Bachelorette 12, Episode 9 Pull Your Pants Down And Kick Me In The Nuts

You can’t say JoJo doesn’t have a type – bearded blonds with Ace Ventura coifs, Martini glass-shaped bodies, and more holes in their stories than a library infested with silverfish. Sadly, Luke is a brooding brunet with an inverted lightbulb physique, good for intense face-stroking and riding a horse into the sunset. Well, the sun has set.

Didn't Want Luke.png

No amount of “Come back, Shane!”s  can help, and we must resign ourselves to watching JoJo select her anti-Benlovable from the remaining Pet Detectives.

We relocate to Hua Hin, Thailand, a subtle suggestion that the remaining contestants are same same, but different. This is Fantasy Suite week, and Robby is the hygenically fortunate first man in the lineup. He tumbles out of a tuk-tuk into JoJo’s arms-arms, and they sweat on each other good-naturedly while avoiding local food and customs. They revisit his ex-girlfriend drama, and JoJo reminds us that she confessed her love to Ben on this very night, last season. Nothing gets these lovebirds going like talking about their exes, so they grab that antique brass key and jam it into the electric card reader on their Marriot Fantasy Suite, post-haste.

The morning after, JoJo meets Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother for a steep hike to a Buddhist temple. Once there, JoJo promises not to hook up with ARLB, because “temples are very sacred here.” Please, everything JoJo knows about Buddhism she learned from Dharma and Greg, which just makes me angrier that she won’t at least choose a guy with a steady job. Over dinner, JoJo says getting proposed to is the moment she’s been waiting her whole life for. ARLB says he can’t wait to ask her father’s permission. Then she casually tosses out, “We have not talked at all about what the future would be like.” Nevermind, JoJo, all your concerns soon will be put to rest.

JoJo: Are we going to date long distance?
ARLB: I want to marry you.
JoJo: That’s what Ben said. Charming, treacherous Ben. How do I know you’re not Benning me?
ARLB: For the last month, when I’ve pictured getting married, it’s been to you.
JoJo: The whole month? Take me now.

Evasion properly handled, they scamper off to their Fantasy Suite like it’s one of those less sacred temples from back home.

JoJo Feels So Happy.png

Her last date is with Chase. He does everything right, except having a shady past that screams, “Don’t trust me!” Fatal error, Chase. JoJo assures us falling in love with a third guy makes her want to puke, but offers him a night in the Fantasy Suite anyway. Emboldened, he finally says he loves her, which just brings all the nausea back. She excuses herself to dry heave and strategize how to get him to make the Luke rejection face. She pulls herself together, pops a Tums, and rips off the Band-Aid.

Love Equals Get The Fuck Out.png

Not now, rookie, since at least a couple episodes back, with Alex the Marine.

The Rose Ceremony is moot, despite ARLB’s choice of pants and Chase showing up to say call me after the show. ARLB and Robby get roses, Chase gets ushered out by a monkey intern, and JoJo brings up Benlovable one last time before introducing these not-Bens to her family.

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