Bachelorette 11, Episode 3 Nightmare Fuel

Chris Harrison sets the stage for the latest installment- Kaitlyn is grateful to ABC, and 1/3 of the guys are probably still there for Britt. We cut to the men, who gush about their mansion while we get a brief tour of their bunk beds. It’s like a game of MASH gone terribly awry.

Then we get down to it. The first group date is a boxing match, because The Bachelor/ette loves metaphors. Kaitlyn greets the men wearing pink boxing gloves (she’s a girl!) and introduces us to Laila Ali. For those of you who don’t know who Laila Ali is, Kupah clarifies that she is Muhammad Ali’s daughter. When not being identified in relation to a man, she is also an undefeated world champion boxer. The only real takeaways on this date are that Kupah is the only guy who doesn’t talk to Kaitlyn, and Ben “The Juggernaut” Z. almost kills “Terrible Facial Hair” Jared, who is 55 pounds lighter and, in Ben Z.’s defence, incredibly punchable. Jared makes the best of things, and later uses his concussion to get a kiss on his way to the hospital.

Clint gets the 1 on 1 and scores every man’s dream date, a photo shoot with a conceptual underwater photographer. He gives Kaitlyn a 10 out of 10 on the Woman Evaluation Scale. Despite this, I have to root for him a little because he drew a picture of Chris Harrison on a triceratops and is one of the few men with a realish job (architectural engineer/caricaturist).

The fun really starts back at the MANsion, when Spiritual Healer Tony, who is currently on a love competition show, ruminates that love shouldn’t be a competition. It should be “as perennial as the grass.” I suspect Tony is smoking some of that perennial love. If we thought he couldn’t top calling Kaitlyn “Britt” and then throwing out “blessed” when he couldn’t form any other words, Tony kills it in the second group date.

The men are brought before Amy Schumer to write and perform stand up routines for an audience of Bachelorette fans, Kaitlyn, and professional comediennes Schumer, Rachel Feinstein, Nikki Glaser and Bridget Everett. Tony knows there is nothing funnier he could do than be himself. In a tour de force routine full of “gratitude-respect the process-love is a journey” nonsense, Tony does an incredible Cosby impression by putting all the women to sleep. After the date he tells Kaitlyn she is like a combination lock that needs a good nipple twisting motion to open. How can he lose?

The show ends with JJ pissing everyone off and Kupah foolishly (and probably rightly) wondering aloud if he was just there as a token man of color. This rubs Kaitlyn the wrong way and she sends him home. Should JJ or Tony have been the man to get sent home early? Probably. But Kupah should have been right behind them.

Oh, and Britt and Brady? They’re dating! Or more accurately, Britt is probably receiving a steady supply of roses from President Snow as a gentle reminder that the Games aren’t over. Check your contract, Katniss. You are in this for life.

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