Well, Britt’s served her purpose (establishing that The Bachelorette’s looks will be evaluated on a classic 1-10 scale). Chris Harrison™ gives her the bad news that she’s going home aaaaaaas ssssssssllllllowwwllllyyy aaaaasss posssiiiiibbblllleee, and The Show graciously gives her plenty of time to cry and thank them for “the opportunity” (to parlay this into DWTS). He sees her to the car, and I am again struck by what a professional he is. You have chosen your apprentice wisely, Mr. Miscavige.
Chris Harrison then tells Kaitlyn, also needlessly slowly, that she’s the lucky lady! At least 13 of the 24 men in there might want to be with her. She asks if Britt’s okay, and I actually buy it. She’s a decent person. Also, she is buzzing hard and clearly ready to party, but CH promptly shames her into a few minutes of deep (and grateful) introspection. Honor the process, Kaitlyn.
While the pro-Kaitlyn men swarm her at the cocktail party, the Britt supporters gather and regroup. Tony the Healer realizes he has to reevaluate a majorly dumb life decision. No, not that one, the one about choosing Britt. Actually, I’m pretty sure he said he was thinking about just going home and masturbating (“There’s only one drinking fountain and we all must stand in the same line. But I’m almost ready to go home and just dig my own well”). Poor Emo Music Guy reveals he’s been feeling a lot of feelings, ranging from really, really sad to sad but #blessed.
Ian is eager and attentive, but Kaitlyn’s mind is still on her win. An iron rose from The Professional Welder catches her attention and leads to some involuntary Kegels. JJ reveals to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, but somehow she ends up reassuring him of her interest. But it is The Dentist, who in my head is always giving the guns, that nabs the first kiss. The house full of
nosy old biddies grown ass men peep from behind the curtains, and Tony comes through with “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” Ultimately though, it’s Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling who wins the day, getting pulled aside for the First Impression Rose and The Dentist’s minty fresh sloppy seconds.
At the Rose Ceremony, everyone you think will make it does, plus some Britt supporters, but it’s Emo Music Guy who steals the show. In a charming display of romance and totally misreading Britt’s type, he races off to quote Good Will Hunting to her (in this scenario, Emo Music Guy is the abuse survivor math genius from South Boston). After she gives him the obligatory on-camera coffee date, he will return to his parents’ basement where he will write songs for Britt that will one day be immortalized in the paperwork of her restraining order.
Finally, we look ahead to the rest of the season. Britt will get to cry on air at least one more time. Kaitlyn will have sex with one of her maybe future husbands, forcing ABC to renegotiate her dowry. And Nick comes back!!! This is my first Bachelorette season, but that sounds BIG. Nick is back, people.