So I’ve got Clare totally wrong. She’s not some young naif who shacks up with a bunch of losers until her dream man molests her out of a drugged slumber (Snow White), nor is she the child raised in isolation until her dream man molests her out of a drugged slumber (Sleeping Beauty). She’s this guy:
Clare runs out of the Rose Ceremony and she’s all, “My rose is down to its last sagging petals, and I have to entrust it to one of these clowns? Kidnapping a woman to make her fall in love with you used to mean something.”
Chris “Paid To Do It” Harrison follows her out and can barely conceal his look of contempt. After a good shaming, Beast Clare gives her rose to JJ, because whatever who cares. He looks as shocked as the rest of us that he’s still on the show. Nice Guy Jonathan, terrible at faking good intentions, goes home, and so do Michael and Mikey, also terrible at everything.
Juelia talks about how good a husband and father Evil Kentucky Joe would be, and everyone is apparently under a nondisclosure agreement to keep his intentions a secret from her. So of course this is the moment we meet Samantha, the girl of Joe’s dreams. Samantha rolls up in her favorite white crochet flare pants, determined to break her habit of dating bad men. She immediately asks Evil Kentucky Joe on a date.
I know we’re supposed to recognize them as The Villains, but can we just talk about how totally sad this is? Two people schemed before coming on the show that they would hook up and do whatever it took to stay together until they won. The prize for winning this show, by the way, is each other, so I can only assume Bachelor In Paradise is cheaper than a motel. For whatever reason, their devious plan to hook up and stay together must all be a secret. Leading on a widowed single mother and intimidating and manipulating Jonathan and Mikey was just for style points.
Samantha and Joe’s date is a sexy photo shoot for People Magazine that involves his erection and her smizing for her life. Now I see what they win. Kentucky Joe-ciopath gets h.j.s in the pool and S(h)am gets to jump-start a career in catalog modeling. This also explains the crochet pants.
When they return from their date, they rub it in Juelia’s face. Juelia cries to a crowd of sympathetic blondes while Welder Josh rubs her back. Jared, Josh, and JJ (worth double points in Scattergories!) all tell Joe to make things right with Juelia. Kentucky Joe-ciopath refuses to stop being an asshole. Prince Hans from Frozen? Honestly, watching this whole scenario play out touches a chord with me. It’s like they found my letters and read each one out loud. And by letters, I mean notes I passed with my friends in 7th grade. My biggest regret is that I cannot write this blog in gel pen.
We take a break from the drama and check in with the rest of the gang. They try to convince us that Beast Clare is Snow White or Sleeping Beauty again, when she calls her friend, the raccoon. What they’re not telling us is that the phone she’s on used to be her Lady’s Maid. Jade, who got stuck with Tanner in the beginning of the show when Ashley I. claimed Jared, offers that she is on a driveway leading to a dirt path that turns into the road towards love. Carly’s ready for Kirk’s d, but Kirk was determined not to commit his d to anyone so quickly. They will have to settle this soon- the Date Card arrives and everyone holds their breath while Welder Josh sounds out “Carly.”
Dan reveals that he is not up for Crazy Eyes Ashley’s crazy after all. He hasn’t dumped her, but that’s just because he hasn’t lined anyone else up yet. Now that we know Dan is ready for a new lifetime commitment, we meet Megan.
Megan is a ditsy Southern Belle from Chris Soules’ season. She asks a sombrero seller where Chris Harrison is and why New Mexico and Mexico have the same name. He says New Mexico was named for Mexico, and who is Chris Harrison? Wait, what??? You don’t know who Chris Harrison is? Also, we stole the name? Her vision of America’s pristine history is shattered. Copycatting- historically America’s greatest shame. Fortunately, Megan rebounds quickly. She confidently pulls off her dress, excited
We go back and forth between Dan and Kirk, both laying the coward’s foundation to a breakup. They hem and haw about how quickly things moved and how nervous that makes them, and wait for the girl to say, “Is there a problem?” Crazy Eyes Ashley walks right into it (by addressing it like an adult), and asks if they’re breaking up. Now you are, Ashley! Carly plays it a little more carefully, jokingly begging him not to break her heart. This immobilizes Kirk long enough for Carly to call her brother, whose wedding she is missing to be in Paradise. Kirk says he wishes she were in Ireland at the wedding. Too late. Carly has spun her web of guilt securely around him, and can now bleed Kirk out at her leisure. She erupts in horny giggles. He accepts his fate gamely and they get a Fantasy Suite for the D Giving Out Ceremony.
Back at Paradise, JJ and Dan compete for new girl, Megan. JJ cheated on his wife, has a daughter he’s left for a few months now to be on these shows, and hasn’t worked in 3 years. Dan isn’t great, but I don’t think he’s done any of those things. Megan declares she’s uninterested in douchebags and being cheated on and…picks JJ.
Joe and Samantha lap at each other’s faces as publicly as possible. Everyone pities Juelia, which is totally fair. She is pretty much a Nicholas Sparks heroine stuck in the first half of the book. Hang in there, Juelia, you will get kissed in the rain!!! But first the widowed single mom calls her daughter, while Juelia’s friend gives her manipulative ex-boyfriend a hand jibber in the community pool.
For all that Joe’s done, there are some among you who may still be withholding judgment. But you have to hate Kentucky Joe for this at least: “We was like, just, what girls from your season do you know is gonna go?” Must you defile everything that touches your lips? Joe makes a little more sense when he asks what the difference is between him dumping Juelia right after securing a rose and Dan (and Kirk and Jared if he meets anyone else) doing it with their girlfriends too? Unfortunately, Kentucky Joe doesn’t speak English, so no one considers his point.
Once it’s clear that Kentucky Joe-ciopath won’t be apologizing, Juelia threatens to play her Girl Code card and guilt Samantha into a breakup by telling her about Joe’s maneuver. Juelia only wants to protect her friend, guys. This is not at all about revenge. Kentucky Joe-ciopath sees a future of grudgingly given handies taken away in an instant and the apologies come tumbling out of his filthy and depraved mouth. Too little, too late. Juelia leads S(h)am away to tattle. If she can’t go out with a bang, Juelia will gladly go out whimpering.
Juelia and Jade pull S(h)amantha aside to warn her off Kentucky Joe-ciopath. S(h)am would like Joe there for the talk so she can get one of the obligatory handies out of the way. That kills the conversation and leaves Jade and Juelia reviewing the bylaws of Girl Code. The new consensus around the house is that S(h)am is the bigger villain. “Me as a human being, I would never plot something before it happened, especially on a tv show,” she says in an interview. A rogue cameraman then catches S(h)am immediately sneaking off with Joe to plot on a tv show. She also didn’t really come across as totally human.
In much the same way as S(h)am, new arrival Amber shows up, ready to date her friend’s boyfriend, Dan. There are now 7 guys to 10 girls, leaving Juelia, Crazy Eyes Ashley and Clare alone and primed for meltdowns next week.
On Dan and Amber’s date they are followed by a crowd demanding that they fool around. Dan makes it totally clear that he was dating Amber’s friend up until he left for their date, and Amber says that’s fine. They make out and he passionately strokes her microphone. Cut from Ashley metaphorically getting pooped on to Ashley, covered in birds, actually getting pooped on.
Then we have a-fricking-nother confrontation with Joe, wherein JJ posits that Kentucky Joe-ciopath is an even shittier guy than he is.Nice try JJ. They both use words they don’t understand, and it ends with JJ bravely shouting that he wants to fight well after it’s clear that Joe is gone. The best part is watching the panic as Everyone’s High School Ex-Boyfriend Jared thinks for a second that they’ve found his poetry journal.
Don’t worry, he’s just talking about your integrity, Jared.
Your journal’s lock is unbroken,
Unlike the vows you and Kaitlyn had spoken.