Bachelor In Paradise 3, Episode 1 You’re Being So Unmurdery

Welcome to a new season of Bachelor In Paradise, a tequila-soaked Rube Goldberg device for finding someone else that thinks “mischievious” is a word. The romantics for hire assemble at their beach resort in Sayulita, Mexico to sniff out pheromones and Twitter followers. The contestants are: Las Vegas twins Haley and Emily, who are identical…to most contestants on this show. The 2 for 1 discount from last season applies, meaning if one twin gets a rose, both are safe. Also on the show is professional also-ran Nick Viall, runner up in both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons. Seriously, I don’t know which part of this makes me saddest:

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We also get Erectile Dysfunction Specialist Evan, known to Jubilee as “The Penis Guy,” probably because “Petty Sniveling Instigator” is mean. Where there’s an instigator, a short-fused lunatic isn’t far behind. Enter Chad, essentially the same old villain but with some new veins added. This animated protein shake calls himself misunderstood and pets his late mother’s puppy as though you can snuggle yourself into mental health. Several women express interest in him, including a blonde named Sarah, who threatens to keep coming on this show until she finds a husband. She’d like to peel back Chad’s layers like an onion, until she’s left with his true self or someone intervenes and teaches her the right way to prep food.

Canadian Daniel is back, too, with dual responsibilities of interviewing Chad and disparaging the women. So far, he has called them pigeons to his eagle, washed up street dogs to his wolf, and bruised fruit to his organic, non-GMO produce. Then we get “I’m not crazy” Lace; squeaky-voiced mother of two, (m)Amanda; war-hero Jubilee; lover of complicated women and picturesque leaning, Fireman Grant; recently-spurned Carly; and Vinny, the barber from JoJo’s season. While Daniel takes the traditional approach,

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Vinny confuses us all by calling the women beautiful, attractive, and nice. What are you playing at, Vinny? He attaches to Izzy, whom you remember from Ben’s season if you are her mother, but otherwise not at all. Lastly, we get Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared, who got stuck in Ashley I.’s eyelash glue last season and never managed to date anyone else. He has piqued Jubilee’s interest. She gets the first date card, and invites him to talk Lord of the Rings and get murdered by clowns.

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I’m sorry for the visual, but I wanted to be sure other people could see it.

The real story of the night, however, is the volatile relationship that develops between Chad and Lace. They hit it off, hit it, and then eventually just hit. What started as Cuddle O’Clock in a pool quickly becomes cartoon villain threats to tie Lace to a railroad track. She abandons her slappy bids for power in the relationship after he calls her a bitch for the millionth time (not when he threatens to duct tape her), and storms off to join “all the nice and genuous people.” This leaves Chad wasted and shouty. The other contestants take this opportunity to exclude him, and when onion-lover Sarah (who has one arm) takes a shot at him, Chad crosses the line and mocks her disability.

The next morning Chad has shit the bed, both literally and figuratively. Chris Harrison gathers everyone together to hold Chad accountable. You were insulting, violent, and told the hotel staff to suck a dick.

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Exactly. Chad’s villainhood is fully realized, and he storms off, accusing Chris Harrison of emotional distance and liking mimosas. When Chad laments that he’ll never be the Bachelor, now, it’s clear how deep the show’s manipulation runs. I almost feel sorry for him, and then I remember:

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He goes home, leaving behind an aggression vacuum and an opportunity for someone else to tat Lace.

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