The change to the opening credits can’t go unacknowledged – now Nick getting hit in the head with a soccer ball is preceded by Josh kicking it. Despite this and every other attempt to goad Nick into a confrontation, he knows better. Well, knowing better isn’t exactly how I’d describe “third time’s a charm” Nick, but he’d prefer to lose on sexual performance over blunt force trauma.
In other couple news, Canadian Eagle Daniel is starting to seem genuinely interested in Sarah. Last week he chose her from the four desperate unmatched women, despite leaning twinward for a good old-fashioned bang session. Sarah likes him back, fully aware of his bromance with Chad and other personal characteristics. What could come between them? Enter new guy Christian with a date card.
While Sarah explores Christianity and (m)Amanda explores Dudism, Daniel and Nick discuss Carly’s lack of attraction to Evan, aka ED-E. Daniel thinks if he would just let his hair down and take off his glasses, Carly could see that Evan’s all that.
It’s too late for these world record holders, however, and Carly pauses in her behind-the-back attacks on Evan to dump him politely to his face. Somehow, trying to make out with her post-vomiting didn’t save him. Carly feels bad until Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared points out that puking before and after kissing isn’t a thing unless you’re trying to make crash dieting sexy. With Evan in her rear view, Carly is ready to meet that elusive Someone Spatial. Not a typo, literally anything with both mass and volume.
Then we meet Brandon, supposedly from Desiree’s season in 2013.
It doesn’t help that when he introduces himself I think he says, “Random.” He’s got a pulse and everything, so Carly is into him, but he takes aside Twin, first. Carly isn’t worried, because guys don’t like boring, gorgeous women. Carly, that is the premise of this show. Random was on the Bachelorette with Carly’s brother, Zak, who is celebrating his one year anniversary that very day. Coincidentally, Carly is celebrating her one year anniversary of using said wedding to shame Kirk into staying with her. Vinny worries that Evan might Virginia Woolf into the Pacific if Random asks out Carly. Thankfully, he picks Tabula Rasa, and Evan is free to explore other types of self-sabotage.
Sarah and Christian zip line and rappel down a cliff before kissing tepidly on some boulders. Despite his best attempts to dunk her donuts, Sarah is craving Tim Hortons. They return from their date and she immediately checks on Canadian Daniel, who affectionately describes her as the scraps another bird of prey is trying to steal. Daniel takes fate into his own hands, and makes a beachside mini-date for her. He wants someone who is into weird, and Sarah is that someone. They don’t kiss, because of Zika (is he a biter?), but their mutual interest is clear.
On Random and Twin’s date, the sisters pull a Wakefield Twin Halloween and swap places. I bet any of the blondes could jump in and he wouldn’t notice. He can’t tell the difference, except that Twin’s cooled off and is way less into fooling around than he anticipated.
Gazing down from a room of his own, Evan spies (m)Amanda, who’s playing host body to Josh’s tongue. He’s not bothered by disgusting things coming out of his date’s mouth, so pens his own date card and heads down to the beach to commit social suicide.