Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 8 Not Enough Boom Boom Rooms

Ashley and Twins are stone cold assassins.

Doe-eyed Prell Girl, Caila, decides to confront Ashley, the teary VIB Rouge who turns out to be Keyser Söze. Caila wants Keyser to stop trash talking her to Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Then Everyone’s Boyfriend takes aside Keyser to say he’ll string her along for as long as she’ll let him. This is a game of chicken that you will not win, Everyone’s Boyfriend. Keyser cries. Keyser’s steady stream of Jared tears are only interrupted by tears for her dead dog, Lucy. Red flag! Dead and death-proximal dogs are the animal familiars of this season’s villains. Ashley prays to Dog for spiritual guidance. Dog sends Wells, a canine-loving, joke-cracking DJ with the body of a concave Gumby doll, but otherwise incredible luck.

As soon as Wells joins this pantless game of musical chairs, everyone directs him towards Ashley, an eligible recliner.  He asks her on a date, and Caila and Everybody’s Boyfriend breathe a sigh of relief and tell a camera they don’t think Keyser Söze exists. On her date, Ashley tells professional DJ Wells that her favorite band is Hanson, but he is determined to kiss her anyway, just like he’s been practicing all summer. Good on you, Wells. On the way home, they set a child’s kite on fire and make a wish.

Lace pushes Grant away, possibly because he keeps stealing her pants.

Lace's Jeans.png
Just go with it, Lace, he’s kind of pulling it off.

In other drama, (m)Amanda betrays Josh by offering their semi-private boning room to Nick and the brunette he’ll propose to. Josh would prefer not to share his bed with a brunette or Nick ever again. Unfortunately, (m)Amanda is fast asleep elsewhere, and Josh has to grab his anti-bed sweating fan and go.

The next day is the Rose Ceremony, preceded by the Cocktail Party fashion hour. Nick sizzles in his unbuttoned denim top. Evan pairs a tuxedo shirt and shorts, secure in the knowledge that he can convince Carly to like anything. Carly, in her red lace romper and matching arm tubes, really does like anything.

The Penis Man

Daniel makes a play for 3 roses. Twins politely accept his homemade jewelry and fried foods, while Izzy cleverly uses his floor lamp gift to nudge Brett into fighting for her. Then Twins take aside Nick to investigate Bedgate. They are his protégées, and seek permission to use what he’s taught them to destroy Josh. Permission granted.

At the Rose Ceremony, everyone picks who they’re supposed to…until Twins. They’re last up, deciding between Daniel, Carl, and I honestly can’t remember the last guy’s name. No, it is not worth looking up. Only one man has to go home. The Twins, however, aren’t impressed with any of them. Backed up against the ledge of a roof, Twins jump off backwards, guns blazing, taking as many men as they can down with them. It wouldn’t be right to let you guys stay, bang bang bang. On their way out the door, they pull aside (m)Amanda. Josh’s intentions are impure. Trust us. Bang. As they turn away from Paradise, Twin pulls a pin out of a grenade and tosses it behind her. Nick told us. BANG. Holy shit, it’s a bloodbath.

(m)Amanda has no idea what’s going on, but tells Josh he has been accused of villainy. This infuriates Josh, who assembles the team to inform them of his cancer dog. Animal. Familiar. No actual accusations are made for (m)Amanda to follow up on, so she dismisses the charges and life goes on.

DJ Wells is the only one up when Jami arrives the next morning. They are both awake and into broadcast journalism, so Jami asks him on a date. When Ashley finally wakes up, everyone is impressed that she isn’t upset about Wells. This is no great sign of maturity, guys. She just doesn’t care about him, and is excited to have an excuse to consult Everyone’s Boyfriend.

Ashley meets with Caila to renegotiate her p.d.a. rights. Caila says it’s hard to date Everyone’s Boyfriend with another woman who loves him there. Ashley expertly treats this accusation like it was a confession. “I would feel guilty, too.” Caila is not sure what’s happening. Ashley is just starting to have fun. “It’s just hard for you to stay here.”

Keyser Soze
Caila, thinks she can just get up and walk away from Paradise, Everybody’s Boyfriend in tow, but Ashley knows The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. They won’t get far.

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