Bachelorette 12, Episode 3 Angergasm

Chris Harrison navigates his way through the spoiled remains of last night’s Rose Ceremony. The champagne has lost its fizz, the meat platters have turned, and some nobody named Nick is fawning all over Jordan. Harrison is Jay Gatsby, the morning after one of his parties.

The first 1 on 1 date goes to Chase, solely for the .001 seconds between “Cha” and “se” when the audience thinks it might be “Chad.” They show up at PervYoga, the kind of place where you really want to bring your own mat. The instructor (who, bless her, thought JoJo and Chase knew each other) demonstrates how to shout yourself to orgasm, asks JoJo to mount Chase, and then discreetly slips away before their series culminates in a downward facing lawsuit.

If you assumed Chase has lived a life of CIS white male privilege, he reveals the trauma of his parents’ divorce when he was 8. JoJo caves and gives him a rose, but just one. So will you keep it at your dad’s or your mom’s house, Chase? You have to choose. They kiss and slow dance in front of a country b(l)and that suddenly materializes.

Back at the MANsion, The Group Date card reads, “Love has no secrets.” The lucky suitors are Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother, Fireman Grant, Alex the Marine, ED Evan, Chad, DJ Wells, 1/2 of the Jameses, Whosie, Whatsit, and Someguys.

Chad says he’d rather have a 1 on 1 date with JoJo than a Group Date, and the other dudes do their best to misunderstand him. ARLB mocks Chad’s spelling, sick burn. Chad calls ARLB a failed football player. Wait, ARLB played football? Marine Alex exhibits a deimatic response to perceived threats, and puffs up to his biggest and bravest. He calls Chad a piece of shit and then challenges him with a string of interrogatives.

What Alex Bachelorette Chad.png

Evan giggles from the safety of the herd. Chad offers to fight anyone who has a problem with him, and everyone suddenly notices something that needs their attention on the floor. Who, me, me, me, me, me, me?

The Group Date is at Sex Talks, a sex-themed open mic night. One of our hostesses kicks things off with an on-stage orgasm, and Vinny admits he’s never heard anything like it. The guys are given 45 minutes to prep an anecdote about their sexual history, and Evan knows just what to talk about. Chad. This is good, because Chad doesn’t want to talk at all. JoJo will get a dick story when she’s earned a dick story.

During the show, we skim over DJ Wells’ threesome, ARLB’s self-fluffing, a cop assaulting 16 year old Grant, and that Drunk Canadian Daniel tied up a woman and cut off some of her hair. Instead, we focus on ED Evan calling Chad out for steroid use, to Marine Alex’s delight. After the show, Evan shoves past Chad to get to his seat, Chad rips Evan’s shirt, and then gets publicly humiliated when JoJo denies him an onstage kiss. Should have gone with the dick story, Chad! After the show, Chad punches a door, and Evan pretends he did everything in good fun.

During the cocktails portion of the Group Date, ARLB and JoJo have a talk that first aired a week or two ago. Chad tries to interrupt Mall Santa’s alone time with JoJo, but she makes him wait. Chad sits ten feet away from them staring at his watch, and Santa pushes past one of at least two cameramen there to complain about how crowded Chad is making it. When Chad does get time alone with JoJo, ED Evan interrupts to give JoJo an ultimatum. Evan or Chad? Chicken or beef? Neither can live while the other survives. JoJo says she’ll give ED Evan the date rose if he’ll shut up about Chad already. Evan sticks to his principles, and goes home. Psych! He says yes and climbs into his bunk bed to add a chapter to his feelings journal. That’s what he calls masturbating.

On the 1 on 1 date, JoJo takes Sweet Baby James on a tour of the Friend Zone.

Friend Zone James Taylor Bachelorette JoJo.png

They take swing dance lessons, he fishes for a compliment about his looks, and then pulls out his goddamn guitar again. Wait- is ABC is making JoJo date the living embodiment of an obscure country band? Next season’s Bachelor is going to have to hook up with a helicopter.

Back home, Daniel, LeFou to Chad’s Gaston, suggests Chad should cool it. Let’s say you’re like Hitler. You don’t want to say that? Okay fine, Trump. Don’t be like Trump. Maybe bring it down to Mussolini or Bush levels. Thank you, Drunk Canadian Daniel, for some perspective on how American politics look from the outside.

When the dates are all done, Chris Harrison returns to the MANsion to inform the men that JoJo wants a pre-elimination Pool Party instead of the Cocktail Party. ED Evan follows Harrison out to complain that the fake security guards aren’t enough to protect him from the dude he keeps antagonizing. Harrison tells Chad to make nice, but he is talking to the guy that bought other contestants’ domain names to promote himself on Instagram. (robbyhayes.com, alexwoytkiw.com, etc.). Nice is for losers, Chad. You’re gonna be huge.

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