This season’s production of The Bachelorette: Men Tell All is a performance in two acts.
Our third person (omniscient???) narrator, Chris Harrison, introduces us to a selection of The Boyfriends to discuss the season’s drama. For cost-saving purposes, the following unimportant characters: will all be played by the same actor, and we will call them Corey:
If the tour of rejected men isn’t enough to keep you watching, Chris Harrison offers us an additional, erm, hook- a preview of Bachelor in Paradise. There will be tears, JJ will take firm moral stances, and at least one woman will rinse off her breasts in a waterfall.
Back to the matter at hand. We are reminded of the season’s drama in a review reel. Corey 1 (whose hair recalls Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator) got wasted and went home the first night. JJ and Clint are still getting joke-edited as gay. Get it everyone? They’re friends and they’re guys, so they’re gay. I bet they do gay things together. Butt things. Princeton-educated Ian was an asshole. Corey 5 wishes they taught a How Not To Be An Asshole class at Princeton (they really should). Then Corey 5 would be besties with Ian, the way he is with all of Kaitlyn’s other ex-boyfriends. We could call them CorIan. Maybe not. Anyway. Corey 4 agrees with Ian that Kaitlyn is a whore, but thinks there’s a better way to say it. Ian interrupts the slut shaming, and kneels down to formally apologize to the guys, Kaitlyn, America, the audience, and his mother. Jared mentally adds Boys II Men Down on Bended Knee to his next mix tape lineup. Ian tells us he is humble. Can we all agree that people who call themselves humble, nice or shy are nothing of the sort? The guys hug him and he stays kneeling (no homo).
The men briefly complain about Nick again, and then send JJ to the hot seat for gay soundbites/to be insulted by Corey 4. Jared defends JJ as an acquired taste. Like a fine wine, chimes in JJ. Yes, that is definitely how fine wines work. Ben “The Juggernaut” Z gets brought up so everyone can remember that he is handsome and nice, and politely overlook that he put his mouth entirely around Kaitlyn’s when they kissed. He is a perfectly acceptable backup Bachelor if AdoraBen doesn’t work out, and they won’t even have to change the press releases. Then we learn Everyone’s High School Boyfriend Jared has mostly recovered from getting dumped, but is tortured by randomly hearing “their song” twice a day. Probably on his Walkman. Lastly, Future Bachelor AdoraBen is called up. He is cute and uncontroversial and completely effing boring.
Chris Harrison welcomes Kaitlyn to the show, but forgoes a traditional introduction and instead reads aloud her hate mail. One tweet even includes #slut. He does this because The Bachelor/ette has always embraced controversy around appropriate behavior, gender roles, and what is appropriate for t.v. You know Disney, always at the forefront of progressive gender expectations. Once it’s clear that Kaitlyn is absolutely not a #slut, she gets to directly address the guys.
Yes, Everybody’s High School Boyfriend Jared got her home before curfew every date. Yes, AdoraBen is adorable. Yes, she always liked Nick and Shawn more than all you other suckers. On to the villains. She asks Ryan if he’s still horny. Then Kaitlyn identifies JJ but has some trouble finding his counterpart. Lot’s of people struggle with finding the Clint, Kaitlyn (maybe it’s the beard?). Princeton Ian apologizes and slips her a note (a copy of his diploma? his modeling portfolio? the word “humble” written with perfect penmanship?).
They wrap up with a blooper reel that reveals there had to have been a whole team of interns in charge of birds. The best thing about this episode is that we got a break from Always a Bridesmaid Nick and Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, aka ALF (caution, this cannot be unseen):
Thank you, rwoerner16. for giving us this. Let’s hope Kaitlyn doesn’t own any cats.