Bachelorette 11, Episode 4 If The Eyepatch Fits

There’s plenty of drama this episode, but none of the subtle, tasteful smut I really crave from The Bachelorette. We’re still in the beginning of the season, ploddingly narrowing down the cast a couple obvious crazies at a time. If this were Top Chef, there would still be cruise ship chefs on the show.

Kupah kicks things off by yelling that he just wants to get the requisite exit interview bullshit over with. He does not graciously cry in the back of the limousine, accepting a tissue from the polite but suddenly aloof Chris Harrison.  No, he makes a scene and is painfully aware that he will appear way more out of control in his edit. And man does The Bachelorette oblige. They even play ABC’s version of Wagner in the background (I keep hearing Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall-“It’s just tones. Dark, ominous tones.”). Someone with a graduate degree in music composition wrote that. But I digress.

This whole segment goes on too long. Kaitlyn tells Kupah to just go already, and Kupah embarrasses himself just a little bit more. Kaitlyn feels a lot of feelings (two), and we go on to the rose ceremony.

Bisgusting Facial Hair Jared gets the coveted “first rose,” which the notes feature on my phone tellingly auto-corrects to “fear rise.” Tony gives us a nice little soundbite about his “Gypsy Soul,” and Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling is still in the clear. Unfortunately, we say goodbye to Hungry Edward Norton and some other guy who left zero impression on me.

The men on Group Date #1 honor the ancient sport of sumo by wrapping mawashis around (part of) their junk. Joe especially rocks the one ball in the breeze look, but has decided to play it cool with the “Yeah, I meant to leave out a testicle” approach. JJ is excited about this date, not just because of the scrotal element, but because he loves Japanese culture! Well, he loves sushi. Really just Sake bombs. JJ may not know a ton about Japan, but I’m sure he would love the hell out of the shit he could find in niche Japanese vending machines. Used panties? Pre-gargled milk? Yesplease!

Tony the Healer brags to the camera that he is going to obliterate the World Champion sumo wrestler he’s pitted against, and comes out hands-a-slapping. The onlookers giggle and he is embarrassed, which shows surprising self-awareness. With his mawashi, topknot and temper tantrum, he looks like he’s into baby cosplay. Interested, JJ? Tony tries to spin his flop as the result of being too evolved for The Bachelorette, and leaves the show spewing the kind of platitudes SkyMall will engrave in a bench for you.

Chris Harrison, the creepiest yenta ever, sends Kaitlyn and Ben “The Juggernaut” Z. on a 1 on 1 date in a dank basement, filled with dead vermin, a clogged toilet and a tattered photo of Britt. So Brady’s house, basically. Escape requires Ben sticking his hand in the aforementioned toilet (and apparently never washing it), Kaitlyn irrationally crying about birds, the animal tattooed all over her arms, and the unscrambling of the secret password- ROSES- which if we’re really going with the brand should have been SORES. Afterwards, Kaitlyn, Ben Z. and Ben’s filthy hand curl up together at her place. He tells her he hasn’t expressed emotion since his mom died when he was young. She asks if she could change him.  He says definitely.

On Group Date #2, the selected men gather to teach sex ed to a classroom full of child actors. I imagine these kids back in the green room, smoking their Luckys and laughing at how little Joshua knows about non-cow vagina. Other Ben, the one with the clean hands, shines on this date. He puts Kaitlyn at the front of the classroom, playing her own eggs. From the back of the classroom, Other Ben, playing his own sperm, ejaculates forward to fertilize Kaitlyn, and they make their way off into the sunset/Kaitlyn’s uterus for implantation.

That evening at the pre-elimination cocktail party, Clint, who has spent this episode doing his best impression of Gaston, tries to undo some of the damage of his “act like a dick” approach to courtship by confessing he was scared and insecure. This is apparently a real thing that people say. Kaitlyn buys it at first, but unfortunately for Clint, “Snitches get stitches” is only a rule on The Bachelor. All the guys turn on Clint and JJ for their crappy behavior, and rat them out to Kaitlyn. Tune back next week, because you don’t have the willpower to resist.

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