Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 10 Love Quadrangle

Nick tells Jen her giggle is his favorite thing about her. That’s kind of an “Oh shit” moment for Nick, and he decides he’d better sober up and get to know her. Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast from one episode of Don’t Worry About It‘s season, is last to arrive in Paradise. Nick swoops her, but only to sweet talk her out of a date card. Tiara starts a tab with Jorge and Nick and Jen head to a carnival. They go on rides, play “pop-a-shot,” and review the terms of their contract.

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Nick and Jen go see a fortune teller for a Tarot reading. They flip cards suggesting Temperance, but Nick prefers to flip red cups. The fortune teller repeatedly advises Jen to be cautious, but if she doesn’t react well, he’ll end up marrying a Jane Eyre-type.

Back at the beach, this is how Brett dumps Izzy. First, he takes Lauren aside to lock down his alternate, and they kiss. Then he takes Izzy aside, tells her they’re friends, but he didn’t come here for friends. He’s with Lauren now. Got it? When Vinny was saying he should leave, Izzy threw her arms around his neck and told him to stay. When she tells Brett she should leave, he tells her it’s a great idea. On the ride out of Paradise, Izzy coincidentally remembers and falls back in love with Vinny. She calls him for a second chance, but there’s some static on his end of the line and Izzy, …chshchshsh…did you…cshshcsh?? I can’t…schcshch…believe…scsh…. Dial tone.

One day into her one day vacation, Tiara eats the chickens that disappointed her and watches the sunset.

The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is designed to allow Wells to kiss more women than he ever thought possible. Three. Wells evaluates the contestants vying for his rose. Sweet Jami thinks he’s an intellectual, and Wells says he feels “comfortable” with her. Comfortable like a slipper, or a favorite chair, or other things you are unlikely to marry. Ashley, however, makes IntellectuWells deeply uncomfortable. He says, “I’ve been excited to get to know you and to find out that you are

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What an efficient neg-way into an insecure kiss. Before he can complete his triathaspawn, Wells loses Shushanna to self-respect. The casting director really should have screened for that. Shushanna, a bilingual mathematician that spent their date saying Wells was there to protect her and made her feel like she could do anything, is all out of ideas. She leaves getting dumped to the experts, and goes home. During the Rose Ceremony, Brett also pulls himself out of the running and Wells picks Ashley. All the newbies go home, and the final couples breathe a temporary sigh of relief.

After the ceremony, Chris Harrison looks directly at me and says:

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He reminds the couples that a sponsored proposal to a stranger is a sacred undertaking. This responsibility weighs heavily on Wells, whose frame can barely support more than a light weave t-shirt. Meanwhile, everyone collaborated on what Ashley can do with a hymen still in its original packaging,

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Wells plots his escape. He has most of the lines in their dumping scene, but she face-acts the hell out of it. It’s like Kate Hudson at the end of Almost Famous, but for five minutes longer. Wells goes home, and Ashley follows (just a habit).

The remaining couples are Grant and Lace, Nick and Jen, Carly and Evan, and (m)Amanda and Josh. This is their last chance to reminisce over their first on-camera sex, or start the fight that ends it all. Grant and Lace each decide to tattoo their celebrity couple name, “Grace,” on one wrist. He’s going to regret that way less than his “GroJo” tattoo. Lace thinks that her tat would also look good embroidered on guest towels, and decides they need to get engaged so she can register for some. Each physical and legal contract she enters into buys them about three additional months together.

Carly and Nice Guise Evan go on a body paint date. This involves Evan stripping down to white briefs, and painting “Evan’s” across Carly’s chest. This happens:

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Carly feels liberated. Liberated from free will. She rewrites recent and documented history, suggesting she pushed Evan away because of anything other than revulsion.

Josh brings pizzas to a kids’ soccer game, proving to (m)Amanda that he’s ready to be a father. Here’s the post-date recap:

Amanda: Today was really fun.
Josh: It was really fun. It was. That’s the kind of stuff I enjoy.
Amanda: It was really fun.
Josh: I thought it was the best one yet. Yeah.
Amanda: It was.
Josh: And we’ve had some good dates and some good times, but definitely gonna remember today for sure. Seeing the future and the kids out there playing, I like a simple life like that.

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It sure is.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 9 Normal Average Boring Person

Caila informs Everyone’s Boyfriend that she is leaving Paradise, like it was her idea. He asks if he can go with her. What Caila really wants is someone whose feelings for her are halfway between Ashley’s venom and Their Boyfriend’s enthusiasm, but the closest thing Paradise has to a moderate is Nick, and he’s busy leading on Jen. Leaving with Everybody’s Boyfriend is Caila’s second best option, but it is a packageable story and they can always break up 6 weeks later (Spoiler Alert – they break up six weeks later). It is too bad that we’ll  never get to see the offspring of these two recessive human beings. Who knows if they’d even be visible? Everybody’s Boyfriend sets Ashley to a low simmer, then chases down Caila’s getaway car.*

Wells and Jami return from their date, and Ashley asks Wells to describe it to her. Everyone considers this Ashley at peak sanity.

Lauren, a kindergarten teacher from Ben’s season, arrives and likes Izzy’s Lamp. She and the other new arrival, Shushanna, decide to take Floor Lamp and floor lamp-shaped man, Wells, on a surf lesson double date. Lamp is delighted to trade in his past two brunettes for a blonde. He asks Lauren about herself, and she replies that she is too boring to discuss. Maybe she’s intimidated by how hilarious he is.

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Lauren is too much of a lady to give anything away about herself, so she sticks to calling Lamp attractive. Ignore me, let’s talk about you. Uh oh, it looks like Izzy will have a free outlet tonight.

Evan’s boner gets a walk on role that I’d rather not invest more time on. He tucks up, then neatly transitions into the Josh/Nick drama.

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Say that with a French accent, and it looks like a cartoon jewel heist is about to go down. What follows is Josh and Amanda feasting on hot platitudes and lukewarm sentiments.

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Wells, who has clearly never seen Big Love, follows up on his date with Shushanna by hooking up with both Ashley and Jami. He needs to draw up a schedule before feelings get hurt.

*Someone please check that Jared actually left the show, so in 50 years we won’t find his rotting corpse and a long gray eyelash in some Rose For Emily situation.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 8 Not Enough Boom Boom Rooms

Ashley and Twins are stone cold assassins.

Doe-eyed Prell Girl, Caila, decides to confront Ashley, the teary VIB Rouge who turns out to be Keyser Söze. Caila wants Keyser to stop trash talking her to Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Then Everyone’s Boyfriend takes aside Keyser to say he’ll string her along for as long as she’ll let him. This is a game of chicken that you will not win, Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Keyser’s steady stream of Jared tears are only interrupted by tears for her dead dog, Lucy. Red flag! Dead and death-proximal dogs are the animal familiars of this season’s villains. Ashley prays to Dog for spiritual guidance. Dog sends Wells, a canine-loving, joke-cracking DJ with the body of a concave Gumby doll, but otherwise incredible luck.

As soon as Wells joins this pantless game of musical chairs, everyone directs him towards Ashley, an eligible recliner.  He asks her on a date, and Caila and Everybody’s Boyfriend breathe a sigh of relief and tell a camera they don’t think Keyser Söze exists. On her date, Ashley tells professional DJ Wells that her favorite band is Hanson, but he is determined to kiss her anyway, just like he’s been practicing all summer. Good on you, Wells. On the way home, they set a child’s kite on fire and make a wish.

Lace pushes Grant away, possibly because he keeps stealing her pants.

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Just go with it, Lace, he’s kind of pulling it off.

In other drama, (m)Amanda betrays Josh by offering their semi-private boning room to Nick and the brunette he’ll propose to. Josh would prefer not to share his bed with a brunette or Nick ever again. Unfortunately, (m)Amanda is fast asleep elsewhere, and Josh has to grab his anti-bed sweating fan and go.

The next day is the Rose Ceremony, preceded by the Cocktail Party fashion hour. Nick sizzles in his unbuttoned denim top. Evan pairs a tuxedo shirt and shorts, secure in the knowledge that he can convince Carly to like anything. Carly, in her red lace romper and matching arm tubes, really does like anything.

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Daniel makes a play for 3 roses. Twins politely accept his homemade jewelry and fried foods, while Izzy cleverly uses his floor lamp gift to nudge Brett into fighting for her. Then Twins take aside Nick to investigate Bedgate. They are his protégées, and seek permission to use what he’s taught them to destroy Josh. Permission granted.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone picks who they’re supposed to…until Twins. They’re last up, deciding between Daniel, Carl, and I honestly can’t remember the last guy’s name. No, it is not worth looking up. Only one man has to go home. The Twins, however, aren’t impressed with any of them. Backed up against the ledge of a roof, Twins jump off backwards, guns blazing, taking as many men as they can down with them. It wouldn’t be right to let you guys stay, bang bang bang. On their way out the door, they pull aside (m)Amanda. Josh’s intentions are impure. Trust us. Bang. As they turn away from Paradise, Twin pulls a pin out of a grenade and tosses it behind her. Nick told us. BANG. Holy shit, it’s a bloodbath.

(m)Amanda has no idea what’s going on, but tells Josh he has been accused of villainy. This infuriates Josh, who assembles the team to inform them of his cancer dog. Animal. Familiar. No actual accusations are made for (m)Amanda to follow up on, so she dismisses the charges and life goes on.

DJ Wells is the only one up when Jami arrives the next morning. They are both awake and into broadcast journalism, so Jami asks him on a date. When Ashley finally wakes up, everyone is impressed that she isn’t upset about Wells. This is no great sign of maturity, guys. She just doesn’t care about him, and is excited to have an excuse to consult Everyone’s Boyfriend.

Ashley meets with Caila to renegotiate her p.d.a. rights. Caila says it’s hard to date Everyone’s Boyfriend with another woman who loves him there. Ashley expertly treats this accusation like it was a confession. “I would feel guilty, too.” Caila is not sure what’s happening. Ashley is just starting to have fun. “It’s just hard for you to stay here.”

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Caila, thinks she can just get up and walk away from Paradise, Everybody’s Boyfriend in tow, but Ashley knows The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. They won’t get far.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 7 Struggle Bus

Vinny and Izzy break up over Lamp. Vinny leaves the show, and his raw man pain affects everyone. Evan expresses sympathy, though I doubt he really respects any man who can’t con a woman into liking him. The cast pulls funeral faces, collectively mourning a relationship of three weeks, predicated on tequila and required bathing suit time.

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Then we welcome back newlyweds Jade and Tanner, a Bachelor In Paradise success story that began when Ashley called dibs on Jared, forcing Jade to date her second choice. They return because ABC owns them, and they are quickly put to work evaluating the couples to determine who should win a bonus date.

This is how Tanner sums up the couples: Evan likes Carly, and she is trying her best to like him back. Lace hasn’t said I love you back to Grant, which is a concern. Josh is a crazy person with an ulterior motive. Nick should let himself get hurt again. Lastly, Tanner thinks his friend, Everyone’s Boyfriend, has earned a Caila. In a move surprising no one, Tanner’s friend and Caila win the date! After agreeing that Ashley is holding them back, they strip to their underwear and fool around knee deep in a stream.

The next day, Carly tells us Evan is asexual, only to have Twins, in coordinating rompers, announce that Evan has a Sweat Lodge Date Card. Evan escorts Carly to a confined area, dehydrates her, and the men overseeing this ritual profess to see hearts in the steaming rocks. Carly and Evan make out, and she is one of several women that compliments Evan by saying she is surprised to like him at all.

Meanwhile, Ashley details all the ways she is manipulating Everybody’s Boyfriend into distrusting Caila. Everyone’s Boyfriend mentions to Caila some insecurities that Ashley planted, which forces the women into a confrontation. Everybody’s Boyfriend is thrilled.
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Caila has been tricked into a bidding war over someone she “70% likes,” and Ashley is the wingman you didn’t know you needed.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 6 I Can’t Compete With A Cake

Ashley I. sobs uncontrollably to Everybody’s Boyfriend, the gray lump of clay onto whom she’s projected a personality. She waxes on about his supposed character traits and implores him to love her back, begging when she should be negging.

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Everybody’s Boyfriend stares at his lap and suggests that this was not the best place for her to get over him. He picks Caila. Caila is another gray lump of clay, with the hair of a goddess and the sexual energy of a wild cat, if you’re into fucking wild cats. He picked Caila before he met her, he picks her now, and will continue to pick Caila in a couple weeks when she’s dating someone else.

Everyone’s Boyfriend takes Caila aside to assure her of his devotion. Caila is just now realizing that the cost of beating another woman to a guy is actually being with that guy. Everyone’s Boyfriend kisses her, and she replies, “Well, I’m glad that you feel good, and appreciate your time.” Caila thinks her real purpose here is to help Ashley move on, just like that train did for Anna Karenina.

Then Carly tells Evan, an unwanted erection lasting more than four hours, that maybe she’s the one with the dysfunction. They kiss, and the unfunny prequel to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is born.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, Daniel is the man with a rose to spare. Sarah offers him a homemade half birthday cake and Scary Twin offers him Weak Twin. Ashley I. just drips mucus and mulls Daniel’s advice to sleep with people in increments of ten until one loves her. At the Rose Ceremony, Daniel chooses Twins, who are like the parasitic demon from Fallen that will survive as long as there’s a living host nearby.

Sarah goes home, and Ashley doesn’t. Ashley was born for this show, and will go home whenever she wants. She declares that she is ready to move on from Everybody’s Boyfriend, and asks the group if she can come back. Of course she can.

The power is back with the women now, and new dudes with date cards Carl and Brett come on to tempt them away. No one can remember Carl’s name, including Carly,

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but Twin is into him anyway, and he offers her one half of a double date. Brett brings a lamp on the show with him, a remember-me-gimmick for a deeply unmemorable man. Upon seeing Lamp, Izzy’s vagina explodes. Unfortunately for her, Lamp is a hairstylist, and favors mermaid-haired lump of clay, Caila. CaiLump is a Stepford Girlfriend with her switch set to yes, and agrees to date Lamp. Then agrees to stay back with Everybody’s Boyfriend, then agrees to the Lamp date again. Then she publicly declines the date, then privately accepts. Then says no again. Then yes. She’s yessing to Lamp when the date leaves, so Lump ends up on the double date after all.

Dejected, Everybody’s Boyfriend worries that he is too picky, and is consoled by Carly, who is not even remotely picky. On their Booze Cruise double date, Twin and Carl hit it off, but Caila isn’t into Lamp. With his main dish away, Everybody’s Boyfriend turns up the heat on his back burner. He tells Ashley he cried over her, and really wants her here. Newly emboldened, she calls Caila a back-stabbing whore, immediately before Caila returns from her date. Caila tells Everybody’s Boyfriend that she doesn’t like Lamp, without saying that she does like him. Close enough.

Then some guy named Ryan comes on the show. He promises to be the “normal” guy on B In P, so Everybody’s Boyfriend is willing to see him turned into a fine, pink mist.

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He convinces Ryan to consider Ashley, but Ryan ends up going with Other Twin. She changes into lingerie and talks in a baby voice to horses. Ryan looks past all this, because why not?

Grant steals Lace away for a surprise couples massage. Marry him, Lace. Relaxing in the hot tub afterwards, he tells Lace that he loves her. How does he know? Because he keeps telling himself he doesn’t. Why does he love her? Her smile and approach to things. Ok, great. She’s not ready to say it back, but I think she likes his smile and approach to things, too.

Izzy can’t stop thinking about that Lamp. It’s like he was made custom, for her, you know? She decides to offer herself to him. Lamp is psyched he’ll have more time to snag a blonde, and Izzy goes back to tell Vinny she’s questioning their relationship over a light fixture. They decide to sleep on it, but it looks like it’s another couple done in by a decorating dispute.

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 5 Round Two With Jared

Ashley I. shows up with a personal goal of third base and three cries. She’s cried twice by the first commercial break. Everyone’s Boyfriend confirms that he’s dating Caila, and Ashley toys with leaving, though she will obviously stay. When Everyone’s Boyfriend hears she’s crying again, he feels terrible…for himself. In another private confrontation, because you can’t have stalking without talking, Jared pawns off Ashley on Daniel, and curses her for all the PDA Caila says she can’t give him, now.

Ashley isn’t sure what to make of Daniel, but they have an easy chemistry and a refreshingly honest date. He tells her he’s 1/7 gay; she says he’s a placeholder; he says he’s one of those guys who’s into virgins; she deftly summarizes her relationship with Everyone’s Boyfriend:

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No sooner are they hitting it off than a group of Aztec warriors, erroneously believed to have been wiped out by smallpox and Cortes, surround and make off with Ashley, demanding a virgin sacrifice. Daniel shrugs, because he knows that isn’t accurate to Aztec society, and digs into his dinner.

The next morning, Jen from BenLovable’s season shows up, and is told she has to choose between Daniel and Nick. She chooses Not Daniel. They recline on a boat and discuss dolphin sex, which is the best anyone could hope for coming on this late.

Evan has been lying low this episode, a common predator tactic, but finds an opportunity to manipulate Carly when a woman in a lab coat tells him to rest his ankles in a hospital.

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With a path to a “no” effectively blocked by feelings of obligation, Carly hops in the ambulance, performs an ear exam, and then accepts when another actor/doctor urges them to date. They are now a couple, and somewhere an angel has its wings torn off.

Caila watches Ashley sob in bed, then provides a voiceover about not expecting to work this hard for Jared. Ashley’s strategy was to get over Everyone’s Boyfriend by dating in front of him, but that required that he be alone or dating another vapid 2-for-1, not a hair model. Ashley thought the Don’t Date Jared Contract she makes all her acquaintances sign was ironclad, but Caila won’t even let his facial hair dissuade her. The episode wraps with cry # 1 billion when Nick tells Ashley she imagined that Precious Moments “Love Is A War Of Attrition” statuette.

 

Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 4 Stop Being The Awkward Dick Doctor

If last year’s B In P was themed, “Disney Princesses Go Wild,” this wacky season is, “Violence Against Women.” From Chad throwing Lace around like a rag doll, to alleged emotional abuser Josh, to manipulative martyr Evan – put the cameras down, ABC assholes, and get your house in order.

Evan, a self-entitled nerd who thinks his lack of appeal among women makes him a Nice Guy, decides to pursue already attached (m)Amanda while she is buried deep in Josh’s smug, smug mouth. Not to be deterred (least of all by the word “no”), Evan writes a half-self affirmation, half-Date Card, and invites (m)Amanda on a mysterious dinner date that she thinks the show requires of them. He does not clarify. Vizzini™ look on incredulously, Izzy perched on Vinny’s back in case a chicken fight breaks out.

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(m)Amanda catches on that this is just Evan “being weird,” which is the show’s super secret code for “not respecting boundaries.” Unfortunately, (m)Amanda dumps like a woman, letting him down gently with a teary lie of it’s just bad timing. She says she is totally committed to the guy she met yesterday, and this idiot hears “glimmer of hope” and “maybe in the future.” Meanwhile, Guy She Met Yesterday moans into a pizza and wonders if Nick has any cute female relatives. When (m)Amanda gets back to her committed partner of 24 hours, she tells him what went down and he makes this sympathetic face:

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This is the least threatened face since all the faces he’s ever made to Nick.

Back at the beach, Daniel uses a sweater trimmer to shave Izzy off Vinny’s back, and the dudes who are on the chopping block try to secure a rose before elimination. Both Christian and Daniel kiss Sarah, Twin tries to teach Random how to differentiate her from other Twin by facial constellations, then Evan pulls an Evan. Though Everyone’s High School Boyfriend cautioned him to be satisfied that (m)Amanda even knows his name, Evan just needs to bring something to her attention- the allegations of verbal and emotional abuse against Josh by his ex-fiancée and former Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Or at least, the details he was told by the staff. (m)Amanda thanks him for the information, and convenes Twin and Lace, who tell her to keep an eye on it, like a rash.

Josh takes Evan for a walk to confront him about discussing his alleged history of abuse with (m)Amanda. This is annoying to watch because Evan is both #wrongreasons and #greatquestions. Did you think the allegations wouldn’t come up? Why don’t you sue for libel if the accusations are lies? Josh replies he’s a spiritual gentleman, and everyone knows spiritual gentleman don’t sue for libel. He sweats and seethes and accuses God of having a direct hand in this season.

Evan, whose “crusade in life” is to pursue truth women against their will, looks down on Josh for spewing the nonsense platitudes that Evan has the good taste to write on fake Date Cards. Nick Viall, never one to miss a speaking role, drunkenly offers that some of the stuff Andi wrote about him was true. (m)Amanda should be “aware.” Nick tells (m)Amanda she will figure this out because she’s a “smart girl,” which is what you say to redirect a woman who is being really, really dumb.

(m)Amanda has never been warned away from a man before, and proves she’s taking this accusation seriously by frowning and snuggling deep into Josh’s chest.

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At the Rose Ceremony, Evan tells us that sometimes doing the hard thing isn’t always the most popular thing. Most Popular Thing is definitely doing Hard Thing, though, and gives Josh her rose. Sarah chooses Daniel over Christian, who is baffled that she’d choose a doof that makes her happy over a coiled spring like himself. Carly gives her throwaway rose to throwaway Evan, who plans to “sneak back in” through the door Carly thought she locked. Twin trades Random for Nick, because Nick deserves to find love, but Random does not.

The pressure of elimination off, the couples return to the beach to sleep in the beds they made. Everybody’s High School Boyfriend tells Twin that he drinks wine and lights a candle while he watches tv. We know, Jared. Everyone’s High School Boyfriend based his conceptions of romance on Syberis pool suite commercials.

Then Caila comes on with a date card and all the women realize why they had to pack their bags last night.

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The rest of this episode is called “Jared Playing It Cool.” Twin thinks Caila’s perfect. Suspiciously perfect. Caila, of course, chooses Everyone’s High School Boyfriend for her date, if he’ll have her. Will he play it safe with the Twofer Sisters for the second season, or will he break up the set? After finagling Twin’s permission, Jared accepts Caila’s invitation and officially becomes Everyone’s Boyfriend.

On their horseback riding date, Caila becomes yet another woman on the show that wears off-the-shoulder tops like we’re supposed to just accept it and move on. She even doubles down, as it were, by wearing it at a canter. Twin never had a chance.

The couples most likely to get in a bar fight are sent to a bar. Izzy/Vinny and Lace/Grant dance in foam, and the women lie on the floor while the men crab walk over them. A producer pours ice water on the women to incite a reaction, and Lace is called aggressive for telling her, “Don’t pour water on us again.”

Meanwhile, Carly and Sarah have Daniel and Evan to their room for an uncomfortable double date of their own. Carly avoids kissing Evan despite Daniel and Sarah’s nudging and Evan’s goodbye attempt. This autonomy pisses off the producers, who will have their way. They send  Shitty Person 1 and Shitty Person 2 from their staff to pretend they couldn’t wake up Evan, then summon Shitty Person 3, who is wearing scrubs and is therefore a medical authority, to command that Carly lie down with Evan for monitoring purposes. Her shitty friend leaves, and this is the moment when Evan sees his opportunity to coerce Carly into sexual contact. Right here:

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Things that this father of three boys hates: ripped t-shirts, upper cheek hair, consent. She says “you can’t” 4 times and “no” 4 before succumbing.

Nick says goodbye to the ocean, (m)Amanda and Josh crawl under the sheets for the quietest, lowest range of motion sex they can manage, and we find out Ashley I. is back for her signature beach drink, a lachrymosa.