Do you play the game by the rules, or do you play to win? Professional Twin, Emily, is a more traditional contestant:
Ok, we all know what she meant, but it also could be a thing Hubbard made up.
Meanwhile, District 2 Champion and Games mentor Olivia suggests what to do if you don’t make it to the cornucopia in time:
Cut to Eagle Scout Ben in his bathroom as he slowly pulls his pants on, releasing a series of little peer pressure orgasms throughout Bachelor viewing parties.
Off to the 1st Group Date. The date is a cozy 11 person affair at Ben’s high school, local home of adult sexual behavior. Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace are met by sexy buttoned up high school principal Chris Harrison. He explains the rules of the elimination game they’ll play, but all I hear is my heart pounding out of my chest. Yes, I have a picture of Principal Harrison in this getup, but it’s for me.
First the women compete in pairs to make volcanoes erupt. They have to correctly mix beakers labeled “Communication,” “Appreciation,” and “Blindness to Repeated Infidelity” to successfully explode Ben’s metaphor. The slowest team is eliminated, and we move on to the next challenge. The women bob for apples while Ben talks ed reform and suggests teachers should use more sex appeal. Two more women out, then the remaining teams are asked to place Indiana on a map. Guys, it’s bad. Another team down. The last two pairs of women throw free throws until half the sound equipment has been trashed and Mandi and Amber are declared the winning team. There can be only one, however, so they run hurdles. Mandi destroys Amber, winning the Grand Prize: a ten minute ride around the track in Ben’s Warsaw High letterman jacket. I think this is the point in the Americana Date when LB took a step back and thought in her best Van Der Beek, “I don’t want your life.”
In the evening they all meet up for cocktails and Becca steals Ben to shoot hoops and explain why she is back on The Bachelor. She says it’s because she’s not emotionally closed off anymore. Fun talk over basketball! More 1-on-1 time follows, and Ben makes out with Jennifer, Jubilee, and JoJo. In between kissing alliteratively, Lace pulls Ben aside to tell him she’s not crazy and Denver is amazing.
Back at Bachelor compound, Caila is invited on a 1 on 1 Date designed by CH himself. Ice Cube and Kevin Hart show up to…Ride Along… on their date. Hey, just like the name of their movie! They take Caila on a date themed around being cheap to test how she reacts to poor treatment. First they load up on supplies. Ice Cube recommends Hennessy, condoms and a joke about robbing the cashier. Ben plays it a little more conservatively and goes with Courvoisier and a “What’s your favorite color?” line.
After stewing good naturedly in a display hot tub with Kevin Hart, the couple finally gets the privacy of a dinner on a completely open set. Caila wants to know if Ben still feels unlovable. Short answer, yes! She confides she almost ended up engaged to her last boyfriend because she confused their unique “how we met” story for fate. So now she wants to meet a man on TV, bless her heart. She gets a rose, then they sway to a private concert with Amos Lee, whom Caila gamely pretends to know. She plays with her hair a lot and is upbeat and says “you know where” instead of hell.
Twins Emily and Haley, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, and Amber get Group Date #2. A robot named Doctor Love leads the women to a Love Lab where absolutely reliable experts run tests to scientifically identify Ben’s best match. The women all change into tight white tanks and short shorts, because science. They are put through a series of three tests. The first measures whether the women focus more on pictures of babies and Ben, or diamonds and Sean Lowe. Then Doctor Love makes the women sweat and has Ben smell their wombs for compatibility. Lastly, Ben and each woman sit on a bed and, under Doctor Love’s instruction, reenact a scene from Primal Fear. Old Sour Womb Sam gets the low score, but man oh man is Olivia a great match with 7.45 out of 10. Ben brings everyone back to his place and takes Olivia aside to make out. He returns to the party still wiping Olivia off his face, and the other women fume. Amanda takes Ben aside to tell him she has
daughters and their names are Right and Reasons. He reacts perfectly, but the rose still goes to Olivia and science is safe another day.
At the Cocktail Party, Olivia and Lace aggressively compete for Ben’s time. Ben is down to fool around with Olivia, and listens politely while Lace desperately tries to make herself relatable. I was a dork! Can I describe an embarrassing photo of myself? My family denies me! A few other lucky women get private time with him, and Ben tries his best to reassure them that he totally can keep them straight. He impresses COOL GIRL WITH A FOOTBALL by presenting her with a still from some of their footage together. Blond Juliette Lewis gets a blue ribbon for biggest volcanic explosion. Ben and Amanda make barrettes for her daughters that they will only see if she wins.
Then CH pulls Ben away in preparation for the Rose Ceremony. Lace wants to leave now and beat the parking lot lines. JoJo, Olivia, and Caila already have roses. Amanda is called first, then Jubilee, COOL GIRL WITH A FOOTBALL Leah, Lauren B., Becca, Rachel, even Lace, for chrissakes. Jennifer, Emily, Jamie, Lauren H./Blond Juliette Lewis, Shushanna and Amber get roses. The bombshell is when Ben calls LB, a self-described quiet girl from Oklahoma, but she just wants to go home. Goodbye to one of the only women who at least put Indiana in the Midwest.