Ashley I. shows up with a personal goal of third base and three cries. She’s cried twice by the first commercial break. Everyone’s Boyfriend confirms that he’s dating Caila, and Ashley toys with leaving, though she will obviously stay. When Everyone’s Boyfriend hears she’s crying again, he feels terrible…for himself. In another private confrontation, because you can’t have stalking without talking, Jared pawns off Ashley on Daniel, and curses her for all the PDA Caila says she can’t give him, now.
Ashley isn’t sure what to make of Daniel, but they have an easy chemistry and a refreshingly honest date. He tells her he’s 1/7 gay; she says he’s a placeholder; he says he’s one of those guys who’s into virgins; she deftly summarizes her relationship with Everyone’s Boyfriend:
No sooner are they hitting it off than a group of Aztec warriors, erroneously believed to have been wiped out by smallpox and Cortes, surround and make off with Ashley, demanding a virgin sacrifice. Daniel shrugs, because he knows that isn’t accurate to Aztec society, and digs into his dinner.
The next morning, Jen from BenLovable’s season shows up, and is told she has to choose between Daniel and Nick. She chooses Not Daniel. They recline on a boat and discuss dolphin sex, which is the best anyone could hope for coming on this late.
Evan has been lying low this episode, a common predator tactic, but finds an opportunity to manipulate Carly when a woman in a lab coat tells him to rest his ankles in a hospital.
With a path to a “no” effectively blocked by feelings of obligation, Carly hops in the ambulance, performs an ear exam, and then accepts when another actor/doctor urges them to date. They are now a couple, and somewhere an angel has its wings torn off.
Caila watches Ashley sob in bed, then provides a voiceover about not expecting to work this hard for Jared. Ashley’s strategy was to get over Everyone’s Boyfriend by dating in front of him, but that required that he be alone or dating another vapid 2-for-1, not a hair model. Ashley thought the Don’t Date Jared Contract she makes all her acquaintances sign was ironclad, but Caila won’t even let his facial hair dissuade her. The episode wraps with cry # 1 billion when Nick tells Ashley she imagined that Precious Moments “Love Is A War Of Attrition” statuette.