Bachelorette 11, Episode 3 Nightmare Fuel

Chris Harrison sets the stage for the latest installment- Kaitlyn is grateful to ABC, and 1/3 of the guys are probably still there for Britt. We cut to the men, who gush about their mansion while we get a brief tour of their bunk beds. It’s like a game of MASH gone terribly awry.

Then we get down to it. The first group date is a boxing match, because The Bachelor/ette loves metaphors. Kaitlyn greets the men wearing pink boxing gloves (she’s a girl!) and introduces us to Laila Ali. For those of you who don’t know who Laila Ali is, Kupah clarifies that she is Muhammad Ali’s daughter. When not being identified in relation to a man, she is also an undefeated world champion boxer. The only real takeaways on this date are that Kupah is the only guy who doesn’t talk to Kaitlyn, and Ben “The Juggernaut” Z. almost kills “Terrible Facial Hair” Jared, who is 55 pounds lighter and, in Ben Z.’s defence, incredibly punchable. Jared makes the best of things, and later uses his concussion to get a kiss on his way to the hospital.

Clint gets the 1 on 1 and scores every man’s dream date, a photo shoot with a conceptual underwater photographer. He gives Kaitlyn a 10 out of 10 on the Woman Evaluation Scale. Despite this, I have to root for him a little because he drew a picture of Chris Harrison on a triceratops and is one of the few men with a realish job (architectural engineer/caricaturist).

The fun really starts back at the MANsion, when Spiritual Healer Tony, who is currently on a love competition show, ruminates that love shouldn’t be a competition. It should be “as perennial as the grass.” I suspect Tony is smoking some of that perennial love. If we thought he couldn’t top calling Kaitlyn “Britt” and then throwing out “blessed” when he couldn’t form any other words, Tony kills it in the second group date.

The men are brought before Amy Schumer to write and perform stand up routines for an audience of Bachelorette fans, Kaitlyn, and professional comediennes Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser and Bridget Everett. Tony knows there is nothing funnier he could do than be himself. In a tour de force routine full of “gratitude-respect the process-love is a journey” nonsense, Tony does an incredible Cosby impression by putting all the women to sleep. After the date he tells Kaitlyn she is like a combination lock that needs a good nipple twisting motion to open. How can he lose?

The show ends with JJ pissing everyone off and Kupah foolishly (and probably rightly) wondering aloud if he was just there as a token man of color. This rubs Kaitlyn the wrong way and she sends him home. Should JJ or Tony have been the man to get sent home early? Probably. But Kupah should have been right behind them.

Oh, and Britt and Brady? They’re dating! Or more accurately, Britt is probably receiving a steady supply of roses from President Snow as a gentle reminder that the Games aren’t over. Check your contract, Katniss. You are in this for life.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 2 Gotta See About A Girl

Well, Britt’s served her purpose (establishing that The Bachelorette’s looks will be evaluated on a classic 1-10 scale). Chris Harrison™ gives her the bad news that she’s going home aaaaaaas ssssssssllllllowwwllllyyy aaaaasss posssiiiiibbblllleee, and The Show graciously gives her plenty of time to cry and thank them for “the opportunity” (to parlay this into DWTS). He sees her to the car, and I am again struck by what a professional he is. You have chosen your apprentice wisely, Mr. Miscavige.

Chris Harrison then tells Kaitlyn, also needlessly slowly, that she’s the lucky lady! At least 13 of the 24 men in there might want to be with her. She asks if Britt’s okay, and I actually buy it. She’s a decent person. Also, she is buzzing hard and clearly ready to party, but CH promptly shames her into a few minutes of deep (and grateful) introspection. Honor the process, Kaitlyn.

While the pro-Kaitlyn men swarm her at the cocktail party, the Britt supporters gather and regroup. Tony the Healer realizes he has to reevaluate a majorly dumb life decision.  No, not that one, the one about choosing Britt. Actually, I’m pretty sure he said he was thinking about just going home and masturbating (“There’s only one drinking fountain and we all must stand in the same line. But I’m almost ready to go home and just dig my own well”). Poor Emo Music Guy reveals he’s been feeling a lot of feelings, ranging from really, really sad to sad but #blessed.

Ian is eager and attentive, but Kaitlyn’s mind is still on her win. An iron rose from The Professional Welder catches her attention and leads to some involuntary Kegels. JJ reveals to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, but somehow she ends up reassuring him of her interest. But it is The Dentist, who in my head is always giving the guns, that nabs the first kiss. The house full of nosy old biddies grown ass men peep from behind the curtains, and Tony comes through with “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” Ultimately though, it’s Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling who wins the day, getting pulled aside for the First Impression Rose and The Dentist’s minty fresh sloppy seconds.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone you think will make it does, plus some Britt supporters, but it’s Emo Music Guy who steals the show. In a charming display of romance and totally misreading Britt’s type, he races off to quote Good Will Hunting to her (in this scenario, Emo Music Guy is the abuse survivor math genius from South Boston). After she gives him the obligatory on-camera coffee date, he will return to his parents’ basement where he will write songs for Britt that will one day be immortalized in the paperwork of her restraining order.

Finally, we look ahead to the rest of the season. Britt will get to cry on air at least one more time. Kaitlyn will have sex with one of her maybe future husbands, forcing ABC to renegotiate her dowry. And Nick comes back!!! This is my first Bachelorette season, but that sounds BIG. Nick is back, people.

Bachelorette 11, Episode 1 And They’re Off!

The Bachelorette Season 11 starts, of course, with Britt and Kaitlyn and their thinly veiled distaste for each other.  ABC very neatly summarizes them for the two people who watch The Bachelorette but not The Bachelor- Kaitlyn is the wild one! Britt is gorgeous and not that crazy!

Got it?  Time for the limos full of other women’s hilarious mistakes to pull up. One guy is a stripper! This character does yoga! There’s even an Emo Music Guy! Have you completely lost your lady boner? Me too. The fun here is imagining what one interest or recent tragedy you’d use to identify yourself.

And then there’s Chris Harrison.  I really love Chris Harrison.  I assumed he had a more cynical take than he was letting on, but now I think differently. He’s no worldly Jeff Probst, an insider outsider host on his own fight-to-the-death/white-people-creating-problems-where-there-aren’t-any show. No. Chris Harrison is a romantic. When he announced his book at the end of The Bachelor, I thought, “This man believes in The Bachelor. He is all in.” Of course, I assume The Bachelor/ette as a suborder of Scientology, like the Sea Org. Chris Harrison is not only all in, he probably also can’t get out. Blink twice if you need help.

And then Ryan gets loud drunk, and we all play the “is he an actor?” game at home.

Then filler filler filler, except for a brief moment where one of the contestants (the white one with big muscles and an absolutely blank slate of a personality) breaks the fourth wall and wonders whether it is in his interests to vote for whomever he likes best, or who likes him best. Good thing you’re all still indistinguishable from each other, Machianonymous.

There are the occasional moments of seeing how connections are made, like when JJ calls Britt a 15 out of 10 smoke show.  Despite a first impression based on observing months of her behavior, Britt is so smoking hot that JJ changes his mind about her. Try smoke and mirrors show, JJ, amIright? Emo Music Guy also grades Britt’s looks on a scale, but he gives her a billion out of 10. That is 999,999,985 more than JJ gave her. Not that it really matters, it’s Shawn B.’s/Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling’s to lose.

Drunk Ryan gets increasingly out of control and lots of guys make the show of confronting him, locking horns for a bit and then conveniently coming to the conclusion that “it’s not worth it.” (It isn’t). And then Ryan slaps Kaitlyn’s ass, and it’s clear he’s not coming back from this one. Chris Harrison for the win!!! He sends Ryan home; the car is already pulled up and the focus is back on assigning these women their value.

The votes are tallied, and though they try to leave it with a cliffhanger, I think we all know. Bye Britt. See ya never.