The morning after their first culling, Nick’s harem optimistically sips breakfast and lets it settle in that their boyfriend has an assistant to remember their names. We’re also teased with more Liz and Nick drama. I’m going to miss the footage of their mating dance at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, but that storyline needs to make like a one-night stand and wrap it up.
Chris Harrison arrives at the wife warehouse and takes a position between conveyor belts. Ladies, there are too many girlfriends to fit on the three dates scheduled this week. Let that sink in. Since time with Nick is hard to come by, I suggest putting your breasts directly into his hands at your first opportunity. Chris lays down the first Group Date card/subtle nudge: “Always a Bridesmaid.”
The bridesmaids are Vanessa, Brittany, Jasmine, Sarah, Lacey, Raven, Elizabeth W., and Danielle L. The flower girls are Alexis, Corinne, Hailey, and Taylor. They pile into three blue convertibles and drive off to a photoshoot with Nick and photographer Franco LaCosta. To imagine LaCosta, picture how Terry Richardson would be portrayed in a biopic directed by Baz Luhrmann and starring John Leguizamo. He is there to capture images of Nick with each woman at a different stage of objectification.
There’s Shotgun Bride, then 80’s Bride with her Naughty Bridesmaids. There’s Traditional Bride and her Sexually Available Maid of Honor (batting 1000, Nick!), and Princess Bride, Taylor, who is only marrying Nick because she thinks Cary Elwes is dead. Next up, Nick and Brittany model leaf underwear, forbidden fruit, and Coachella hair accessories, while the photographer eggs them on as the serpent.
Corinne, Bride in a White Bikini, envies Fall of Man Bride’s dibs on the first sin. She remembers Chris Harrison’s advice, takes off her bikini top, and places her breasts into Nick’s extended hands. Will Corinne be penalized for her behavior? If this were later in the season, yes, but not tonight. She wins the date and extended time with Nick for satisfying his preteen fantasies. Also of interest, when he was a preteen, she was a zygote.
Back at the house, “Always a Maid of Honor” Liz can barely keep her secret.
On the second portion of the group date, all the women try their best to make an impression on Nick, but no one can beat Corinne’s persistent and horny interrupting. Princess Bride Taylor boldly steals Nick back from Corinne to seduce him with her brain. Corinne finds reinterruptsies very rude, but she has nothing to fear. Nick favors seduction via boobs, and Corinne wins the date rose for herself and a bonus for the producer handling her.
The first 1 On 1 Date is between Nick and Danielle M., the sweet neonatal nurse from his hometown. They take a helicopter to a hot tub on a yacht, where Nick recounts his storyline because she only caught Bachelor In Paradise. She’s great, but I think he’s going to get bored. She needs to be a decade younger with no top on. In lieu of that, Danielle M. tells him she was engaged. Her fiancé overdosed on drugs she didn’t know he was addicted to, and she found him. She asks if Nick understands what it feels like to find your lover dead. He says finding a corpse would freak anyone out, and they kiss at the top of a Ferris Wheel. Things are looking up for Danielle, but that’s just how Ferris Wheels start.
Back at the mansion, Liz tells Christen about her fling with Nick. She says the sex was intermittent and chatty, so for all she knows, it’s still happening. Which brings us to…
…Group Date Card 2: “We Need to Talk.”
Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz meet Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships. An entire wing is dedicated to Nick’s disappointing life, culminating in the refused engagement ring and rose from his season with Kaitlyn. Can you imagine going on a date themed around your failures accompanied by at least 5 of your future exes? Because Nick is doing that twice a week. They eavesdrop on professional break up artists before being invited to act out their own inevitable collapses. Nick is curious to see if they make it about his baggage or theirs. He gets dumped for dating the other contestants, neglecting to floss, leaving out dishes, calling his girlfriend fat, and even gets slapped by Josephine for his repeated alcohol abuse. Liz still thinks she’s in a rom com, and this is her big gesture scene. She publicly recounts their hookup and why she never contacted him after. Liz closes by chastising him for not fighting for her, presumably by pursuing her after she asked him not to. Nick tries to play dumb about Liz, but when Christen indicates she knows their hookup story, Nick has to act.
He takes Liz aside, and she tells Nick she’s not the type of person who uses the phone to get to know people. Only TV. Nick dumps her. He extends the “let me walk you out” courtesy that usually comes around 7th place, which Liz should take as a small triumph (7th place, girl!), and then he’s off to Dolphin Girl’s boobday party.