Bachelorette 11, Episode 5 Brokeback Volcano

Kaitlyn sends home Clint, guilty of “villing.” Kaitlyn can’t actually point to what he did wrong to her except piss off a lot of other guys, but whatever his sin, she did the right thing. You do not want babies with Clint’s facial girth coming out of your vagina.

The drama comes when Clint’s best friend, JJ, panics that he’s going to go home next, guilty by association/common sense. He demands a public apology from Clint, and Clint counteroffers murder. Threatening to kill JJ is serious, but not as serious as his parting words: “Hey, that tie goes really good with your shirt.” JJ cries in a bush. He loves that tie.

We relocate to New York City, and Kaitlyn takes Group Date 1 guys to participate in a rap battle with Doug E. Fresh. This is to determine how civil they will be during the divorce proceedings.  Nothing remarkable happens until the contest is over, and the runner up from Andi’s season of The Bachelorette shows up and throws his hat in the ring. Nick Viall, just casually hanging out at an amateur rap battle with former Bachelor contestant Ashley I. To review,

  1. Nick’s claim to fame is asking Andi during an interview why she slept with him but didn’t choose him.
  2. His last name is basically VILE.
  3. He looks like Spencer Pratt.

RED FUCKING FLAGS, KAITLYN!!! She meets with him after a hair appointment for her 1 on 1 date with Gross Facial Hair Jared, and I have to take a moment to express my dismay. Maybe you felt it, too.

Are we to simply accept that the Ashley “I wanted the Disney date!” I. from the rap battle night magically became Crazy Eyes Ashley S. in the morning? And that Crazy Eyes Ashley (who is actually a hair stylist) put Kaitlyn’s hair into a sloppy side braid for her formal date at the Met, an enchanted braid that somehow morphed into a sleek half-up do at dinner? What is this ABC, some kind of game to you???? The only thing not manufactured about this is that Kaitlyn probably is only allowed Bachelorette-approved friends. She knows how new queen Ann Boleyn felt, meeting her ladies in waiting.  Oh great, you bitches again.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and Terrible Facial Hair Jared eat at an Egyptian temple exhibit at the Met, he reads her a poem, and then they end their date on a helicopter ride. Shall we fuck/marry/kill this date? If it were up to me, I’d marry the Egyptian temple dinner, kill the poem, fuck the helicopter ride.  P.S.You guys were eating dinner at the Temple of Dendur there at the Met, which I’m pretty sure makes you worshipers of Isis.  Definitely don’t mention that before getting on the helicopter.

On Group Date #2 a bunch of the guys audition for a bit part in Aladdin on Broadway. The winner, as Josh the Welder puts it, will “get beat up when [he gets] home.” A couple guys do fine. Josh the Welder struggles. Joe is looking more and more like Wilson from Castaway. Joe WilsonIan is a decent singer, but no one can match Chris the Dentist’s enthusiasm. I’m pretty sure he brought his own Aladdin costume (“I was supposed to get the Disney Date!”). When the date ends, they share a kiss next to the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square, and it is undeniable that Kaitlyn and Chris have all the sexual chemistry of a real life Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel.

We leave the episode with a teaser of Nick’s arrival in the MANsion, which while they’re traveling is more of a SCRotel. And are Britt and Brady still together??? Is money green? All of their clips look like tampon commercials. May we all find someone as absorbent as Brady.

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