Bachelorette 12, Episodes 11 & 12 Finale

JoJo introduces her family to Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother and the other guy in Phuket, Thailand. I’ve been thinking Phuket since Luke left, but this is what we get for not having superdelegates at the Rose Ceremonies.

We start with ARLB. He brings silly hats and his resting insincere face, which goes pretty far with the brothers, but not so far with JoJo’s mom. After gamely modeling a pink bonnet, she cuts the shit.

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He fumbles out a yes. Then she makes him promise not to break JoJo’s heart. ARLB is starting to freak out. JoJo’s dad takes him aside, and tells him JoJo has trust issues. This is not how ARLB saw his day going. Instead of asking for their permission to propose, he reassures her parents that he has tons of issues, too, and gets out of there. ARLB slinks home and JoJo proclaims it a resounding success.

Enter other guy. Robby arrives in his signature tuk-tuk, though with that ‘do I wish he’d taken his wrecking ball. Hair freshly lacquered, Robby exudes a glossy confidence. His easy enthusiasm for JoJo is a disarming counterpoint to ARLB’s lukewarm hat date. JoJo absently ponders how she ever let things get this far with Robby, while he recounts the moment he first professed his love.

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Guys, haven’t you seen Speed? And then Speed 2? Relationships based on adrenaline rushes never last. Despite JoJo silently begging us to shoot the hostage, Robby is killing it with her family, and wraps up the date getting both parents’ teary blessing. Robby is everyone’s clear favorite, and they tell her so.

JoJo is crushed. Her dad recounts all of Robby’s promises to love, protect, and care for JoJo, optimistically tacking on “fidelity” for good measure. It turns out magical thinking is a family trait. When her dad tells JoJo that Robby loves her, she adds on ARLB. The Fletchers quickly catch on that JoJo has already made her decision, and assure her that she can divorce whomever she wants. No matter her choice, she knows that she’ll miss either Robby as a person or ARLB as a lifestyle. JoJo’s torn, and will be known as Jo Jo until she decides for sure.

On their last date (ever), Robby tells her about the future he’s envisioned for them. He has thought this through down to the burnt meatloaf and unsupervised children. Jo Jo straddles and kisses him goodbye.

ARLB saunters towards Jo Jo for their last date and tells her how cute she looks in a shirt with fringed bell sleeves. This is why nobody trusts you, ARLB. They kayak toward a confrontation, and over dinner she asks why he didn’t get her parents’ blessings. He flouts Bachelorette protocol and says he can’t ask for their permission while another man is still in the picture. Jo Jo looks genuinely worried that she’s going to have to marry Robby over this technicality.

Just before the Final Rose Ceremony, Robby pens a love letter and picks out the ring he’ll be returning to Neil Lane in an hour. Some handler is looking out for ARLB and lets him call Jo Jo’s parents for their blessings, which he has time-stamped and sent over to Jo Jo just under the wire. Next shot, we see Jo Jo startled out of her brooding by a knock on the door. She floats to the front door in a cloud of white chiffon and finds ARLB’s notarized parental blessings left under a conch shell. JoJo cries in relief that she won’t have to marry a wax statue, using Robby’s letter to fan her tears dry.

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The first car pulls up so JoJo can dump her plus 2. The show teases out the suspense by starting at the unlucky guy’s ankle. Skinny cropped suit pants? Could be anyone. Show us a pompadour! Robby emerges and professes his love to her. She hears out the whole proposal but stops him before he kneels because she can’t bend in that dress. She says, “I wanted it to be you,” but I’m fairly sure she whispered “Ben” after that. Robby leaves and JoJo cries while enormous wicker baskets, the tumbleweed of Thailand, blow about behind her.

Then JoJo remembers ARLB. Time to get engaged. Rodgers and JoJo say their I love yous, ARLB takes a knee, and JoJoJordan is born.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Robby is a vision in gingham accessories. He wants to know if JoJo ever thinks of him. She doesn’t. Chris Harrison wants to know if JoJoJordan have had a hard time dealing with all the tabloid drama. They have, but they’re excited to date in front of cameras again. The end.

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