Tall drink of water is a pretty good description of Bachelor Ben’s…personality. He takes us on a tour of his hometown, Warsaw, Indiana, which is a great use of our time. We meet his dad and mom, the first woman to consider him unlovable, and drive past the movie theater where an old girlfriend also didn’t love him. We spend some time in the high school parking lot taking selfies with local moms chasing that Twilight rush, and then cut to a preview of the 20-some identical sets of curled hair that are about to step out of the limos and meet Ben. But first, he gets a consultation with Bachelor veterans Chris Soules, Someone Else, and Old Guy. Ben could jump right into the good questions, best places to screw off camera, Neil Lane rings with highest resale values, but instead he asks what the trick is to giving every woman a fair chance. Soules says pick the one with the most childlike voice. Everyone agrees he should cut the minorities. Not now, but soon.
Introducing the contestant videos, host Chris Harrison reminds us that Ben is still essentially unlovable, but flight attendant Lauren B. is willing to fake it. Like a totally sane person, she dumped her boyfriend after watching Ben get out of the limo on Kaitlyn’s season. Unfortunately, Ben does not dump all of his girlfriends after meeting Lauren B., but that’s because Chris Soules told him to kiss everyone first.
Jubilee is ex-military. Mandi likes wacky hats and oral surgery. Twins Haley and Emily cite “Twin” as their occupation and are totally comfortable sharing a boyfriend.
That’s irresponsible. They above everyone should be getting more genetic variation in their mates. Amanda comes in as a Soules favorite, a petite blond mom with a fairy tale mouse’s voice. Tara is a chicken enthusiast. They are like her babies! You know, like your babies whose eggs you gather and eat. Contestant Sam starts strong and celebrates passing the bar exam, then expertly tempers her achievement with a reflection on the loss of her father to ALS, and then sticks the landing by staring pensively off into the ocean.
Now we are at Bachelor Compound, ready for the limos to arrive. Flight Attendant Lauren B. brings Ben plastic wings. Caila jumps into his arms and then runs away. Jennifer suggests that Ben and Jen is a couple name combo that can’t go wrong. More carefully earnest women nervously hug Ben before running inside for the open bar. Amanda the high-voiced esthetician sweeps Ben off his feet. Lace kisses him right away and runs inside, the show’s equivalent of writing “first” on his wall. Some creeper has stalked him on social media. She tells Ben a lot about himself, but wisely, not her own name. Shushanna talks to him only in Russian. COOL GIRL WITH A FOOTBALL is low low low low maintenance and winks at him a lot. Just like one of the guys. There’s a woman in a unicorn mask, Blond Juliette Lewis and new Feria color 98: Red Velvet. Mandi offers to let Ben pollinate her Carrie Bradshaw rose headpiece.
Soon these women are joined by the Las Vegas twins. Maybe they’re here to REVOLUTIONIZE the next season of Dancing With The Stars. Maybe it’s just a wacky scheme to get their separated parents back together. It doesn’t matter, now there’s someone with a miniature pony. I understand the temptation to laugh at this bizarre assortment of women. It’s like the funeral at the end of Big Fish. But should we maybe take a pause and worry about the casting director? I mean, he seems like a… collector.
Brianne brings rolls of bread to literally break, because everyone she asked said this was a really good idea. Guys, we’ll be breaking bread! “First dibs on your mouth” Lace drinks and judges the woman who risks it all on a onesie pun. Rachel rolls in on a hoverboard. Jackie brings their save the date card so Ben can practice screaming her name for mercy. Olivia is a tall Barbie doll with a ready dimple, who is here to nail this job interview.
Ben enters the room, and immediately Mandi whisks him away to prove that there is no such thing as a sexy dental exam. Job candidate Olivia, who got her hair professionally cut in the limo, walked away from her career as a news anchor to be with him. Interests: I love the outdoors and charity! Traits: I’m spontaneous! Almost dangerously so.
Not to be outdone, Caila can talk back office processing software. The twins continue to suggest that he could bone them both. This may end up more Lohan Parent Trap than Mills. Ben plays more embarrassing catch with low maintenance COOL GIRL WITH A FOOTBALL. Then, another limo pulls up and…Amber and Becca climb out. We’re getting Nick Vialled! We know Amber is ruthless and Becca passed her virgin exam before the show, so CH gives them a pass.
Becca’s pristine hymen is trying to distract Ben from Lace, so she stands by the door contemplating how to grow hers back. Lace, who is named Lace, steals Ben from Jubilee and asks for a rekiss. He says no and leaves with another girl, but returns to check on her. Lace is wasted and reassured and rubs it in Red Velvet’s face that she can do literally anything and still get a pass. Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose to make sure all the targets get firmly affixed to the appropriate women.
Olivia, who crushed her second interview, gets the first impression rose.
Yes, yes? I love where this is going.
At the Rose Ceremony, 27 of the 28 women are panicking. Lauren B. gets a rose and is positioned as a leading contender. Then there’s LB, played by Kirsten Dunst, and Caila. Amber and Jami are in, and Jubilee is taking this as a very serious measure of self worth. Someone named JOJO gets a rose. JO JO. Red Velvet is starting to freckle under the harsh lights, but doesn’t get called. The twins make it. Shushanna, who spoke no English. Blond Juliette Lewis and Becca and Carrie Bradshaw, DDS get in. Ominous music thrums. Will the redhead get to stay? Crazy Lacey? The anti-gluten militant? Ben picks Lace and then openly gags. She cannot believe he still hasn’t dumped her yet, and pulls Ben aside to be sure that he gets that she is the dangerously crazy one. Not Rose Headpiece. Her. Oh poor Lace, the crazy one is obviously Olivia.