Bachelorette 11, Episode 12 You Guys Couldn’t Find A Bigger Couch

The two finalists for Kaitlyn’s affection have a lot in common. Both love Kaitlyn. Both love wearing women’s pants. Both probably love wearing Kaitlyn’s pants. How’s a girl to choose?

First we meet her family. She reveals that Nick is a finalist, and he came on the show in the middle of the season. Her mom nails it right away with “I bet the guys wanted to punch him.” Especially after we boned! Kaitlyn reveals. When Nick finds out she told her family they slept together, he makes the same raised-repressed-and-Catholic face of horror I made. That’s not the kind of information you share with family, Kaitlyn. It’s the kind of thing you reveal in an accusatory fashion on national t.v. after you’ve been rejected. Her family is pretty suspicious of Nick. Actually, her mom and sister are. The men in her family clearly don’t watch the show and have no idea what everyone is talking about. Is he on this amazing journey for the right reasons, asks her sister. Amazing journey? Right reasons? Someone knows about The Bachelorette drinking game and is trying to get me wasted. Kaitlyn’s mom takes Nick aside and asks him to explain why her daughter is attracted to him. Seriously, break it down for me. I believe the words she uses are, “What is that?” Nick cries, and she gets it. He is such a good crier. She may have required some back and forth before giving her blessing, but Kaitlyn’s dad is more like a Saturn dealership and hands over the keys to Nick, no haggling required. Afterward Nick kisses Kaitlyn goodbye with his eyes open, trying to figure out which camera to face.

Then her family gets to meet Shawn. He buys baby clothes for Kaitlyn’s sister’s kids and she’s sold, right reasons or not. Shawn tells Kaitlyn’s mom about a creepy app he used when Kaitlyn was on The Bachelor. You take a photo of a vulnerable woman, and then you can draw hearts around her face, write her love notes and share it with your friends! My guess is about 75% of the contestants on the show have this app on their phone, and the other 25% don’t know how to write.

Nick Heart AppKaitlyn’s mom asks Shawn if he’s jealous of Nick, and he says if they make it through The Bachelorette, nothing can break them up. Just like all the other happily married couples from previous seasons. He goes home confident, and Kaitlyn prepares for a final date with each of the guys.

Kaitlyn and Nick go out on a yacht. She sums up their relationship with “we had a quick ride there,” and Nick provides a convenient visual.

Nick pops one off

He seems pretty sure of himself, but I would be a little more concerned with how often she says she’s surprised she likes him at all. He tells her he has a gift for her in his bedroom. Kaitlyn’s pretty sure he means his dick, but she eventually believes him and accepts her Things Remembered engraved frame with a photo of them and a hand written poem. Sounds like something Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared left behind in his hotel room. Don’t worry, Kaitlyn, you can reuse the frame when Nick’s gone.

She has a pretty awkward last date with Shawn, the best part of which is when he says he can’t wait to re-watch the season and laugh at her for making out with Kentucky Joe. Then he gives her a memory jar, easily one of the most romantic canister-themed gifts. Kaitlyn is completely moved by Cyrano, the Bachelorette Intern’s Shawn’s gesture.

After the dates, the men get to pick out engagement rings. Normally, only the winner gets to do this, but The Bachelorette really wants to mess with Nick. He tells Neil Lane that he’s thrilled that it’s him at the door and not Kaitlyn there to reject him, and Neil keeps an excellent poker face. When Nick starts his proposal, Kaitlyn gives him the look I’ve come to know as her Cliffs of Moher face. She lets him give his whole speech and only stops him just before he kneels. He is clearly pissed she let it get this far, and when he gets back in the loser limo, throws both the engagement ring he picked and his Claddagh ring at his handler. Hey, that is $5,010 worth of jewelry you’re just tossing around! Maybe you should also throw away the bracelets, while you’re at it.  Just a thought.

Then Shawn shows up, and there’s a very sweet proposal, blah blah blah the end. Congratulations, Shawn and Kaitlyn. Nick, better luck next season!

And After The Final Rose?

Kaitlyn gives a shout out to Tim Hortons, Nick repeats silently to himself, “Don’t ask her about the sex, don’t ask her about the sex,” and Shawn calls the show out on its penchant for loveseats.

Tiny Couch

Mischief managed.

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