Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 9 Normal Average Boring Person

Caila informs Everyone’s Boyfriend that she is leaving Paradise, like it was her idea. He asks if he can go with her. What Caila really wants is someone whose feelings for her are halfway between Ashley’s venom and Their Boyfriend’s enthusiasm, but the closest thing Paradise has to a moderate is Nick, and he’s busy leading on Jen. Leaving with Everybody’s Boyfriend is Caila’s second best option, but it is a packageable story and they can always break up 6 weeks later (Spoiler Alert – they break up six weeks later). It is too bad that we’ll  never get to see the offspring of these two recessive human beings. Who knows if they’d even be visible? Everybody’s Boyfriend sets Ashley to a low simmer, then chases down Caila’s getaway car.*

Wells and Jami return from their date, and Ashley asks Wells to describe it to her. Everyone considers this Ashley at peak sanity.

Lauren, a kindergarten teacher from Ben’s season, arrives and likes Izzy’s Lamp. She and the other new arrival, Shushanna, decide to take Floor Lamp and floor lamp-shaped man, Wells, on a surf lesson double date. Lamp is delighted to trade in his past two brunettes for a blonde. He asks Lauren about herself, and she replies that she is too boring to discuss. Maybe she’s intimidated by how hilarious he is.

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Lauren is too much of a lady to give anything away about herself, so she sticks to calling Lamp attractive. Ignore me, let’s talk about you. Uh oh, it looks like Izzy will have a free outlet tonight.

Evan’s boner gets a walk on role that I’d rather not invest more time on. He tucks up, then neatly transitions into the Josh/Nick drama.

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Say that with a French accent, and it looks like a cartoon jewel heist is about to go down. What follows is Josh and Amanda feasting on hot platitudes and lukewarm sentiments.

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Wells, who has clearly never seen Big Love, follows up on his date with Shushanna by hooking up with both Ashley and Jami. He needs to draw up a schedule before feelings get hurt.

*Someone please check that Jared actually left the show, so in 50 years we won’t find his rotting corpse and a long gray eyelash in some Rose For Emily situation.

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