Let’s get down to business. The remaining 5 men pile onto a plush yellow velvet loveseat, and Jared reads the date cards- AdoraBen gets the 1 on 1 Date on a private island with Kaitlyn, and she says she’s ready to show him her mature side. They play hide and seek. AdoraBen gets a milk mustache. During a not at all manufactured moment, AdoraBen confesses that he thinks he’s unlovable and promises Kaitlyn that if she picks him as her throw away third guy, they can just talk in the Fantasy Suite. No fucking required, Kaitlyn! Oh wait, that’s where I know him from:
RIP Paul Walker. So is AdoraBen a virgin? NO. Noooooooooo. No no no no no. Maybe. Virgin or “not technically” a virgin, he almost loves her.
Back to a group of dudes on a loveseat. Jared reads the next date card-Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, Nick, and Kentucky Joe get the extremely awkward group date together. Sean and Nick each take Kaitlyn aside to have their requisite “how do you feel about your feelings talks.” Sean almost loves her. Nick almost loves her. And then Joe. Poor, oblivious Joe. The last time Joe was with Kaitlyn, he almost loved her, and now that they haven’t seen each other in a week, he totally loves her. He wants to marry her. Kaitlyn gives him the look she gave Chris the Dentist before she stranded him on the Cliffs of Moher. If it weren’t bad enough that she dumps him instead of saying “I love you” back, Kaitlyn clarifies that she had to hear him say he’s in love first to be sure she that she isn’t. Finish him.
Joe’s gone, and she invites Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling to continue their date in private so she can tell him she boned Nick. She does, and because he’s quiet for so long, closed captioning just registers musical notes. I wonder, maybe he’s humming? Eventually, he
lies says he understands, and we cut back to the remaining two guys sitting around discussing their rankings. Two guys to a loveseat? That’s not enough guys.
Then to the Rose Ceremony. Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling pulls Kaitlyn aside. He’s not sure he can accept the rose. Bullshit, Kaitlyn says. You’ll take it and you’ll like it. PMRG stays and she sends home her high school boyfriend, Jared. You know when you’re writing something and thinking something else, and you accidentally write what you’re thinking? I wrote, “high school boyfriend, Judgement.” Sorry, Terrible Facial Hair Jared. I know you’ll do some really creative journaling after this breakup.
Now there’s no one literate left to read date cards. Kaitlyn takes Nick out to compare favorite colors and discuss how hooking up in churches makes their connection spiritual. He tries to talk shit about PMRG, and when that doesn’t fly, he weasels out of the danger zone with “I just love that I can tell you anything” Bachelorette-talk. They have a probably sex-free Fantasy Suite night, but we’ll have to tune in next week to find out if any of the other guys are dumb enough to pull a Kentucky Joe and admit to totally loving her.