17 out of 28 of Ben’s recent girlfriends sit reunited on the Women Tell All stage, their emotions heightened by the familiar terror of farting while miked. Host Chris Harrison starts them out with a softball- Night one. What are you thinking? Caila jabbers predictably about Ben, but then the meanest Canadian alive, Jami, pivots to how immediately she hated the other women. This is the perfect segue into the Villain-bashing segment, peppered with the cartoon reactions of the tragic chorus/audience. The villains are:
Leah. Leah tries to explain herself for the whole Lauren B. incident, but no one wants to hear it. This has the pleasant effect of making her angry and confrontational with the Terrible Twos (Amber/Jami and Twins) throughout the show.
Jubilee. Lauren H., protector of the Guild of White Soccer Moms, accuses her of not fitting in. Jubilee says she repeatedly checked in with the women and no one said they had a problem with her. How to dispute this? Shushanna offers that no one likes her. Jubilee, Shushanna learned English just so she could say that to you. None of the crimes are sticking; then Amber and Jami bring up the issue of race. By calling herself “full black” or “real black,” they felt Jubilee dismissed them as not black enough, a double rejection on a show that clearly sees them as too black. I’d say The Bachelor comes just shy of putting “Black One” as a job descriptor, the way they do “Twin” and “Pantsapreneur,” so it’s pretty shitty that the only people answering for their transgressions are minorities. Jubilee apologizes graciously, and Amber accepts sort of graciously. Jami’s a dick.
After this, Jubilee is invited to the other hot seat to watch herself get dumped and then explain why she’s crying. Chris Harrison offers her this utter bullshit piece of validation:
“If nothing else,” he continues, “you are that person.” That person that human spongecake saw and understood. Oh, since the show she’s made Sergeant in the military; no word yet on Ben’s take on that. CH tells her she is appreciated despite her past, and we move on.
Lace was on this season. Oh yeah! She tells us she’s working on herself, when she is interrupted by a dangerous man that had a little work done on himself, too.
Harrison redeems himself by telling the stalker to keep his distance, and then makes the game time decision that they’re going with strip club rules. Look, don’t touch. Getting a photo of the two Lace faces together is a struggle because Chris Harrison is the man.
After this first in a series of incidents to come, Lace agrees to work on herself in Paradise.
Olivia. Brunette Whinypants accuses Olivia of cockblocking. Whatever. Brunette stayed a brunette for the show, so she clearly didn’t care about finding true love. Olivia stands trial for snarking at (m)Amanda, being more substantive than Twin 2, and trying to make Ben like her. Twins call her a bully for criticizing their appearance, and Leah points out they did the same thing. “That’s beyond the point!” shouts Twin. Brunette says if Olivia had taken the time to get to know the women, she would know that many of them can read, too. Twins nod aggressively.
Future Bachelorette Caila and Lame Duck Ben come out next, but are too boring to discuss. The real winner of the episode is the chicken enthusiast, who somehow in 6 hours of taping never got shit on by her lap bird.