Bachelorette 11, Episode 12 You Guys Couldn’t Find A Bigger Couch

The two finalists for Kaitlyn’s affection have a lot in common. Both love Kaitlyn. Both love wearing women’s pants. Both probably love wearing Kaitlyn’s pants. How’s a girl to choose?

First we meet her family. She reveals that Nick is a finalist, and he came on the show in the middle of the season. Her mom nails it right away with “I bet the guys wanted to punch him.” Especially after we boned! Kaitlyn reveals. When Nick finds out she told her family they slept together, he makes the same raised-repressed-and-Catholic face of horror I made. That’s not the kind of information you share with family, Kaitlyn. It’s the kind of thing you reveal in an accusatory fashion on national t.v. after you’ve been rejected. Her family is pretty suspicious of Nick. Actually, her mom and sister are. The men in her family clearly don’t watch the show and have no idea what everyone is talking about. Is he on this amazing journey for the right reasons, asks her sister. Amazing journey? Right reasons? Someone knows about The Bachelorette drinking game and is trying to get me wasted. Kaitlyn’s mom takes Nick aside and asks him to explain why her daughter is attracted to him. Seriously, break it down for me. I believe the words she uses are, “What is that?” Nick cries, and she gets it. He is such a good crier. She may have required some back and forth before giving her blessing, but Kaitlyn’s dad is more like a Saturn dealership and hands over the keys to Nick, no haggling required. Afterward Nick kisses Kaitlyn goodbye with his eyes open, trying to figure out which camera to face.

Then her family gets to meet Shawn. He buys baby clothes for Kaitlyn’s sister’s kids and she’s sold, right reasons or not. Shawn tells Kaitlyn’s mom about a creepy app he used when Kaitlyn was on The Bachelor. You take a photo of a vulnerable woman, and then you can draw hearts around her face, write her love notes and share it with your friends! My guess is about 75% of the contestants on the show have this app on their phone, and the other 25% don’t know how to write.

Nick Heart AppKaitlyn’s mom asks Shawn if he’s jealous of Nick, and he says if they make it through The Bachelorette, nothing can break them up. Just like all the other happily married couples from previous seasons. He goes home confident, and Kaitlyn prepares for a final date with each of the guys.

Kaitlyn and Nick go out on a yacht. She sums up their relationship with “we had a quick ride there,” and Nick provides a convenient visual.

Nick pops one off

He seems pretty sure of himself, but I would be a little more concerned with how often she says she’s surprised she likes him at all. He tells her he has a gift for her in his bedroom. Kaitlyn’s pretty sure he means his dick, but she eventually believes him and accepts her Things Remembered engraved frame with a photo of them and a hand written poem. Sounds like something Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared left behind in his hotel room. Don’t worry, Kaitlyn, you can reuse the frame when Nick’s gone.

She has a pretty awkward last date with Shawn, the best part of which is when he says he can’t wait to re-watch the season and laugh at her for making out with Kentucky Joe. Then he gives her a memory jar, easily one of the most romantic canister-themed gifts. Kaitlyn is completely moved by Cyrano, the Bachelorette Intern’s Shawn’s gesture.

After the dates, the men get to pick out engagement rings. Normally, only the winner gets to do this, but The Bachelorette really wants to mess with Nick. He tells Neil Lane that he’s thrilled that it’s him at the door and not Kaitlyn there to reject him, and Neil keeps an excellent poker face. When Nick starts his proposal, Kaitlyn gives him the look I’ve come to know as her Cliffs of Moher face. She lets him give his whole speech and only stops him just before he kneels. He is clearly pissed she let it get this far, and when he gets back in the loser limo, throws both the engagement ring he picked and his Claddagh ring at his handler. Hey, that is $5,010 worth of jewelry you’re just tossing around! Maybe you should also throw away the bracelets, while you’re at it.  Just a thought.

Then Shawn shows up, and there’s a very sweet proposal, blah blah blah the end. Congratulations, Shawn and Kaitlyn. Nick, better luck next season!

And After The Final Rose?

Kaitlyn gives a shout out to Tim Hortons, Nick repeats silently to himself, “Don’t ask her about the sex, don’t ask her about the sex,” and Shawn calls the show out on its penchant for loveseats.

Tiny Couch

Mischief managed.

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Bachelorette 11, Episode 11 Find Love Or Go Home

This season’s production of The Bachelorette: Men Tell All is a performance in two acts.

Act 1:

Our third person (omniscient???) narrator, Chris Harrison, introduces us to a selection of The Boyfriends to discuss the season’s drama. For cost-saving purposes, the following unimportant characters: Anonymous 4will all be played by the same actor, and we will call them Corey:

Anonymous CoreyIf the tour of rejected men isn’t enough to keep you watching, Chris Harrison offers us an additional, erm, hook- a preview of Bachelor in Paradise. There will be tears, JJ will take firm moral stances, and at least one woman will rinse off her breasts in a waterfall.

Back to the matter at hand. We are reminded of the season’s drama in a review reel. Corey 1 (whose hair recalls Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator) got wasted and went home the first night. Ryan's hairJJ and Clint are still getting joke-edited as gay. Get it everyone? They’re friends and they’re guys, so they’re gay. I bet they do gay things together. Butt things. Princeton-educated Ian was an asshole. Corey 5 wishes they taught a How Not To Be An Asshole class at Princeton (they really should). Then Corey 5 would be besties with Ian, the way he is with all of Kaitlyn’s other ex-boyfriends. We could call them CorIan. Maybe not. Anyway. Corey 4 agrees with Ian that Kaitlyn is a whore, but thinks there’s a better way to say it. Ian interrupts the slut shaming, and kneels down to formally apologize to the guys, Kaitlyn, America, the audience, and his mother. Jared mentally adds Boys II Men Down on Bended Knee to his next mix tape lineup. Ian tells us he is humble. Can we all agree that people who call themselves humble, nice or shy are nothing of the sort? The guys hug him and he stays kneeling (no homo).

The men briefly complain about Nick again, and then send JJ to the hot seat for gay soundbites/to be insulted by Corey 4. Jared defends JJ as an acquired taste. Like a fine wine, chimes in JJ. Yes, that is definitely how fine wines work. Ben “The Juggernaut” Z gets brought up so everyone can remember that he is handsome and nice, and politely overlook that he put his mouth entirely around Kaitlyn’s when they kissed.  Ben Z kissHe is a perfectly acceptable backup Bachelor if AdoraBen doesn’t work out, and they won’t even have to change the press releases. Then we learn Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared has mostly recovered from getting dumped, but is tortured by randomly hearing “their song” twice a day. Probably on his Walkman. Lastly, Future Bachelor AdoraBen is called up. He is cute and uncontroversial and completely effing boring.

Act 2:

Chris Harrison welcomes Kaitlyn to the show, but forgoes a traditional introduction and instead reads aloud her hate mail. One tweet even includes #slut. He does this because The Bachelor/ette has always embraced controversy around appropriate behavior, gender roles, and what is appropriate for t.v. You know Disney, always at the forefront of progressive gender expectations. Once it’s clear that Kaitlyn is absolutely not a #slut, she gets to directly address the guys.

Yes, Everybody’s High School Boyfriend Jared got her home before curfew every date. Yes, AdoraBen is adorable. Yes, she always liked Nick and Shawn more than all you other suckers. On to the villains. She asks Ryan if he’s still horny. Then Kaitlyn identifies JJ but has some trouble finding his counterpart. Lot’s of people struggle with finding the Clint, Kaitlyn (maybe it’s the beard?). Princeton Ian apologizes and slips her a note (a copy of his diploma? his modeling portfolio? the word “humble” written with perfect penmanship?).

They wrap up with a blooper reel that reveals there had to have been a whole team of interns in charge of birds. The best thing about this episode is that we got a break from Always a Bridesmaid Nick and Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, aka ALF (caution, this cannot be unseen):

ALF

Thank you, rwoerner16. for giving us this. Let’s hope Kaitlyn doesn’t own any cats.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 10 Serious When It Comes To Feelings

It is painfully obvious from the get-go that it’s down to Nick v. Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, Eskimo Inuit Brothers for life! But first we have a red herring date with leading candidate for Bachelor Season 20/possible Eunuch, AdoraBen. Kaitlyn calls him cute and praises how hardworking a husband he would be. Ten points to Hufflepuff! Kaitlyn invites him to the Fantasy Suite for some pre-dumping tomfoolery, and he exclaims with girlish delight:

Sleepover

The next morning, they eat chocolate chip pancakes and giggle until AdoraBen’s mom comes to pick him up.

Her next date is golfing with real boyfriend PMRG. He changes from extremely tight jeans to extremely tight pants to extremely tight legging underwear before Kaitlyn invites him to the Fantasy Suite and wonders why her boyfriends don’t like each other more. On Gosling’s way home from his overnight date, he is met by his annoying Inuit Brother, Nick:

Inuit Brother

The producers delivered Nick to pick a fight, but Gosling refuses to hear him out, and we get on to the Rose Ceremony. Kaitlyn cuts AdoraBen from the show, and he does his best impression of human talk: “I would love to be able to share life longer with you.” He gets sent off in the loser limo, and Nick and PMRG are left alone together in the Rose Ceremony room avoiding eye contact like two people on an elevator who both forgot to press their button.

The final three cast members leave Ireland for Utah to introduce Kaitlyn to the guys’ families, and Nick tells her how being one of the final two contestants in a nationally broadcast love competition show this year differs from being one of the final two last year. Super different. She meets his family, artfully dodges their questions, and leaves Nick crying with his mom.

Meanwhile, Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling has changed back into his extremely tight jeans to introduce Kaitlyn to his family. They all hit it off, and Gosling tells her he loves her. For whatever reason, Kaitlyn doesn’t say it back and instead leaves for an emotional interview. Why the tears? Is she overwhelmed by guilt because she’s about to publicly dump Nick exactly how he was dumped a year ago? Are her false lashes causing permanent damage to her tear ducts? Does she regret keeping Ben H. and not Ben Z. for her last fling Fantasy Suite date? Yes. Yes. Dear God, yes.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 9 How Beautiful Is This Jail?

Let’s get down to business. The remaining 5 men pile onto a plush yellow velvet loveseat, and Jared reads the date cards- AdoraBen gets the 1 on 1 Date on a private island with Kaitlyn, and she says she’s ready to show him her mature side. They play hide and seek. AdoraBen gets a milk mustache. During a not at all manufactured moment, AdoraBen confesses that he thinks he’s unlovable and promises Kaitlyn that if she picks him as her throw away third guy, they can just talk in the Fantasy Suite. No fucking required, Kaitlyn! Oh wait, that’s where I know him from:

Pleasantville

RIP Paul Walker. So is AdoraBen a virgin? NO. Noooooooooo. No no no no no. Maybe. Virgin or “not technically” a virgin, he almost loves her.

Back to a group of dudes on a loveseat. Jared reads the next date card-Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, Nick, and Kentucky Joe get the extremely awkward group date together. Sean and Nick each take Kaitlyn aside to have their requisite “how do you feel about your feelings talks.” Sean almost loves her. Nick almost loves her. And then Joe. Poor, oblivious Joe. The last time Joe was with Kaitlyn, he almost loved her, and now that they haven’t seen each other in a week, he totally loves her. He wants to marry her. Kaitlyn gives him the look she gave Chris the Dentist before she stranded him on the Cliffs of Moher. If it weren’t bad enough that she dumps him instead of saying “I love you” back, Kaitlyn clarifies that she had to hear him say he’s in love first to be sure she that she isn’t. Finish him.

Finish Him

Joe’s gone, and she invites Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling to continue their date in private so she can tell him she boned Nick. She does, and because he’s quiet for so long, closed captioning just registers musical notes. I wonder, maybe he’s humming? Eventually, he lies says he understands, and we cut back to the remaining two guys sitting around discussing their rankings. Two guys to a loveseat? That’s not enough guys.

Then to the Rose Ceremony. Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling pulls Kaitlyn aside. He’s not sure he can accept the rose. Bullshit, Kaitlyn says. You’ll take it and you’ll like it. PMRG stays and she sends home her high school boyfriend, Jared. You know when you’re writing something and thinking something else, and you accidentally write what you’re thinking? I wrote, “high school boyfriend, Judgement.” Sorry, Terrible Facial Hair Jared. I know you’ll do some really creative journaling after this breakup.

Now there’s no one literate left to read date cards. Kaitlyn takes Nick out to compare favorite colors and discuss how hooking up in churches makes their connection spiritual. He tries to talk shit about PMRG, and when that doesn’t fly, he weasels out of the danger zone with “I just love that I can tell you anything” Bachelorette-talk. They have a probably sex-free Fantasy Suite night, but we’ll have to tune in next week to find out if any of the other guys are dumb enough to pull a Kentucky Joe and admit to totally loving her.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 8 No Take Backs

This episode starts with Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling seeking reassurance from Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn worrying he knows she slept with Nick. He puts her on the spot the same way Nick Viall called out Andi- “Remember when you snuck down to see me and told me off camera that I’d already won it? Then why are you still dating the other guys?” PMRG, you are the front-runner, but do not try to subvert the process. Not on Kaitlyn’s watch. PMRG is knocked down a peg, by a little thing I like to call Takesies backsies. “Oh yeah, I remember when I told you that you were the one, PMRG. Takesies backsies!” He spends the rest of the episode yelling, “No take backs!” to no avail.

Nick and the last of the guys whose name we never learned go for a walk. Seriously, what is his name? I swear he told us again just last week.  Anyway, Dead Man Walking:
Some Guy
Nick and Dead Man Walking go for a…walk and it’s fun to see them talk strategy. Nick’s strategy, “Vill.” Dead Man Walking’s strategy, “Lay really low. Really, really low.”

This is all followed by the unfortunately named 2 on 1 date in which JJ declares he is his own worst enemy. So on this date it will be Joe vs. JJ vs JJ, presumably facing the threat of Iocane Powder in this  field:

princess bride

Both men have a secret to share with Kaitlyn. Kentucky Joe confesses he is falling in love with her. She says thanks. JJ, who is actually a lot of people’s worst enemy, confesses that he cheated on his wife, directly leading to his divorce and split custody of his daughter. When he first said he was going to share his biggest regret, my heart raced. Was it the fight with Clint? Pairing that tie with that shirt a while back? Murdering those hookers? But cheating? Oh JJ, we sigh. We knew already. I think deep down we’ve always known, though we never wanted to admit it. JJ gets dumped, but even with him gone, Kaitlyn withholds the rose from Joe until they’ve jumped back in their boat and stranded JJ on the beach.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, AdoraBen confronts Kaitlyn. He knows something went down between Kaitlyn and PMRG. She tells AdoraBen all about Takesies Backsies, and he’s fine. Then Kaitlyn makes a “toast” that mentions making mistakes, and we get to watch Nick and PMRG panic together. Nick promises Kaitlyn he’ll tell no one they slept together and then cries. Nick kind of sounds like Kaitlyn’s Secret Boyfriend. PMRG is taunted with more cries of “takesies backsies, takesies backsies!”

At the Rose Ceremony, Ben “The Juggernaut” Z. and Dead Man Walking don’t get roses. The Juggernaut gives a very charming and emotional goodbye and honors Josh the Welder’s memory by calling Kaitlyn a beautiful girl, a cool girl, and an amazing woman. Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling is in but he has been warned.

Then Kaitlyn picks Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared for a 1 on 1 roadtrip to the Blarney Stone so she can finally play all those mix tapes he made her. After the date, Chris Harrison shows up and tells her, “Enough already with PMRG and Nick! New rules. You have to eat all your vegetables date all of the other guys before you get PMRG and Nick. In one week, she has to cut the guys down to 3, so they can have legitimate off-camera sex in the Fantasy Suites.

With three dates to go before she makes the cuts, Chris the Dentist wins the first one, a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher. There’s something about him that reminds me of Tom Cruise. I don’t know if it’s his intensity, or the jawline, or the deeply repressed homosexuality, but I like it. Kaitlyn isn’t into the date AT ALL, and eventually breaks down crying. He’s her perfect man on paper, but something’s not right. Probably the jawline. She dumps him, runs away and hops on the helicopter. He is left for dead, sobbing on the Cliffs of Moher. Sorry Cupcake, gotta get to those Fantasy Suites!