Bachelor 20, Episode 4 Funkadelic For Sure

Gathered at Bachelor Compound, Blond Juliette Lewis/casual racist Lauren H. observes that there are fewer women this week than last week, but comes just shy of trying to count them. Chris Harrison swaggers in and tells everyone they’re relocating to Las Vegas. To establish the episode’s main themes, any footage of Olivia sounding insecure or really into Ben is spliced together to suggest she’s lost it, and we see the twins walk on a treadmill together to reinforce how important it is that one of them leave.

The women arrive in Las Vegas and squeal with delight at a welcome sign:

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Identified by JoJo as “the most romantic gesture,” this sign represents just how low the bar has been set. Once in their hotel, Caila reads the date card and JoJo gets the first One On One Date.

The date kicks off with a rooftop champagne toast/assassination attempt.

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I’m getting the sense The Bachelor calculated cost per wear and finally just bought a helicopter. Ben and JoJo crouch behind their cocktail table and make out while the other women look on. Once aboard Bachelor copter #Flight Reasons, JoJo proves to be a microphone makeout pro. After an aerial tour of Las Vegas, they change into formalwear and take an immersion class in Bachelor Speak.

Ben: I’ve had so many, like, moments with you. Moments that I’m just like, when I’m in that moment nothing else matters. But there’s so much outside of those moments I want to learn.

JoJo: My guard had just come down and I had this moment of like just feeling scared.

Ben: Scared of what?

JoJo: Stuff in my past.

Ben: I’m sorry that had to be a part of the past.

There are other words in between those, but it honestly doesn’t help. The date ends pretty standardly. Rooftop. Formal lace jumpsuit. Fireworks.

The Group Date is a cruel surprise attack on Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel and Olivia. Renowned ventriloquist specializing in singer-impressions, Terry Fator, challenges them to come up with bits for a talent show. They will then perform as his opening act before a live audience of 1,200 people. What a dick. The twins ask to be taken as individuals, but then they do things like this:

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Jubilee plays cello; Caila is an irrepressible tigress; single mom Amanda hula hoops while wearing a boa; and this fever dream comes to life:

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This facepaint is exactly what Peeta would have done if he were a contestant.

The real take away is that Olivia, whose aggressive approach and success with Ben have earned her no friends, is really uncomfortable with her talent routine. She clambers out of a cake in a flashy showgirl costume- Scarlet O’Hara Butler at Ashley’s birthday party, a public shaming in red feathers. She holds back tears and narrates her improvised choreography while the other contestants experience mass Schadenfreude. Amanda, of the hula-hoop-in-a-boa fame, questions if popping out of a cake is a talent.

After the talent show, Olivia is herded back on camera for a panic attack. It would take too long to unpack everything she says, so I’ll give you the basics. Her embarrassment=Ben’s disapproval=not marriage material=ruined everything. Then she apologizes to the crew for crying. The crew whose entire job is to make her cry.

During the cocktail portion of the date, Caila, Software Sales Rep/Sex Panther slings her legs across Ben and tells him she’s shy. Ben threeways with ventriloquist dummies Little Ben and Lauren H., and Olivia pulls him aside to abase herself. A twin cuts in on them, leaving Olivia alone to renounce the rest of her pride. During her time with Ben, Lauren B. plays it just right, fishing for reassurance while simultaneously playing hard to get. Ben tells her theirs was the best first date, and gives her the coveted date rose.

For the second One On One Date, Ben sends Becca and her mint-condition vagina a wedding dress to see if that counts and she’ll have sex. An Elvis impersonator picks up Becca in a pink Cadillac and drives her to a roadside chapel where Ben gets down on one knee and fake proposes. Hilarious! Just kidding, getting married on the first date is way too serious, so they just officiate the weddings of people who owe ABC money. One of the cameras captured a rare image of a couple being warned off the show by their future selves.

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Later Ben surprises Becca with an evening at The Neon Museum, a collection of flashing, refurbished Las Vegas signs. I bet JoJo is furious she didn’t get the sign date. Ben asks if it’s hard for Becca to be a virgin, and does she mind that he’s not? This whole date is just to establish that Ben’s had sex before. They make obscure references to faith, and Ben asks if Becca can experience emotions. Any emotions. She passes the Turing Test and they tenderly vow to make eye contact, smile, and tell each other they’re great. Yep, this is the Virgin Date.

At the hotel, Chris Harrison gathers the women to announce Ben has planned a special side-by-side comparison date for the twins. He takes them to their mom’s house, where Haley shows Ben pictures of her ex-boyfriend and Emily tells him to dump Haley. Ben takes her advice and cuts Haley in front of her mother and sister, whom he is still dating. He comforts Emily the whole limo ride back to the hotel. This is some cold ass shit.

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At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, brown-haired filler contestant Jen boldly pulls Ben away first, but is immediately interrupted by Olivia, the collapsing star. Jubilee reminds Ben that she’s complicated, and Ben manages one more make out session with wildcat in heat, Caila. After all this, Ben unsurprisingly gives Olivia the cautionary last rose and sends Unemployed Rachel and Threepeat Amber home.

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