If anyone you know plays a Bachelorette drinking game involving “the right reasons” or “a connection,” they are now dead.
Most of this episode is frittered away on Nick. Nick’s arrival to a room full of men, all sitting together facing an empty couch. Nick’s cool evasion of the fact that he’s dated three Bachelorettes. Nick’s assortment of shirts that I wore to Phantom Ranch Camp in ’96. You know how there are still a few guys whose name you haven’t learned? One of them interrogates Nick to find out if he’s there for the right reasons. DRINK! This is Anonymous Guy’s big chance to make an impression on us, but he is overshadowed by Welder Joshua, who keeps interrupting. You say Kaitlyn is a cool chick…would you also call her an amazing woman? Well? Which one is it??? See, when you get a room full of men together who all model themselves on Matthew McConaughey, you are going to get a lot of lawyer impressions. Also, hair product and eventually these pants:
Nick stresses that he’s there because he felt a connection (DRINK!), and we move on.
The rose ceremony is held at Citi Field, and JJ finally gets to third base with someone. Guys that no one roots for go home, and everyone else relocates to San Antonio. Kaitlyn’s always wanted to go there! Seriously? Who has always wanted to go to San Antonio? Maybe people from the suburbs of San Antonio.
Once there, Kaitlyn has a 1 on 1 date at a two-stepping dance competition with AdoraBen, the best option for next season’s The Bachelor. AdoraBen spends a lot of time biting his lip, but I give it a pass because longtime two-step dancer/cutest old lady on the planet believes in love:
I firmly believe this woman was knit into life by a family of playful kittens. AdoraBen’s and Kaitlyn’s date is sweet and unremarkable. They have dinner together and talk past relationships, and she makes clear that he has until dessert to open up to her. He does and she rewards him with a rose and her first creepy “That makes me happy” of the night. They have a connection. DRINK!
On the Group Date:
The men are made to embarrass themselves performing as Mariachi singers, and they roll in looking like the final fight in Three Amigos.
One of the anonymous guys’ terrible imitation of a Mexican singer is actually a terrible impression of an Italian singer. Kentucky Joe asks her to Mariachi him and he gets a kiss. Ian blows his performance, and in his interview afterwards resembles Sarah Michelle Gellar falling apart at the end of Cruel Intentions. Nick leads Kaitlyn away from the other men to a balcony and sings about his erection, because he and Brady are the only ones who realize that the show’s rules are made up.
Welder Josh still doesn’t like Nick. Unfortunately, after Josh lets Kaitlyn cut his hair, she has a hard time trusting his judgment. What is Kaitlyn supposed to go on? Oh right,
And just what is so wrong with this guy?
Poor Welder Josh tells her no one likes Nick, and she goes out of her way trying to catch Josh out as a liar. So everyone’s lying to me? I’m a fricking idiot? Josh is now watching this from outside of his body. Jared and JJ and Ben Z. all throw him under the bus, and Josh prays that his haircut is a Get Out of Jail Free card. Nick gets a rose, and then Kaitlyn goes on a 1 on 1 date with Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling, aka her actual boyfriend.
They kayak. They touch hands a lot. He almost got killed in a car crash, so even though all the previews indicate that we’re losing Car Crash Ian, we get a second chance at a second-chance-at-life storyline. And Poor Man’s Gosling is falling in love with her. “That makes me really happy.” She’s always felt a connection with him. DRINK!
Back at the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn toasts to honesty without spontaneously bursting into flames. She takes Terrible Facial Hair Jared to her bedroom to roll on a bed of rose petals (how Bachelorettes sleep), and he reveals that he is falling in love with her. “That makes me really happy.” Marry him, Kaitlyn, and you will get homemade coupons for hugs and foot rubs every anniversary.
And then what we’ve all been waiting for. Ian takes her aside to tell her she’s a whore and he could do better. Actually, it’s very carefully edited to sound that way. In reality, he tells her she’s a whore and then they cut in drunken soundbites of him saying he could do better. They have no connection. DRINK!