Bachelorette 12, Episode 7 I’m Your Goocho

Thank God for small mercies, JoJo moves the men from Buenos Aires to a setting they can pronounce: a bus. The dates this week are carefully tailored to each boyfriend. For Alex, a gaucho-themed date that diplomatically gets him to try on a looser shirt. For the horse-farming military man Luke, a horse riding/skeet shooting date. For Jordan, a “Tell me about your famous brother” date. As for the casual Group Date in the hotel room, what says Chase/James/Robby like a location with a predetermined check-out day?

The first Date Card, “I gaucho nose” or something, goes to would-be alpha male Alex. Alex avoids thigh friction by prancing sideways down the hotel stairs to JoJo’s waiting car, where they eat Pringles and count wheat fields. They arrive at a horse farm and change clothes, JoJo into flared suede pants with heels, and Alex into a traditional gaucho outfit that leaves me craving Thin Mints.

Girl Scout Alex.png

Their hosts differentiate between the Spanish way of taming a horse (impose your will) and the Argentinian way (take it to Lookout Point and try to go all the way). If you remember to bring a sugar cube, the latter looks something like this:

Gaucho on Horse.png
Now JoJo’s outfit makes a little more sense. You’ve heard of couples’ costumes? Meet Insecure Gaucho and Sexy Hoofed Animal. That evening over an uneaten dinner, JoJo observes that Alex isn’t as nervous as he should be. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she takes a really long time to say she’ll never, ever love him back. True, there wasn’t supposed to be a rose to lose on this date, but she respects Alex way too much to still spend time with him. He takes it poorly and leaves to drunk dial Chad.

The next 1 on 1 Date is with Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, who shows up for his private plane ride to a vineyard date wearing a t-shirt, khaki shorts, and sneakers. This is what I call my, “I’m running to Target, do you need anything?” outfit.  They stomp grapes, then drink the resultant foot juice and call it wine. Afterwards, they kiss in a hot tub and ARLB invites her to meet Mama, possibly a pet name for his d. She is dying to meet Mama, but hesitates when he tells her he has a strained relationship with his famous brother. This is his real brother, not a euphemism for genitals. ARLB rejects how his big brother “did life,” and defines himself by his self-professed humility, rather than personal or professional successes. ARLB says he loves her, and she reacts the exact opposite to how she reacted to Alex.

The Group Date is a behind the scenes tour of Body Worlds, showing various stages in the plastination process:

Plastic Group Date.png

The final product will look like Jude Law in A.I. They get rained out of their date and hang with JoJo in their hotel room. James Taylor knows he’s the before picture, and tries to stay in the game by sabotaging Robby. Robby isn’t intimidated. In fact, he is psyched there is a rose on this date, because he’s sure that he is JoJo’s third favorite. Chase was there, too.

Everyone gets some private time with JoJo on the date. Robby spreads a blanket on a park bench and slurs that he and his girlfriend of three years broke up just 4 months ago. On Robby’s timeline of trauma, that is about a month after his best friend died. And now he’s here! Perfectly healed and ready to marry a stranger. During their alone time, Chase can’t bring himself to say he loves JoJo, but does say he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Seriously, is that not bigger? Then James Taylor negs on himself and tells JoJo she’s his dream girl. She replies that he’s everything she’s never dated. Uh oh. “You have every quality that I would want,” JoJo tells James, except, of course, ARLB’s looks and personality. At the end of the night, psychologically unstable confidence wins the day, and JoJo bestows the precious date rose on Robby, who is totally fine, guys.

Luke and JoJo have a 1 on 1 Date riding horses and skeet shooting. He is in his element, identifying a bug-up-the-nose whinny and catching the loaded gun JoJo throws when she hits her target. Shirt unbuttoned to his sternum, Luke dazzles her with another state of their union speech and makeout session.

JoJo forgoes the Cocktail Party, so the Rose Ceremony happens right after Luke’s date. Everyone rightly concludes that Chase and James are on the chopping block. JoJo can’t think of Chase’s name, so she dumps James. JoJo tells him she hopes he gets a girl who will treat him the way he treats everyone else. What? Doesn’t matter. The years James spent building up his getting-dumped skillset have paid off. He takes it like a pro, leaving JoJo crying on a bench trying to remember what’s-his-face’s name for next time.

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