Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 4 Stop Being The Awkward Dick Doctor

If last year’s B In P was themed, “Disney Princesses Go Wild,” this wacky season is, “Violence Against Women.” From Chad throwing Lace around like a rag doll, to alleged emotional abuser Josh, to manipulative martyr Evan – put the cameras down, ABC assholes, and get your house in order.

Evan, a self-entitled nerd who thinks his lack of appeal among women makes him a Nice Guy, decides to pursue already attached (m)Amanda while she is buried deep in Josh’s smug, smug mouth. Not to be deterred (least of all by the word “no”), Evan writes a half-self affirmation, half-Date Card, and invites (m)Amanda on a mysterious dinner date that she thinks the show requires of them. He does not clarify. Vizzini™ look on incredulously, Izzy perched on Vinny’s back in case a chicken fight breaks out.

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(m)Amanda catches on that this is just Evan “being weird,” which is the show’s super secret code for “not respecting boundaries.” Unfortunately, (m)Amanda dumps like a woman, letting him down gently with a teary lie of it’s just bad timing. She says she is totally committed to the guy she met yesterday, and this idiot hears “glimmer of hope” and “maybe in the future.” Meanwhile, Guy She Met Yesterday moans into a pizza and wonders if Nick has any cute female relatives. When (m)Amanda gets back to her committed partner of 24 hours, she tells him what went down and he makes this sympathetic face:

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This is the least threatened face since all the faces he’s ever made to Nick.

Back at the beach, Daniel uses a sweater trimmer to shave Izzy off Vinny’s back, and the dudes who are on the chopping block try to secure a rose before elimination. Both Christian and Daniel kiss Sarah, Twin tries to teach Random how to differentiate her from other Twin by facial constellations, then Evan pulls an Evan. Though Everyone’s High School Boyfriend cautioned him to be satisfied that (m)Amanda even knows his name, Evan just needs to bring something to her attention- the allegations of verbal and emotional abuse against Josh by his ex-fiancée and former Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Or at least, the details he was told by the staff. (m)Amanda thanks him for the information, and convenes Twin and Lace, who tell her to keep an eye on it, like a rash.

Josh takes Evan for a walk to confront him about discussing his alleged history of abuse with (m)Amanda. This is annoying to watch because Evan is both #wrongreasons and #greatquestions. Did you think the allegations wouldn’t come up? Why don’t you sue for libel if the accusations are lies? Josh replies he’s a spiritual gentleman, and everyone knows spiritual gentleman don’t sue for libel. He sweats and seethes and accuses God of having a direct hand in this season.

Evan, whose “crusade in life” is to pursue truth women against their will, looks down on Josh for spewing the nonsense platitudes that Evan has the good taste to write on fake Date Cards. Nick Viall, never one to miss a speaking role, drunkenly offers that some of the stuff Andi wrote about him was true. (m)Amanda should be “aware.” Nick tells (m)Amanda she will figure this out because she’s a “smart girl,” which is what you say to redirect a woman who is being really, really dumb.

(m)Amanda has never been warned away from a man before, and proves she’s taking this accusation seriously by frowning and snuggling deep into Josh’s chest.

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At the Rose Ceremony, Evan tells us that sometimes doing the hard thing isn’t always the most popular thing. Most Popular Thing is definitely doing Hard Thing, though, and gives Josh her rose. Sarah chooses Daniel over Christian, who is baffled that she’d choose a doof that makes her happy over a coiled spring like himself. Carly gives her throwaway rose to throwaway Evan, who plans to “sneak back in” through the door Carly thought she locked. Twin trades Random for Nick, because Nick deserves to find love, but Random does not.

The pressure of elimination off, the couples return to the beach to sleep in the beds they made. Everybody’s High School Boyfriend tells Twin that he drinks wine and lights a candle while he watches tv. We know, Jared. Everyone’s High School Boyfriend based his conceptions of romance on Syberis pool suite commercials.

Then Caila comes on with a date card and all the women realize why they had to pack their bags last night.

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The rest of this episode is called “Jared Playing It Cool.” Twin thinks Caila’s perfect. Suspiciously perfect. Caila, of course, chooses Everyone’s High School Boyfriend for her date, if he’ll have her. Will he play it safe with the Twofer Sisters for the second season, or will he break up the set? After finagling Twin’s permission, Jared accepts Caila’s invitation and officially becomes Everyone’s Boyfriend.

On their horseback riding date, Caila becomes yet another woman on the show that wears off-the-shoulder tops like we’re supposed to just accept it and move on. She even doubles down, as it were, by wearing it at a canter. Twin never had a chance.

The couples most likely to get in a bar fight are sent to a bar. Izzy/Vinny and Lace/Grant dance in foam, and the women lie on the floor while the men crab walk over them. A producer pours ice water on the women to incite a reaction, and Lace is called aggressive for telling her, “Don’t pour water on us again.”

Meanwhile, Carly and Sarah have Daniel and Evan to their room for an uncomfortable double date of their own. Carly avoids kissing Evan despite Daniel and Sarah’s nudging and Evan’s goodbye attempt. This autonomy pisses off the producers, who will have their way. They send  Shitty Person 1 and Shitty Person 2 from their staff to pretend they couldn’t wake up Evan, then summon Shitty Person 3, who is wearing scrubs and is therefore a medical authority, to command that Carly lie down with Evan for monitoring purposes. Her shitty friend leaves, and this is the moment when Evan sees his opportunity to coerce Carly into sexual contact. Right here:

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Things that this father of three boys hates: ripped t-shirts, upper cheek hair, consent. She says “you can’t” 4 times and “no” 4 before succumbing.

Nick says goodbye to the ocean, (m)Amanda and Josh crawl under the sheets for the quietest, lowest range of motion sex they can manage, and we find out Ashley I. is back for her signature beach drink, a lachrymosa.

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