Nick tells Jen her giggle is his favorite thing about her. That’s kind of an “Oh shit” moment for Nick, and he decides he’d better sober up and get to know her. Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast from one episode of Don’t Worry About It‘s season, is last to arrive in Paradise. Nick swoops her, but only to sweet talk her out of a date card. Tiara starts a tab with Jorge and Nick and Jen head to a carnival. They go on rides, play “pop-a-shot,” and review the terms of their contract.
Nick and Jen go see a fortune teller for a Tarot reading. They flip cards suggesting Temperance, but Nick prefers to flip red cups. The fortune teller repeatedly advises Jen to be cautious, but if she doesn’t react well, he’ll end up marrying a Jane Eyre-type.
Back at the beach, this is how Brett dumps Izzy. First, he takes Lauren aside to lock down his alternate, and they kiss. Then he takes Izzy aside, tells her they’re friends, but he didn’t come here for friends. He’s with Lauren now. Got it? When Vinny was saying he should leave, Izzy threw her arms around his neck and told him to stay. When she tells Brett she should leave, he tells her it’s a great idea. On the ride out of Paradise, Izzy coincidentally remembers and falls back in love with Vinny. She calls him for a second chance, but there’s some static on his end of the line and Izzy, …chshchshsh…did you…cshshcsh?? I can’t…schcshch…believe…scsh…. Dial tone.
One day into her one day vacation, Tiara eats the chickens that disappointed her and watches the sunset.
The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is designed to allow Wells to kiss more women than he ever thought possible. Three. Wells evaluates the contestants vying for his rose. Sweet Jami thinks he’s an intellectual, and Wells says he feels “comfortable” with her. Comfortable like a slipper, or a favorite chair, or other things you are unlikely to marry. Ashley, however, makes IntellectuWells deeply uncomfortable. He says, “I’ve been excited to get to know you and to find out that you are
What an efficient neg-way into an insecure kiss. Before he can complete his triathaspawn, Wells loses Shushanna to self-respect. The casting director really should have screened for that. Shushanna, a bilingual mathematician that spent their date saying Wells was there to protect her and made her feel like she could do anything, is all out of ideas. She leaves getting dumped to the experts, and goes home. During the Rose Ceremony, Brett also pulls himself out of the running and Wells picks Ashley. All the newbies go home, and the final couples breathe a temporary sigh of relief.
After the ceremony, Chris Harrison looks directly at me and says:
He reminds the couples that a sponsored proposal to a stranger is a sacred undertaking. This responsibility weighs heavily on Wells, whose frame can barely support more than a light weave t-shirt. Meanwhile, everyone collaborated on what Ashley can do with a hymen still in its original packaging,
Wells plots his escape. He has most of the lines in their dumping scene, but she face-acts the hell out of it. It’s like Kate Hudson at the end of Almost Famous, but for five minutes longer. Wells goes home, and Ashley follows (just a habit).
The remaining couples are Grant and Lace, Nick and Jen, Carly and Evan, and (m)Amanda and Josh. This is their last chance to reminisce over their first on-camera sex, or start the fight that ends it all. Grant and Lace each decide to tattoo their celebrity couple name, “Grace,” on one wrist. He’s going to regret that way less than his “GroJo” tattoo. Lace thinks that her tat would also look good embroidered on guest towels, and decides they need to get engaged so she can register for some. Each physical and legal contract she enters into buys them about three additional months together.
Carly and Nice Guise Evan go on a body paint date. This involves Evan stripping down to white briefs, and painting “Evan’s” across Carly’s chest. This happens:
Carly feels liberated. Liberated from free will. She rewrites recent and documented history, suggesting she pushed Evan away because of anything other than revulsion.
Josh brings pizzas to a kids’ soccer game, proving to (m)Amanda that he’s ready to be a father. Here’s the post-date recap:
Amanda: Today was really fun.
Josh: It was really fun. It was. That’s the kind of stuff I enjoy.
Amanda: It was really fun.
Josh: I thought it was the best one yet. Yeah.
Amanda: It was.
Josh: And we’ve had some good dates and some good times, but definitely gonna remember today for sure. Seeing the future and the kids out there playing, I like a simple life like that.
It sure is.