Bachelor 20, Episode 9 Be Us, Do Us

This week three women in denim underwear tell Bachelor Ben they love him. Bachelor ‘Copter #FlightReasons drops Ben off in Jamaica, a really great place to fall in love. Ben, who also said McDonalds is a really great place to fall in love, breaks down his final three girlfriends for us.

On the first night, Seductive Caracal Caila pounced into Ben’s arms and heart. She won him over with her bright smile and enthusiasm, but her strategy of playing easy to get grew boring, and Ben wants to see a quieter, more emotional side. This is like when guys say they prefer no makeup on a woman. Let’s see how far into the episode he stops wishing for that.

Next up, Flight Attendant Lauren B. is Ben’s dream girl, but he worries she’s too good for him. I want to assure Ben that she’s absolutely not, without it coming off as a compliment to him. They are equally unremarkable. Unlike Caila, Lauren B. alternates cold and hot treatments, declaring how scared she is one moment and then sing-songing “Beeeeeen” coquettishly the next. He is mesmerized.

Finally, there’s JoJo, who is so hot even her family wants to sleep with her. Ben keeps her around because there is no greater revenge on her brothers than taking JoJo to a Fantasy Suite. She tells us she’s also scared, for the record.

On his first date, Ben meets Caila for a scenic raft ride down a river. What’s that intoxicating scent?

Napalm? She wears jorts and a dour face, and Ben suspects something’s on her mind. I don’t think that’s it. While it is great that Caila can feel more emotions than “exuberance,” Ben would rather not see a serious Caila, after all. She catches on by dinner, flips the bubbliness back on, and promises not to get distracted by her own emotions again. Caila tells Ben she loves him, and he responds with a strong embrace, breathing, and a formal invitation to his Pants Party. Fireworks go off as they enter the Fantasy Suite for the night. The next morning, Ben calls her beautiful, says I love you with his eyes, and then he’s off to tell the other women I love you with his words.

Lauren B. tries to walk out a denim wedgie before meeting Ben at the pier, but doesn’t quite get it.

They boat out to a quiet beach where a nest of baby turtles brave the open sea to escape her vocal fry. In the evening, Lauren and Ben catch a reggae concert, which is disorienting because it’s not in a barn. Lauren is terrified to say I love you, but disregards her better judgement and goes for it. Then Bachelor Ben breaks protocol, and says it back. She immediately assumes a horizontal position. They I-love-you their way to the bed, and then Lauren has exactly 10 hours of camera-free time to lock it down. In the morning, Ben heads home for a quick dick rinse before his date with JoJo.

Ben and JoJo ride a chopper to an Herbal Essences commercial set. They swim under a waterfall and their hair smells like tropical orgasms. JoJo declares that this day is all about risks, and she is not kidding.

Modeling a foil and hemp bikini from a Project Runway “untraditional materials challenge,” JoJo comes clean and says I love you. Ben puts the final nail in Caila’s coffin, and says it back. Again. JoJo accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation to sleep with his proxy, and they demonstrate dramatic irony by entering the Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Suite.

In the morning, Caila decides to surprise Ben with a visit. Ben has a surprise for Caila, too! The endangered wild cat prowls the grounds of his compound while murder music plays in the background, until she finds Ben brooding in the gardens. He tries to calibrate the perfect break up blend of warmth and distance, but Caila is fluent in evasive nonsense talk. She tells him his line- “It’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you”- sounds like a line, then gets into the Dump(ed) Truck. Two feet down the driveway, Caila remembers the stuff they did in the Fantasy Suite, takes out her earrings, and jumps out of the car to fight Ben. He talks her down, and she finally leaves.

In her exit interview, Caila nails The Bachelorette audition. She pretty cries, then declares:

People. Very subtle.

At the Rose Ceremony, first JoJo then Lauren confide to Chris Harrison that Ben said he loves them. Chris deliciously shares the moment with us.

There is a little tension between JoJo and Lauren while they wait to confirm that Caila is out, and then a lot of tension when Ben asks for a group hug. In two weeks, he will commit to just one (cast)mate, but first, he has to survive the Women Tell All episode.The horror, the horror!