Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 10 Love Quadrangle

Nick tells Jen her giggle is his favorite thing about her. That’s kind of an “Oh shit” moment for Nick, and he decides he’d better sober up and get to know her. Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast from one episode of Don’t Worry About It‘s season, is last to arrive in Paradise. Nick swoops her, but only to sweet talk her out of a date card. Tiara starts a tab with Jorge and Nick and Jen head to a carnival. They go on rides, play “pop-a-shot,” and review the terms of their contract.

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Nick and Jen go see a fortune teller for a Tarot reading. They flip cards suggesting Temperance, but Nick prefers to flip red cups. The fortune teller repeatedly advises Jen to be cautious, but if she doesn’t react well, he’ll end up marrying a Jane Eyre-type.

Back at the beach, this is how Brett dumps Izzy. First, he takes Lauren aside to lock down his alternate, and they kiss. Then he takes Izzy aside, tells her they’re friends, but he didn’t come here for friends. He’s with Lauren now. Got it? When Vinny was saying he should leave, Izzy threw her arms around his neck and told him to stay. When she tells Brett she should leave, he tells her it’s a great idea. On the ride out of Paradise, Izzy coincidentally remembers and falls back in love with Vinny. She calls him for a second chance, but there’s some static on his end of the line and Izzy, …chshchshsh…did you…cshshcsh?? I can’t…schcshch…believe…scsh…. Dial tone.

One day into her one day vacation, Tiara eats the chickens that disappointed her and watches the sunset.

The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is designed to allow Wells to kiss more women than he ever thought possible. Three. Wells evaluates the contestants vying for his rose. Sweet Jami thinks he’s an intellectual, and Wells says he feels “comfortable” with her. Comfortable like a slipper, or a favorite chair, or other things you are unlikely to marry. Ashley, however, makes IntellectuWells deeply uncomfortable. He says, “I’ve been excited to get to know you and to find out that you are

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What an efficient neg-way into an insecure kiss. Before he can complete his triathaspawn, Wells loses Shushanna to self-respect. The casting director really should have screened for that. Shushanna, a bilingual mathematician that spent their date saying Wells was there to protect her and made her feel like she could do anything, is all out of ideas. She leaves getting dumped to the experts, and goes home. During the Rose Ceremony, Brett also pulls himself out of the running and Wells picks Ashley. All the newbies go home, and the final couples breathe a temporary sigh of relief.

After the ceremony, Chris Harrison looks directly at me and says:

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He reminds the couples that a sponsored proposal to a stranger is a sacred undertaking. This responsibility weighs heavily on Wells, whose frame can barely support more than a light weave t-shirt. Meanwhile, everyone collaborated on what Ashley can do with a hymen still in its original packaging,

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Wells plots his escape. He has most of the lines in their dumping scene, but she face-acts the hell out of it. It’s like Kate Hudson at the end of Almost Famous, but for five minutes longer. Wells goes home, and Ashley follows (just a habit).

The remaining couples are Grant and Lace, Nick and Jen, Carly and Evan, and (m)Amanda and Josh. This is their last chance to reminisce over their first on-camera sex, or start the fight that ends it all. Grant and Lace each decide to tattoo their celebrity couple name, “Grace,” on one wrist. He’s going to regret that way less than his “GroJo” tattoo. Lace thinks that her tat would also look good embroidered on guest towels, and decides they need to get engaged so she can register for some. Each physical and legal contract she enters into buys them about three additional months together.

Carly and Nice Guise Evan go on a body paint date. This involves Evan stripping down to white briefs, and painting “Evan’s” across Carly’s chest. This happens:

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Carly feels liberated. Liberated from free will. She rewrites recent and documented history, suggesting she pushed Evan away because of anything other than revulsion.

Josh brings pizzas to a kids’ soccer game, proving to (m)Amanda that he’s ready to be a father. Here’s the post-date recap:

Amanda: Today was really fun.
Josh: It was really fun. It was. That’s the kind of stuff I enjoy.
Amanda: It was really fun.
Josh: I thought it was the best one yet. Yeah.
Amanda: It was.
Josh: And we’ve had some good dates and some good times, but definitely gonna remember today for sure. Seeing the future and the kids out there playing, I like a simple life like that.

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It sure is.

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Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 9 Normal Average Boring Person

Caila informs Everyone’s Boyfriend that she is leaving Paradise, like it was her idea. He asks if he can go with her. What Caila really wants is someone whose feelings for her are halfway between Ashley’s venom and Their Boyfriend’s enthusiasm, but the closest thing Paradise has to a moderate is Nick, and he’s busy leading on Jen. Leaving with Everybody’s Boyfriend is Caila’s second best option, but it is a packageable story and they can always break up 6 weeks later (Spoiler Alert – they break up six weeks later). It is too bad that we’ll  never get to see the offspring of these two recessive human beings. Who knows if they’d even be visible? Everybody’s Boyfriend sets Ashley to a low simmer, then chases down Caila’s getaway car.*

Wells and Jami return from their date, and Ashley asks Wells to describe it to her. Everyone considers this Ashley at peak sanity.

Lauren, a kindergarten teacher from Ben’s season, arrives and likes Izzy’s Lamp. She and the other new arrival, Shushanna, decide to take Floor Lamp and floor lamp-shaped man, Wells, on a surf lesson double date. Lamp is delighted to trade in his past two brunettes for a blonde. He asks Lauren about herself, and she replies that she is too boring to discuss. Maybe she’s intimidated by how hilarious he is.

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Lauren is too much of a lady to give anything away about herself, so she sticks to calling Lamp attractive. Ignore me, let’s talk about you. Uh oh, it looks like Izzy will have a free outlet tonight.

Evan’s boner gets a walk on role that I’d rather not invest more time on. He tucks up, then neatly transitions into the Josh/Nick drama.

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Say that with a French accent, and it looks like a cartoon jewel heist is about to go down. What follows is Josh and Amanda feasting on hot platitudes and lukewarm sentiments.

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Wells, who has clearly never seen Big Love, follows up on his date with Shushanna by hooking up with both Ashley and Jami. He needs to draw up a schedule before feelings get hurt.

*Someone please check that Jared actually left the show, so in 50 years we won’t find his rotting corpse and a long gray eyelash in some Rose For Emily situation.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 8 Not Enough Boom Boom Rooms

Ashley and Twins are stone cold assassins.

Doe-eyed Prell Girl, Caila, decides to confront Ashley, the teary VIB Rouge who turns out to be Keyser Söze. Caila wants Keyser to stop trash talking her to Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Then Everyone’s Boyfriend takes aside Keyser to say he’ll string her along for as long as she’ll let him. This is a game of chicken that you will not win, Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Keyser’s steady stream of Jared tears are only interrupted by tears for her dead dog, Lucy. Red flag! Dead and death-proximal dogs are the animal familiars of this season’s villains. Ashley prays to Dog for spiritual guidance. Dog sends Wells, a canine-loving, joke-cracking DJ with the body of a concave Gumby doll, but otherwise incredible luck.

As soon as Wells joins this pantless game of musical chairs, everyone directs him towards Ashley, an eligible recliner.  He asks her on a date, and Caila and Everybody’s Boyfriend breathe a sigh of relief and tell a camera they don’t think Keyser Söze exists. On her date, Ashley tells professional DJ Wells that her favorite band is Hanson, but he is determined to kiss her anyway, just like he’s been practicing all summer. Good on you, Wells. On the way home, they set a child’s kite on fire and make a wish.

Lace pushes Grant away, possibly because he keeps stealing her pants.

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Just go with it, Lace, he’s kind of pulling it off.

In other drama, (m)Amanda betrays Josh by offering their semi-private boning room to Nick and the brunette he’ll propose to. Josh would prefer not to share his bed with a brunette or Nick ever again. Unfortunately, (m)Amanda is fast asleep elsewhere, and Josh has to grab his anti-bed sweating fan and go.

The next day is the Rose Ceremony, preceded by the Cocktail Party fashion hour. Nick sizzles in his unbuttoned denim top. Evan pairs a tuxedo shirt and shorts, secure in the knowledge that he can convince Carly to like anything. Carly, in her red lace romper and matching arm tubes, really does like anything.

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Daniel makes a play for 3 roses. Twins politely accept his homemade jewelry and fried foods, while Izzy cleverly uses his floor lamp gift to nudge Brett into fighting for her. Then Twins take aside Nick to investigate Bedgate. They are his protégées, and seek permission to use what he’s taught them to destroy Josh. Permission granted.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone picks who they’re supposed to…until Twins. They’re last up, deciding between Daniel, Carl, and I honestly can’t remember the last guy’s name. No, it is not worth looking up. Only one man has to go home. The Twins, however, aren’t impressed with any of them. Backed up against the ledge of a roof, Twins jump off backwards, guns blazing, taking as many men as they can down with them. It wouldn’t be right to let you guys stay, bang bang bang. On their way out the door, they pull aside (m)Amanda. Josh’s intentions are impure. Trust us. Bang. As they turn away from Paradise, Twin pulls a pin out of a grenade and tosses it behind her. Nick told us. BANG. Holy shit, it’s a bloodbath.

(m)Amanda has no idea what’s going on, but tells Josh he has been accused of villainy. This infuriates Josh, who assembles the team to inform them of his cancer dog. Animal. Familiar. No actual accusations are made for (m)Amanda to follow up on, so she dismisses the charges and life goes on.

DJ Wells is the only one up when Jami arrives the next morning. They are both awake and into broadcast journalism, so Jami asks him on a date. When Ashley finally wakes up, everyone is impressed that she isn’t upset about Wells. This is no great sign of maturity, guys. She just doesn’t care about him, and is excited to have an excuse to consult Everyone’s Boyfriend.

Ashley meets with Caila to renegotiate her p.d.a. rights. Caila says it’s hard to date Everyone’s Boyfriend with another woman who loves him there. Ashley expertly treats this accusation like it was a confession. “I would feel guilty, too.” Caila is not sure what’s happening. Ashley is just starting to have fun. “It’s just hard for you to stay here.”

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Caila, thinks she can just get up and walk away from Paradise, Everybody’s Boyfriend in tow, but Ashley knows The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. They won’t get far.