Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 6 I Can’t Compete With A Cake

Ashley I. sobs uncontrollably to Everybody’s Boyfriend, the gray lump of clay onto whom she’s projected a personality. She waxes on about his supposed character traits and implores him to love her back, begging when she should be negging.

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Everybody’s Boyfriend stares at his lap and suggests that this was not the best place for her to get over him. He picks Caila. Caila is another gray lump of clay, with the hair of a goddess and the sexual energy of a wild cat, if you’re into fucking wild cats. He picked Caila before he met her, he picks her now, and will continue to pick Caila in a couple weeks when she’s dating someone else.

Everyone’s Boyfriend takes Caila aside to assure her of his devotion. Caila is just now realizing that the cost of beating another woman to a guy is actually being with that guy. Everyone’s Boyfriend kisses her, and she replies, “Well, I’m glad that you feel good, and appreciate your time.” Caila thinks her real purpose here is to help Ashley move on, just like that train did for Anna Karenina.

Then Carly tells Evan, an unwanted erection lasting more than four hours, that maybe she’s the one with the dysfunction. They kiss, and the unfunny prequel to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is born.

Pre-Rose Ceremony, Daniel is the man with a rose to spare. Sarah offers him a homemade half birthday cake and Scary Twin offers him Weak Twin. Ashley I. just drips mucus and mulls Daniel’s advice to sleep with people in increments of ten until one loves her. At the Rose Ceremony, Daniel chooses Twins, who are like the parasitic demon from Fallen that will survive as long as there’s a living host nearby.

Sarah goes home, and Ashley doesn’t. Ashley was born for this show, and will go home whenever she wants. She declares that she is ready to move on from Everybody’s Boyfriend, and asks the group if she can come back. Of course she can.

The power is back with the women now, and new dudes with date cards Carl and Brett come on to tempt them away. No one can remember Carl’s name, including Carly,

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but Twin is into him anyway, and he offers her one half of a double date. Brett brings a lamp on the show with him, a remember-me-gimmick for a deeply unmemorable man. Upon seeing Lamp, Izzy’s vagina explodes. Unfortunately for her, Lamp is a hairstylist, and favors mermaid-haired lump of clay, Caila. CaiLump is a Stepford Girlfriend with her switch set to yes, and agrees to date Lamp. Then agrees to stay back with Everybody’s Boyfriend, then agrees to the Lamp date again. Then she publicly declines the date, then privately accepts. Then says no again. Then yes. She’s yessing to Lamp when the date leaves, so Lump ends up on the double date after all.

Dejected, Everybody’s Boyfriend worries that he is too picky, and is consoled by Carly, who is not even remotely picky. On their Booze Cruise double date, Twin and Carl hit it off, but Caila isn’t into Lamp. With his main dish away, Everybody’s Boyfriend turns up the heat on his back burner. He tells Ashley he cried over her, and really wants her here. Newly emboldened, she calls Caila a back-stabbing whore, immediately before Caila returns from her date. Caila tells Everybody’s Boyfriend that she doesn’t like Lamp, without saying that she does like him. Close enough.

Then some guy named Ryan comes on the show. He promises to be the “normal” guy on B In P, so Everybody’s Boyfriend is willing to see him turned into a fine, pink mist.

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He convinces Ryan to consider Ashley, but Ryan ends up going with Other Twin. She changes into lingerie and talks in a baby voice to horses. Ryan looks past all this, because why not?

Grant steals Lace away for a surprise couples massage. Marry him, Lace. Relaxing in the hot tub afterwards, he tells Lace that he loves her. How does he know? Because he keeps telling himself he doesn’t. Why does he love her? Her smile and approach to things. Ok, great. She’s not ready to say it back, but I think she likes his smile and approach to things, too.

Izzy can’t stop thinking about that Lamp. It’s like he was made custom, for her, you know? She decides to offer herself to him. Lamp is psyched he’ll have more time to snag a blonde, and Izzy goes back to tell Vinny she’s questioning their relationship over a light fixture. They decide to sleep on it, but it looks like it’s another couple done in by a decorating dispute.

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