile and approach to things, too.

Izzy can’t stop thinking about that Lamp. It’s like he was made custom, for her, you know? She decides to offer herself to him. Lamp is psyched he’ll have more time to snag a blonde, and Izzy goes back to tell Vinny she’s questioning their relationship over a light fixture. They decide to sleep on it, but it looks like it’s another couple done in by a decorating dispute.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 5 Round Two With Jared

Ashley I. shows up with a personal goal of third base and three cries. She’s cried twice by the first commercial break. Everyone’s Boyfriend confirms that he’s dating Caila, and Ashley toys with leaving, though she will obviously stay. When Everyone’s Boyfriend hears she’s crying again, he feels terrible…for himself. In another private confrontation, because you can’t have stalking without talking, Jared pawns off Ashley on Daniel, and curses her for all the PDA Caila says she can’t give him, now.

Ashley isn’t sure what to make of Daniel, but they have an easy chemistry and a refreshingly honest date. He tells her he’s 1/7 gay; she says he’s a placeholder; he says he’s one of those guys who’s into virgins; she deftly summarizes her relationship with Everyone’s Boyfriend:

No sooner are they hitting it off than a group of Aztec warriors, erroneously believed to have been wiped out by smallpox and Cortes, surround and make off with Ashley, demanding a virgin sacrifice. Daniel shrugs, because he knows that isn’t accurate to Aztec society, and digs into his dinner.

The next morning, Jen from BenLovable’s season shows up, and is told she has to choose between Daniel and Nick. She chooses Not Daniel. They recline on a boat and discuss dolphin sex, which is the best anyone could hope for coming on this late.

Evan has been lying low this episode, a common predator tactic, but finds an opportunity to manipulate Carly when a woman in a lab coat tells him to rest his ankles in a hospital.

With a path to a “no” effectively blocked by feelings of obligation, Carly hops in the ambulance, performs an ear exam, and then accepts when another actor/doctor urges them to date. They are now a couple, and somewhere an angel has its wings torn off.

Caila watches Ashley sob in bed, then provides a voiceover about not expecting to work this hard for Jared. Ashley’s strategy was to get over Everyone’s Boyfriend by dating in front of him, but that required that he be alone or dating another vapid 2-for-1, not a hair model. Ashley thought the Don’t Date Jared Contract she makes all her acquaintances sign was ironclad, but Caila won’t even let his facial hair dissuade her. The episode wraps with cry # 1 billion when Nick tells Ashley she imagined that Precious Moments “Love Is A War Of Attrition” statuette.

 

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 4 Stop Being The Awkward Dick Doctor

If last year’s B In P was themed, “Disney Princesses Go Wild,” this wacky season is, “Violence Against Women.” From Chad throwing Lace around like a rag doll, to alleged emotional abuser Josh, to manipulative martyr Evan – put the cameras down, ABC assholes, and get your house in order.

Evan, a self-entitled nerd who thinks his lack of appeal among women makes him a Nice Guy, decides to pursue already attached (m)Amanda while she is buried deep in Josh’s smug, smug mouth. Not to be deterred (least of all by the word “no”), Evan writes a half-self affirmation, half-Date Card, and invites (m)Amanda on a mysterious dinner date that she thinks the show requires of them. He does not clarify. Vizzini™ look on incredulously, Izzy perched on Vinny’s back in case a chicken fight breaks out.

(m)Amanda catches on that this is just Evan “being weird,” which is the show’s super secret code for “not respecting boundaries.” Unfortunately, (m)Amanda dumps like a woman, letting him down gently with a teary lie of it’s just bad timing. She says she is totally committed to the guy she met yesterday, and this idiot hears “glimmer of hope” and “maybe in the future.” Meanwhile, Guy She Met Yesterday moans into a pizza and wonders if Nick has any cute female relatives. When (m)Amanda gets back to her committed partner of 24 hours, she tells him what went down and he makes this sympathetic face:

This is the least threatened face since all the faces he’s ever made to Nick.

Back at the beach, Daniel uses a sweater trimmer to shave Izzy off Vinny’s back, and the dudes who are on the chopping block try to secure a rose before elimination. Both Christian and Daniel kiss Sarah, Twin tries to teach Random how to differentiate her from other Twin by facial constellations, then Evan pulls an Evan. Though Everyone’s High School Boyfriend cautioned him to be satisfied that (m)Amanda even knows his name, Evan just needs to bring something to her attention- the allegations of verbal and emotional abuse against Josh by his ex-fiancée and former Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Or at least, the details he was told by the staff. (m)Amanda thanks him for the information, and convenes Twin and Lace, who tell her to keep an eye on it, like a rash.

Josh takes Evan for a walk to confront him about discussing his alleged history of abuse with (m)Amanda. This is annoying to watch because Evan is both #wrongreasons and #greatquestions. Did you think the allegations wouldn’t come up? Why don’t you sue for libel if the accusations are lies? Josh replies he’s a spiritual gentleman, and everyone knows spiritual gentleman don’t sue for libel. He sweats and seethes and accuses God of having a direct hand in this season.

Evan, whose “crusade in life” is to pursue truth women against their will, looks down on Josh for spewing the nonsense platitudes that Evan has the good taste to write on fake Date Cards. Nick Viall, never one to miss a speaking role, drunkenly offers that some of the stuff Andi wrote about him was true. (m)Amanda should be “aware.” Nick tells (m)Amanda she will figure this out because she’s a “smart girl,” which is what you say to redirect a woman who is being really, really dumb.

(m)Amanda has never been warned away from a man before, and proves she’s taking this accusation seriously by frowning and snuggling deep into Josh’s chest.

At the Rose Ceremony, Evan tells us that sometimes doing the hard thing isn’t always the most popular thing. Most Popular Thing is definitely doing Hard Thing, though, and gives Josh her rose. Sarah chooses Daniel over Christian, who is baffled that she’d choose a doof that makes her happy over a coiled spring like himself. Carly gives her throwaway rose to throwaway Evan, who plans to “sneak back in” through the door Carly thought she locked. Twin trades Random for Nick, because Nick deserves to find love, but Random does not.

The pressure of elimination off, the couples return to the beach to sleep in the beds they made. Everybody’s High School Boyfriend tells Twin that he drinks wine and lights a candle while he watches tv. We know, Jared. Everyone’s High School Boyfriend based his conceptions of romance on Syberis pool suite commercials.

Then Caila comes on with a date card and all the women realize why they had to pack their bags last night.

The rest of this episode is called “Jared Playing It Cool.” Twin thinks Caila’s perfect. Suspiciously perfect. Caila, of course, chooses Everyone’s High School Boyfriend for her date, if he’ll have her. Will he play it safe with the Twofer Sisters for the second season, or will he break up the set? After finagling Twin’s permission, Jared accepts Caila’s invitation and officially becomes Everyone’s Boyfriend.

On their horseback riding date, Caila becomes yet another woman on the show that wears off-the-shoulder tops like we’re supposed to just accept it and move on. She even doubles down, as it were, by wearing it at a canter. Twin never had a chance.

The couples most likely to get in a bar fight are sent to a bar. Izzy/Vinny and Lace/Grant dance in foam, and the women lie on the floor while the men crab walk over them. A producer pours ice water on the women to incite a reaction, and Lace is called aggressive for telling her, “Don’t pour water on us again.”

Meanwhile, Carly and Sarah have Daniel and Evan to their room for an uncomfortable double date of their own. Carly avoids kissing Evan despite Daniel and Sarah’s nudging and Evan’s goodbye attempt. This autonomy pisses off the producers, who will have their way. They send  Shitty Person 1 and Shitty Person 2 from their staff to pretend they couldn’t wake up Evan, then summon Shitty Person 3, who is wearing scrubs and is therefore a medical authority, to command that Carly lie down with Evan for monitoring purposes. Her shitty friend leaves, and this is the moment when Evan sees his opportunity to coerce Carly into sexual contact. Right here:

Things that this father of three boys hates: ripped t-shirts, upper cheek hair, consent. She says “you can’t” 4 times and “no” 4 before succumbing.

Nick says goodbye to the ocean, (m)Amanda and Josh crawl under the sheets for the quietest, lowest range of motion sex they can manage, and we find out Ashley I. is back for her signature beach drink, a lachrymosa.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 3 You Went On A Date And You Threw Up

The change to the opening credits can’t go unacknowledged – now Nick getting hit in the head with a soccer ball is preceded by Josh kicking it. Despite this and every other attempt to goad Nick into a confrontation, he knows better. Well, knowing better isn’t exactly how I’d describe “third time’s a charm” Nick, but he’d prefer to lose on sexual performance over blunt force trauma.

In other couple news, Canadian Eagle Daniel is starting to seem genuinely interested in Sarah. Last week he chose her from the four desperate unmatched women, despite leaning twinward for a good old-fashioned bang session. Sarah likes him back, fully aware of his bromance with Chad and other personal characteristics. What could come between them? Enter new guy Christian with a date card.

While Sarah explores Christianity and (m)Amanda explores Dudism, Daniel and Nick discuss Carly’s lack of attraction to Evan, aka ED-E. Daniel thinks if he would just let his hair down and take off his glasses, Carly could see that Evan’s all that.

It’s too late for these world record holders, however, and Carly pauses in her behind-the-back attacks on Evan to dump him politely to his face. Somehow, trying to make out with her post-vomiting didn’t save him. Carly feels bad until Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared points out that puking before and after kissing isn’t a thing unless you’re trying to make crash dieting sexy. With Evan in her rear view, Carly is ready to meet that elusive Someone Spatial. Not a typo, literally anything with both mass and volume.

Then we meet Brandon, supposedly from Desiree’s season in 2013.

It doesn’t help that when he introduces himself I think he says, “Random.” He’s got a pulse and everything, so Carly is into him, but he takes aside Twin, first. Carly isn’t worried, because guys don’t like boring, gorgeous women. Carly, that is the premise of this show. Random was on the Bachelorette with Carly’s brother, Zak, who is celebrating his one year anniversary that very day. Coincidentally, Carly is celebrating her one year anniversary of using said wedding to shame Kirk into staying with her. Vinny worries that Evan might Virginia Woolf into the Pacific if Random asks out Carly. Thankfully, he picks Tabula Rasa, and Evan is free to explore other types of self-sabotage. 

Sarah and Christian zip line and rappel down a cliff before kissing tepidly on some boulders. Despite his best attempts to dunk her donuts, Sarah is craving Tim Hortons. They return from their date and she immediately checks on Canadian Daniel, who affectionately describes her as the scraps another bird of prey is trying to steal. Daniel takes fate into his own hands, and makes a beachside mini-date for her. He wants someone who is into weird, and Sarah is that someone. They don’t kiss, because of Zika (is he a biter?), but their mutual interest is clear.

On Random and Twin’s date, the sisters pull a Wakefield Twin Halloween and swap places. I bet any of the blondes could jump in and he wouldn’t notice. He can’t tell the difference, except that Twin’s cooled off and is way less into fooling around than he anticipated.

Gazing down from a room of his own, Evan spies (m)Amanda, who’s playing host body to Josh’s tongue. He’s not bothered by disgusting things coming out of his date’s mouth, so pens his own date card and heads down to the beach to commit social suicide.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 2 On A Scale Of 1 To F*** Off

The eliminations have begun in earnest, and in a surprising twist on social norms, the men have all the power. Down a Chad, 7 women (8 if you count the twins as individuals, which you don’t) vie for 6 roses.

Enter the 8th/9th set of hair extensions, Leah (rhymes with “see ya”). Leah was a non-contender from Benlovable’s season, guilty of impugning his now-fiancée’s intentions in a bid to finally stand out. Changing tack, she shows up in gladiator sandals, an off-the-shoulders black eyelet crop top, and a neon patterned skort. She looks like she coated her naked self in some adhesive and walked through the sale section of Forever 21, an eco-conscious alternative to plastic bags. Speaking of plastic bags, Twins cannot wait to tear her down. They point out that she looks different – specifically her lips. They look different than lips. Leah came here for Chad, but figures villain and Viall are close enough. She takes Nick on a margarita-themed 1 on 1 Date, which she enjoys and he tolerates. Honestly, this is the biggest favor she can do him, as it triggers (m)Amanda’s competitive side. After a lukewarm date, they return home to yet another date card – this time for Nick.

He disappoints Leah and chooses (m)Amanda, who perfectly sums up his Bachelorette history with, “I feel like he, like, just knows how to, like, get a girl, kind of.” Kind of. They get drinks and their constant use of the word “like” serves as both verbal and emotional filler. The date wraps up with a kiss beside Leah’s funeral pyre.

Meanwhile, Lace is staring down the business end of a vodka bottle and lamenting her lack of options. Vinny steers her towards Grant, the dude she ditched so she could Chad. Does anyone else think she’s missing a serious opportunity with Jorge the Bartender, who is a good listener and serves alcohol? In any case, Vinny is a saint and talks to Grant on her behalf, and Grant is saintier and saves Lace the groveling. He approaches her, tells her there’s nothing to forgive, and they find their way to the closest bed.

The smell of desperation is in the air. Sarah likes Vinny, who is already coupled up with Izzy. Carly is looking for a macho man, so naturally wonders what it would be like to kiss Evan. EVAN. Ask and ye shall receive, Carly. After a lot of actionless build up, she finally kisses him, and it is, as they say in his erectile dysfunction clinic, a downer. He goes to bed to write their names in hearts all over his notebooks, while she tells literally every camera she sees how terrible it was.

Just before the Rose Ceremony, Sarah swoops Vinny to tell him how she feels. He kisses her, but Izzy is not about to get brunetted out in the first round, again. She reswoops him, and Vinny drinks as much alcohol as he can in the amount of time it takes her to say, “I want some validation.” Oh dear God, he kisses her, too.

Leah makes a last-ditch play for Nick, but he tells her he is picking (m)Amanda. Hopes formally dashed, she decides to do anything she can to stay in the game and make another play for him next week. “Anything she can” is Daniel, Chad’s former sidekick. She tells him she is like an onion, but it’s too hot for layers so they settle on an orange. Peel back that bitter rind and you’ll find she’s neatly compartmentalized. Daniel is the only guy with a rose to spare, however, so there are a few more insecure women queued up. He suggests setting a timer for the groveling, and thankfully Jubilee steps out of the line. Next up is Twin,

followed by Sarah, who knows better than to trust Vinny.

At the Rose Ceremony, we are reminded that the twins are twofers. If you can’t identify the one you want, you have to take both.  Grant picks Lace, Nick picks Amanda, and Evan picks Carly, who openly laughs at him. Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared, who can’t resist a deal, picks Twin. Vinny picks Izzy, leaving us with Jubilee, Leah, and Sarah vying for Daniel’s rose. Daniel looks very smug for a man choosing someone to reject him next week, and opts for Sarah. The Rose Ceremony is over, and at least half the women spend the night strategizing how to avoid their guys.

The next morning, Josh Murray arrives, famous for out-engaging Nick Viall the first time around. He chats up some of the girls before settling on (m)Amanda, because obviously. She tells him she likes to spend time with her (human) children, and he tells her about his no-fail girlfriend bait (canine) child, who lost a leg in its battle with cancer. Nothing works on women like three-legged dogs in remission, and (m)Amanda agrees to go on a date with him.

They take a boat ride and talk about how emotionally abusive he isn’t, and return a fully-realized couple. For the rest of the episode Josh shows off his patented kiss formula- 1 part lips to 9 parts tongue. Josh suggests every moany lip lock is a part of God’s plan, and then makes this face at Nick:

As for the other kissfunctional couple, Evan and Carly are about to make history. If Evan can find her. When he finally pries her out of her hidey hole, Evan asks her on a 1 on 1 Date to a Guinness Book of World Records habenero kiss challenge. Carly would rather fly Kirk back out to dump her again.  Instead, they pound peppers, he grazes her ass, and then, dripping snot and regret, this happens:

I bet you didn’t know how well-cast Cruel Intentions was until this moment. The night ends with Carly throwing up over the kiss, and the viewers throwing up over Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared and Twin hooking up.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 1 You’re Being So Unmurdery

Welcome to a new season of Bachelor In Paradise, a tequila-soaked Rube Goldberg device for finding someone else that thinks “mischievious” is a word. The romantics for hire assemble at their beach resort in Sayulita, Mexico to sniff out pheromones and Twitter followers. The contestants are: Las Vegas twins Haley and Emily, who are identical…to most contestants on this show. The 2 for 1 discount from last season applies, meaning if one twin gets a rose, both are safe. Also on the show is professional also-ran Nick Viall, runner up in both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons. Seriously, I don’t know which part of this makes me saddest:

We also get Erectile Dysfunction Specialist Evan, known to Jubilee as “The Penis Guy,” probably because “Petty Sniveling Instigator” is mean. Where there’s an instigator, a short-fused lunatic isn’t far behind. Enter Chad, essentially the same old villain but with some new veins added. This animated protein shake calls himself misunderstood and pets his late mother’s puppy as though you can snuggle yourself into mental health. Several women express interest in him, including a blonde named Sarah, who threatens to keep coming on this show until she finds a husband. She’d like to peel back Chad’s layers like an onion, until she’s left with his true self or someone intervenes and teaches her the right way to prep food.

Canadian Daniel is back, too, with dual responsibilities of interviewing Chad and disparaging the women. So far, he has called them pigeons to his eagle, washed up street dogs to his wolf, and bruised fruit to his organic, non-GMO produce. Then we get “I’m not crazy” Lace; squeaky-voiced mother of two, (m)Amanda; war-hero Jubilee; lover of complicated women and picturesque leaning, Fireman Grant; recently-spurned Carly; and Vinny, the barber from JoJo’s season. While Daniel takes the traditional approach,

Vinny confuses us all by calling the women beautiful, attractive, and nice. What are you playing at, Vinny? He attaches to Izzy, whom you remember from Ben’s season if you are her mother, but otherwise not at all. Lastly, we get Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared, who got stuck in Ashley I.’s eyelash glue last season and never managed to date anyone else. He has piqued Jubilee’s interest. She gets the first date card, and invites him to talk Lord of the Rings and get murdered by clowns.

I’m sorry for the visual, but I wanted to be sure other people could see it.

The real story of the night, however, is the volatile relationship that develops between Chad and Lace. They hit it off, hit it, and then eventually just hit. What started as Cuddle O’Clock in a pool quickly becomes cartoon villain threats to tie Lace to a railroad track. She abandons her slappy bids for power in the relationship after he calls her a bitch for the millionth time (not when he threatens to duct tape her), and storms off to join “all the nice and genuous people.” This leaves Chad wasted and shouty. The other contestants take this opportunity to exclude him, and when onion-lover Sarah (who has one arm) takes a shot at him, Chad crosses the line and mocks her disability.

The next morning Chad has shit the bed, both literally and figuratively. Chris Harrison gathers everyone together to hold Chad accountable. You were insulting, violent, and told the hotel staff to suck a dick.

Exactly. Chad’s villainhood is fully realized, and he storms off, accusing Chris Harrison of emotional distance and liking mimosas. When Chad laments that he’ll never be the Bachelor, now, it’s clear how deep the show’s manipulation runs. I almost feel sorry for him, and then I remember:

He goes home, leaving behind an aggression vacuum and an opportunity for someone else to tat Lace.

Bachelorette 12, Episodes 11 & 12 Finale

JoJo introduces her family to Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother and the other guy in Phuket, Thailand. I’ve been thinking Phuket since Luke left, but this is what we get for not having superdelegates at the Rose Ceremonies.

We start with ARLB. He brings silly hats and his resting insincere face, which goes pretty far with the brothers, but not so far with JoJo’s mom. After gamely modeling a pink bonnet, she cuts the shit.

He fumbles out a yes. Then she makes him promise not to break JoJo’s heart. ARLB is starting to freak out. JoJo’s dad takes him aside, and tells him JoJo has trust issues. This is not how ARLB saw his day going. Instead of asking for their permission to propose, he reassures her parents that he has tons of issues, too, and gets out of there. ARLB slinks home and JoJo proclaims it a resounding success.

Enter other guy. Robby arrives in his signature tuk-tuk, though with that ‘do I wish he’d taken his wrecking ball. Hair freshly lacquered, Robby exudes a glossy confidence. His easy enthusiasm for JoJo is a disarming counterpoint to ARLB’s lukewarm hat date. JoJo absently ponders how she ever let things get this far with Robby, while he recounts the moment he first professed his love.

Guys, haven’t you seen Speed? And then Speed 2? Relationships based on adrenaline rushes never last. Despite JoJo silently begging us to shoot the hostage, Robby is killing it with her family, and wraps up the date getting both parents’ teary blessing. Robby is everyone’s clear favorite, and they tell her so.

JoJo is crushed. Her dad recounts all of Robby’s promises to love, protect, and care for JoJo, optimistically tacking on “fidelity” for good measure. It turns out magical thinking is a family trait. When her dad tells JoJo that Robby loves her, she adds on ARLB. The Fletchers quickly catch on that JoJo has already made her decision, and assure her that she can divorce whomever she wants. No matter her choice, she knows that she’ll miss either Robby as a person or ARLB as a lifestyle. JoJo’s torn, and will be known as Jo Jo until she decides for sure.

On their last date (ever), Robby tells her about the future he’s envisioned for them. He has thought this through down to the burnt meatloaf and unsupervised children. Jo Jo straddles and kisses him goodbye.

ARLB saunters towards Jo Jo for their last date and tells her how cute she looks in a shirt with fringed bell sleeves. This is why nobody trusts you, ARLB. They kayak toward a confrontation, and over dinner she asks why he didn’t get her parents’ blessings. He flouts Bachelorette protocol and says he can’t ask for their permission while another man is still in the picture. Jo Jo looks genuinely worried that she’s going to have to marry Robby over this technicality.

Just before the Final Rose Ceremony, Robby pens a love letter and picks out the ring he’ll be returning to Neil Lane in an hour. Some handler is looking out for ARLB and lets him call Jo Jo’s parents for their blessings, which he has time-stamped and sent over to Jo Jo just under the wire. Next shot, we see Jo Jo startled out of her brooding by a knock on the door. She floats to the front door in a cloud of white chiffon and finds ARLB’s notarized parental blessings left under a conch shell. JoJo cries in relief that she won’t have to marry a wax statue, using Robby’s letter to fan her tears dry.

The first car pulls up so JoJo can dump her plus 2. The show teases out the suspense by starting at the unlucky guy’s ankle. Skinny cropped suit pants? Could be anyone. Show us a pompadour! Robby emerges and professes his love to her. She hears out the whole proposal but stops him before he kneels because she can’t bend in that dress. She says, “I wanted it to be you,” but I’m fairly sure she whispered “Ben” after that. Robby leaves and JoJo cries while enormous wicker baskets, the tumbleweed of Thailand, blow about behind her.

Then JoJo remembers ARLB. Time to get engaged. Rodgers and JoJo say their I love yous, ARLB takes a knee, and JoJoJordan is born.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Robby is a vision in gingham accessories. He wants to know if JoJo ever thinks of him. She doesn’t. Chris Harrison wants to know if JoJoJordan have had a hard time dealing with all the tabloid drama. They have, but they’re excited to date in front of cameras again. The end.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 10 Men Tell All

A review reel reminds us that all the serious relationships this season didn’t involve JoJo. We start with the conflict between insecure Jim Halpert and Alex. Nick, previously an anonymous drunk in a Santa costume, comes to Halpert’s defense. He says Alex is clearly a dick. DJ Wells comes to Alex’s defence. He says Alex is a dick and a war hero. They seem to have hit a dick wall, so everyone decides to turn on Chad again.

Chris Harrison welcomes him to the stage, and everyone is ready to poke the Chad Bear. Unfortunately for them, Chad Bear poked first. Apparently, after the show wrapped he dated both Grant’s and Robby’s exes. Santa offers to fight Chad, who declines because he’s wearing dress shoes, so Grant offers to just transfer his deed and have done with it.

The attacks on Chad keep coming, and despite all evidence that he’s a violent crazy person, he is a remarkably charming violent crazy person. We review video evidence and the Evan t shirt debacle starts to make sense right up until Evan tells us he was doing stand up comedy when it happened. We even get more words of wisdom from that honey tongued master of ceremonies, DJ Wells, AKA Voice of Reason. This perpetual Peter Parker feels sorry for the dudes, who lost camera time to Chad, and for Chad, who has to be Chad.

Harrison interviews Luke and Chase, who confirm that they’re both single and sad, but not too sad to be the next Bachelor. JoJo comes on stage so they can thank her for teaching them to love. 1/3 of the Jameses aw shuckses at her, and then Chad decides he wants whatever bonus the producers offered him and trashes Robby and ARLB. JoJo threatens to go off,

but then remembers the fancy shoes rule. We close with an endorsement for Vinny from his mom, and the promise of a new break up next week.

Bachelorette 12, Episode 9 Pull Your Pants Down And Kick Me In The Nuts

You can’t say JoJo doesn’t have a type – bearded blonds with Ace Ventura coifs, Martini glass-shaped bodies, and more holes in their stories than a library infested with silverfish. Sadly, Luke is a brooding brunet with an inverted lightbulb physique, good for intense face-stroking and riding a horse into the sunset. Well, the sun has set.

No amount of “Come back, Shane!”s  can help, and we must resign ourselves to watching JoJo select her anti-Benlovable from the remaining Pet Detectives.

We relocate to Hua Hin, Thailand, a subtle suggestion that the remaining contestants are same same, but different. This is Fantasy Suite week, and Robby is the hygenically fortunate first man in the lineup. He tumbles out of a tuk-tuk into JoJo’s arms-arms, and they sweat on each other good-naturedly while avoiding local food and customs. They revisit his ex-girlfriend drama, and JoJo reminds us that she confessed her love to Ben on this very night, last season. Nothing gets these lovebirds going like talking about their exes, so they grab that antique brass key and jam it into the electric card reader on their Marriot Fantasy Suite, post-haste.

The morning after, JoJo meets Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother for a steep hike to a Buddhist temple. Once there, JoJo promises not to hook up with ARLB, because “temples are very sacred here.” Please, everything JoJo knows about Buddhism she learned from Dharma and Greg, which just makes me angrier that she won’t at least choose a guy with a steady job. Over dinner, JoJo says getting proposed to is the moment she’s been waiting her whole life for. ARLB says he can’t wait to ask her father’s permission. Then she casually tosses out, “We have not talked at all about what the future would be like.” Nevermind, JoJo, all your concerns soon will be put to rest.

JoJo: Are we going to date long distance?
ARLB: I want to marry you.
JoJo: That’s what Ben said. Charming, treacherous Ben. How do I know you’re not Benning me?
ARLB: For the last month, when I’ve pictured getting married, it’s been to you.
JoJo: The whole month? Take me now.

Evasion properly handled, they scamper off to their Fantasy Suite like it’s one of those less sacred temples from back home.

Her last date is with Chase. He does everything right, except having a shady past that screams, “Don’t trust me!” Fatal error, Chase. JoJo assures us falling in love with a third guy makes her want to puke, but offers him a night in the Fantasy Suite anyway. Emboldened, he finally says he loves her, which just brings all the nausea back. She excuses herself to dry heave and strategize how to get him to make the Luke rejection face. She pulls herself together, pops a Tums, and rips off the Band-Aid.

Not now, rookie, since at least a couple episodes back, with Alex the Marine.

The Rose Ceremony is moot, despite ARLB’s choice of pants and Chase showing up to say call me after the show. ARLB and Robby get roses, Chase gets ushered out by a monkey intern, and JoJo brings up Benlovable one last time before introducing these not-Bens to her family.